Goodbye 2009!

Two thousand and nine. What a year! It was filled with a lot of learning experiences, but also some fun. To be honest though, it was the worst year of my life so far---and I couldn't be more excited to say goodbye to 2009 and hello to 2010!

It all started last January when my grandma had to have emergency surgery and wasn't doing very well at all. After being in the hospital for 3 weeks, she finally came home. During this time, I was in my first car wreck...did a 360 across both lanes of traffic and hit a guardrail with my front bumper. So scary, but God was good. My dad happened to be off work, because he had broken his wrist, so he was just 15 minutes away and came to my rescue! I didn't get hurt at all - just shaken up, although my car was in rough shape, and the policeman didn't even publish my name in the newspaper when he wrote up the report! :)

Two weeks later, I conquered another fear - I got baptized! I knew I needed to be baptized, but was always afraid because I don't like the thought of having someone push me underwater. Well...February 15, I grabbed the bull by the horns and got baptized! 3 weeks after this, I conquered yet my 3rd fear for the year....I flew on a plane for the first time! I was terrified...but it wasn't bad at all! I flew to Alaska -- 8 hours on a plane. I LOVED Alaska! So beautiful, calm, and refreshing. I have to go back at least once in my lifetime!

And then 6 weeks after my adventure to Alaska, my parents bought me a piano! I was so excited--and just love it to pieces! It still needs a little work....needs tuned and such -- but I LOVE playing it. It just gives my brain some time to relax and not have to think too much.

That same day proved to be the start of a very long month--and the worst time in my life. God decided that my dad's time on Earth was complete and that it was time to take him home on May 27. Those four weeks plus the weeks around the funeral were just horrendous. Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a parent unexpectedly.

After Dad's death, the rest of the year was sorta just a blur. Working through my grief, struggling with the death of a few other friends, it was all just a mess. But - God is still good. I can't say that I've really enjoyed the past 7 months....yes, there were some times where I enjoyed myself, but in general....it was a struggle every day to get up, to feel loved, to feel God's presence, and to not be discouraged. I never knew that there could be this much pain in the world. In the midst of these trials, however, God has shown me His love. He has spoken to me - mostly through the Old Testament during this - and has reminded me that the battles in this world are not own own. They're His. He's working to bring good.

Talking about battles.....this fall, I learned how to shoot a gun and a bow! I was so excited and I loved both experiences! I can't say I'm too good, but it was so much fun!

Like I said, God has brought good through my year of trials. He has blessed me with so many wonderful friends! This summer, I went to Virginia to visit my best friend! Oh, Hannah is so good to me - and it was really nice to see her new house and just spend a few days catching up. Now that we're in college and her family has moved, we only see each other about 3-4 times a year. But --- she is definitely a friend of the heart; we've been through so much together. 16 years is a long time to be close friends! Despite the distance, she still remains one of my closest friends. I am so grateful to have an amazing friend!!

My friends at Geneva have also been wonderful. They were so patient with me-especially the past few weeks. They listened to me vent about so many issues for hours on end -- probably when they had stuff they wanted to talk about too. I've been blessed! They are good to me! And God has been so good to provide me with fatherly figures who love me. Words can't even begin to express my gratitude. There are so many of them and they are all just so wonderful! God has blessed me with godly men and women - from all areas of my life - who have cared for me, sat with me through my tears, and loved me. I am incredibly thankful for all of them.

Like I said -- 2009 was by far the hardest year in my life. I am so ready for a new year! Although I know trials can help you grow, I'm ready for some fun times! :) 2010 seems to be holding a trip to the Dominican Republic and Ukraine, student teacher (ahh!!), the start of my senior year of college, and hopefully - growing more like my Maker. I'm looking forward to seeing what all 2010 will bring!

Desperate for my Abba

Wow...I'm learning something through the past few months..... your emotions can change in an instant!!! And, honestly, I hate it! I want to be able to regulate my emotions, yet I don't feel like I am capable of doing that right now. I really don't like it.

You know what else? I'm finding that I have a pretty rotten attitude lately. I could find the positive; but sometimes it's hard and it takes too much work....and i don't want to. But this is a goal for this week....to find something positive each day.

And lately, I've really seen my mean sinful nature come up. At times I wish I swore just so that I could show the intensity of my emotions. And yet -- I know that a swear word really doesn't show the intensity of it....but I feel like it does right now. And I really wish that I could just scream any 4-letter word, just to get the emotion out. You might be wondering if this is really "Aimee" writing this...but it is! It's just been a pretty bad 3 weeks.

I'm desperate for alone time. I'm desperate for someone to understand. I'm desperate for a male authority figure-one that is in charge of me 24/7 who I can fight with when I don't want to do what he tells me to do. I'm desperate for love. I'm desperate for someone to not be afraid of my tears and just let me cry and stay with them until everything's cleared up. I'm desperate for acceptance. I'm desperate for a family. I'm desperate for my dad.

And....yet - I think these all point to the one thing I really am desperate for --- my Abba (my Daddy) Who is an authority figure, Who understands, Who accepts me, Who knows each of my tears and wipes them away gently, Who has a plan and will be with me until life starts to look up, Who is my family, Who loves me so much more wholely, completely, and perfectly than any human could ever love me. He wants to be/do all of this for me. And He wants to do it for you too.

Trust your Abba. Our God is in control. Be at peace, my soul.

Beauty Will Rise

Whew.

The past few weeks have been rough. I think they may have even been worse than the week my dad died. Things have just been....not so good. I've found that I really miss my dad. I mean, really, really. I didn't think this kinda of ache and pain was possible. I just want to run up to him and wrap my arms around his neck and give him a HUGE hug. This isn't typical of our relationship -- I think that shows how much I miss him. I want him to be here to fix my car; I've been having some issues with it. I want him here to joke around with me. I want him here to protect me. I want him here to be the authority in the house. I want him here for Christmas and my mom's and his 30th wedding anniversary (which is tomorrow). I want him here so I know that I am loved. There's lots of other issues going on too....but those are better left unsaid. Just say lots of prayers for us if you think about it.

One of my friends got me Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD -- and I've been listening to it nonstop for the past 2 weeks. All these songs were written out of his experience with losing his youngest daughter in a car accident. Almost every song on that CD has ministered to me - for his thoughts are all my thoughts. And it's just so nice to see that I'm not the only one who's feeling this pain. So....just for some random lyrics from the new CD that pretty much sum up the thoughts I've been having lately....

"This is not how it should be, This is not how it could be, But this is how it is, and our God is in control." ("Our God is in Control")

"Who are You God? Cuase You are turning out to be so much different that I imagined, and where are You God? Cause I am finding life to be so much harder than I had planned. You know that I'm afraid to ask these queswtions, but You know they are there, and if You know my heart the way that I believe You do, You know that I believe in You, But still I have these questions." ("Questions")

"Whatever road this life takes you down, Jesuse will meet You there. He knows the way to where you are, He knows the way to the depths ofyour heart, He knows the way cuase He's already been where you're going, Jesus will meet you there." ("Jesus Will Meet You There")


"I don't even want to breathe right now, All I want to do is close my eyes, And I dont want to open them again, Til I'm standing on the other side, I dont even want to be right now, I dont want to think another thought, And I dont want to feel this pain I feel, but right now pain is all I've got....Trust You God, I will, Even when i don't understand, Even then I will say again, You are my God and I will trust You." ("I Will Trust You")

And lastly....probably the song that has hit me the hardest.... "Beauty Will Rise."

"It was the day the world went wrong, I screamed till my voice was gone, And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down, Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains, And sift through the ashes that are left behind, But buried deep beneath, All our broken dreams we have this hope -- Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise. And we will dance amoung the ruins, We will see it with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise, For we know joy is coming in the morning, in the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down, And if you can't believe, I will believe for you."

Ahhh... my thoughts. So much pain and hurt lately. So many tears. So much sadness. And in the midst of it, I found out how thankful I am for the people placed in my life. And for a God who promises to hold my life together, even if I feel like I can't. Because I can't -- He alone has control. And I'm thankful for people who love me enough to sit with me through my tears.

Beauty will rise. Joy is coming in the morning -- the night just seems so long. But morning is coming and then, we will see His beauty. Pray for patience. I want that morning to be here sooo soon. This reminds me of something I told my girls in my Bible Study last night.... The pearl - a beautiful piece of jewelry is made out of much pain, from sand rubbing up against it inside the oyster shell. One day, I hope I will be able to look back and say that I am a beautiful pearl that was only made beautiful by the pain in my life that caused me to grow.

Lord, come quickly.

The Last Gift - and 21!

God has truly blessed me.

Today, I was overcome with thankfulness for the men God has placed in my life. In the past 6 months, God has brought several men to me who have stepped up and taken the role of a father in my life. They each play a specific role that my dad played - one asks me about my car every time he sees me, another is like a grandfather who gives me a hug and kiss each week, another jokes around with me and gives me a hard time every Sunday, and one reminds me of my dad in so many ways-he is sarcastic with me, yet can also be serious, just like my dad. I am so thankful. God has provided - despite the hardship. I guess I was overcome with thankfulness, because I saw some of these men step up this week. Yesterday was my 21st birthday! Sunday evening, I was able to spend 2 hours with one of these fatherly figures. I needed that; I was feeling sad and missing my dad. Just being at this house brought comfort. Yesterday, on my birthday, one of these men called my cell phone and sang happy birthday to me. I had received many birthday wishes, but I was desiring to hear it from someone my dad's age....and it came. Just what I needed! And, lastly, today I checked my mailbox to find a card from another fatherly figure! The fact that he and his wife both wrote a personal note inside (and I also found a check!) made my day! I'm not sure I could have better men in my life to help play the role that my dad played.

Despite the wonderful men who have taken on extra responsibility for me, I still do miss my dad. Nobody's ever going to replace him - and I know that these men understand that. But I still wish that Dad could have been here on my birthday. My 21st. A big one. The one that is supposed to push you out of childhood and into adulthood - or something like that. It was a pretty good day, but I sure did wish my dad could have been here with me.

(Throwing up the 2-1 with my piano...my dad's last gift to me)

The day of my dad's heart attack, I bought a piano! Or rather..my dad bought a piano for me. That Sunday, the piano was delivered and I was enjoying it to pieces! My dad was so determined to get this piano the week before, that we were actually arguing over it. He was upset that I was e-mailing the seller rather than calling him on the phone about when to deliver it. Finally, I just gave the number to my dad and had his contact the seller. Dad did everything possible to get this piano as soon as he could. Maybe he knew he didn't have much time left?? Well, anyway, the piano was delivered the same day he had a heart attack and went to the hospital. I was supposed to pay for half of the piano, but Dad ended up paying for the whole thing. I consider it my last gift from him. And...since it came just 7 months before my 21st, yesterday, I considered my piano to be my 21st birthday gift from my dad. I love my piano - love sitting down to just play and let my mind not have to think for awhile. It's one of my favorite gifts....and it could be because it was my dad's last gift to me. It is so precious to me and I wish my dad was here to see how much I play it.

My birthday was bittersweet. Growing up. Missing my dad. Yet being so blessed by how God has provided. God is good all the time. He works in mysterious ways. I can never thank the father figures in my life enough; they have provided so much love and security and protection, even though they truly didn't have to. My dad picked some great men to develop friendships with-men who would go to unneccesary lengths just to love their friend's daughter because they knew she was her daddy's girl. I am forever in debt.

Stress

Stress. A word everyone hates. I got to thinking this week....and I realized that we, as humans, like to stress over alot of really dumb things. And it irked me, because there are so many more important things in this world that should be our priority.

This past week....either at school, my house, church, or anywhere else I was, I heard people say they were stressed over the following things:

• homework


• all the leaves that needed raked


• work/job


• all the meetings they had


• all the things they had to get done while they're at work


• cleaning the house/room


• their commute to work/school


• not exercising - but needing to


• health issues


• registering for classes/finishing school on time


• finances


• getting a Halloween costume (either for themself or their kids)


• how tired they are


• how they just couldn't find time to go to Walmart but needed to

And while this list is not the full list...it does give an idea of the things people are worried about these days. Take a look at the list -- ultimately, when it comes down to it -- who is the main "character" in each of those? The speaker. The speaker is the one who is receiving - it's all about "me" -- "I am exhausted", "I need to finsh school in 4 years!", "I have so much work to do to get a good grade", "I don't have enough money." Can we be any more "me"-centered?

Have you ever thought about the children in this world who sleep in the streets each night because they don't have a mom or dad who love them, or the scared little 12 year old girl who was sold into prostitution, or the teenage mother who is trying to keep her baby alive by digging through garbage dumps? Or what about the soldier in the Middle East, working 12 hour days, who has to live constantly on his toes, waiting for the next bomb? Or the families of this soldier who live each day at home, waiting for the phone to ring...hoping that it's their soldier and not someone bearing bad news? Or what about that family who has a loved one in the hospital who is in grave condition-who sits in the waiting room days on end, tensing up anytime the doctor comes to the waiting room? What do you think these people stress about?

What if we took our focus off ourselves for once and took some time to help these people. To reach out. To go beyond ourselves. What if the sentences I heard were "I'm stressed that I can't help more orphans."? No - I don't think we should stress about it -- I believe God has called to live a life free of stress....to not give in to anxiety. But, I think the things we stress about show where we place our priorities. I think it's time for a shift. I'm tired of hearing people stress about the stupid things in life-there are things that we do have to get through and may cause stress, but really....is that why we're here?

Are we here for ourselves? Did God put you on this Earth to worry about how much stuff you have to do this week?

Take a breather.

Be still and Know.

God's got it all under control; leave it in His hands.

Just serve Him.

(and by the way -- I'm talking to myself here too; I have just as much learning to do!)

When Life Brings the Rain, Wait for the Rainbow

The name Mark Futato probably doesn't mean much to you...and it didn't to me either, until last week. All I can say about him now is....Mark Futato = AMAZING! He is a professor from the Reformed Theological Seminary in Florida and came to Geneva to speak for the Vos lectures and chapel. For one of my classes, we were required to write a response paper for one of his lectures... Gotta say, I wasn't too happy about it at first, but after I heard him speak once...I was excited for the opportunity! He had such a good message - both times I heard him speak last week! His message was exactly what I needed to hear and has really challenged me to look at the book of Psalms in a new light-to see each Psalm as a picture of the human life...moving from sorrow to praise. As I mentioned...I had to write a paper for one of my classes... and, honestly, I just felt like it portrayed alot of what's been going on in my mind lately, so I wanted to share it with you all. :) So..... here is my paper; I'm sorry if I bore you. :)

~~~

Anne Bradstreet once said, “If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." How true this is! Sorrow and pain can make a person even more thankful for the blessings in their life, if they realize that glory is their destiny. Mark Futato also shows this concept in his lecture, “The Psalms and Your Destiny” by comparing the movement in the book of Psalms to the trials and joys in the human life.

Mark Futato’s lecture on the Psalms and how they relate to the typical human life was very thought-provoking. He started his lecture by explaining that there was movement in not only the whole book of Psalms, but also in each Psalm. He compared this shift to the movement in the life of Jesus and each of our lives. Futato argued that in each Psalm, with the exception of Psalm 44 and Psalm 88, there is a progression from lamentation to praise. He showed that most Psalms start out with sorrow or disappointment. The writer then works through these emotions; by the end of the Psalm, he has shifted from sorrow to glory. Futato concluded his lecture by reminding his listeners that the book of Psalms is their book. They are free to use the laments to be honest with God and themselves about the reality of life. He mentioned that Jesus has gone further down in the depths than any human ever will. Because Jesus was honest with God in the midst of His sorrow, humans have the freedom to be honest and real as well. No matter how much life may stink at times, humans do not have to stay stuck in the sorrow. Jesus rose from the dead, moving from sorrow to glory. Just as the Psalms show, there is movement from lamentation to praise, foretelling the movement of the human life during a time of pain.

I believe Futato’s lecture was a reminder of our primary calling. God has called us to Himself above anything else. He wants our hearts and our hands. We may serve God and praise Him with our mouth, but He desires for our hearts to be changed. It is one thing to praise God when everything is going good, but can you still praise Him when life brings deep pain? In the midst of those rough times in life, do you still believe He will bring you out of the depths of sorrow to the heights of glory?

Personally, this lecture spoke volumes to me. I am currently going through the darkest moment in my life. After facing my father’s sudden hospitalization and death this past May, along with eight other deaths of friends and family since then, I have struggled with feeling God’s presence and His goodness. I have often wondered if I would ever come out of the depths of sorrow. After listening to this lecture, I was greatly encouraged. I was having a “down day” when I heard Futato speak; I did not feel like my pain was ever going to go away. However, by the end of the lecture, I was optimistic that God would bring me out of this situation and move me towards glory. While I did read the Psalms many times this summer to bring comfort, I never saw the movement Futato explained. Now, however, each time I read a Psalm, I am reminded of the shift that takes place. I see the change from sorrow and pain to glory and praise. It is a reminder to me that I can be honest with God about my emotions and trust Him to bring me through.

Just as Futato explained, the Psalms show a movement that is very similar to the path humans must take at times. Sorrow and pain may come into our life, but the Psalms point to our destiny. There will come a change so that you can praise God again; our destiny is glory. Life may not be full of sunshine and blue skies at the moment, but it is the rain that brings the rainbow. If I just trust God to move through my laments with His grace, I will advance from sorrow to glory. There is no need to stay stuck in my grief. Jesus fell into great depths of despair for me and still came out victorious; if He is truly the Lord of my life, how can I not do the same?

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength!

I LOVE fall! It is my favorite season! Today I decided to take a walk with the most amazing Artist ever -- my Heavenly Father. I've included a few pictures from today to give you a glimpse of the picturesque views I saw today. :) I spent an hour outside, just walking around the neighborhood, admiring the beautiful creation and praying. It was so good to just be in His presence!

The past three weeks have been relatively good. I'm starting to feel a little bit back to normal now, school work sure is picking up and getting busy, and I'm starting to run around like a crazy woman again, running from school to work to tutoring to babysitting to church. Some things will never change... This past Wednesday, my dad would have turned 57. It was an interesting day to say the least...and I am just amazed how my emotions can change within mintues! But - my dad got to spend his birthday in the presence of His Maker -- and I'm sure none of his earthly birthday celebrations ever compared to that!

Have you ever been overcome with thankfulness? Moments where you can just feel God's presence and Your face is just radiant with His joy? I've had several of those moments lately. I went 3 months without really feeling God's presence - every once for in awhile for a few mintues I'd "feel" Him, but I still felt so far away from God.

But now...finally, after 3 months, I have felt His presence once again! I have experienced His joy and His peace, His strength and His love. He cares so much for me - and for you. I seriously have not been able to make it through this semester without His help. It is by His strength that I am getting through. I've experienced His peace - I'm not sure if I've ever had more on my plate before...piling school, work, church, babysitting, friends going through hard times, and a lack of sleep - all on top of my grieving; it sure has given me a lot to handle! But when I get worked up...He gives me His peace so I can be calm. I've seen His love - He has placed so many people into my life who are willing to help me, people to love me and point me towards Him. He has given me the courage to ask for help when I need it, even if I am feeling needy. And He's given me joy by reminding me that He's the reason for all of these amazing things- for getting through the semester, for healing my heart, for providing men in my life who can help provide a little of what Dad provided for me, giving me women who listen to me ramble, and so much more. The Lord is my strength; I am lost without Him. I am so weak without Him, but He gives me the strength to push through each day. And because of Him - I can face tomorrow. Can you?

Sometimes I think we're like this leaf -- so broken and dying...and yet there's beauty inside. So much pain and struggle in this world - so much to cause sorrow. But, if you keep Your eyes on your Maker, there's beauty just waiting to be appear. There's been beauty in the midst of my pain and brokeness. There's healing - all because of an amazing Savior. Can you look past your pain to see His hand?

Let me leave you with the song "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. It is a reminder to me that sometimes you've gotta fall in order to learn how to walk....you have to face the clouds and rain in order to see the rainbow. Don't let your situations bring you down; be patient, the sun will soon be shining, for that's what faith can do.

~

Everybody falls sometimes

Gotta find the strength to rise

From the ashes and make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache

You think it’s more than you can take

But you are stronger, stronger than you know

Don’t you give up now

The sun will soon be shining

You gotta face the clouds

To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

Thank you, Lord, for Your hand of healing!

Random Thoughts

I don't have anything real great to say today....just lots of little things that have been on my mind. So here they are...

• Our God is an amazing God! Have you checked out the sunsets lately? They're beautiful!
• I was reading the book of Esther in the Bible the other week. And one of the first verses that I came across was "Mordecai had a cousin named Hadassah, whom he had brought up because she had neither father nor mother. This girl, who was also known as Esther, was lovely in form and features, and Mordecai had taken her as his own daughter when her father and mother died." (Esther 2:7). It was just enlightening to read that Esther was an orphan, yet she let her cousin/uncle be a father figure in her life - and she also not only became Queen, but saved her people. What a testimony! I may not have lost both of my parents....but it reminded me that it's ok to let someone be a father figure to me....and also that the death of a parent at a young age does not have to suppress what you can do in life. I can still be successful and and happy - even if Dad's not on this Earth to see it.
• I have been SO blessed! I have amazing adult friends, whether that's my bosses, professors, or family/church friends, who have helped me through so much; wonderful friends at Geneva who have been patient with me this first month of school; and overall..just a wonderful life. I have been spared from so much pain and heartache - and I know it's only because of God.
• Frustration is still a pretty noticeable emotion in my life lately. I just seem to get frustrated with everything. I need prayers for this!
• I have had 3 really good days lately. Just days where things feel a little normal now. I can feel God's presence again, I want to serve Him and grow in Him, and am motivated to keep drawing closer to my Lord.
• I can feel the prayers of my growth group at New Life Baptist -- we are to pray for one thing for each member in our group for one month. My prayer request this week was to feel God's presence and experience His joy again. That was on Wednesday - Friday, Saturday, and today have been full of His joy! Praise the Lord!
• I still have my moments and I still miss my dad. He played such a large role in my life. I am so thankful we had such a healthy relationship. I was so blessed.
• Jeremy Camp, Natalie Grant, and Bebo Norman are here...in western PA, 5 miles from my house. I'm shocked! The concert tonight will bring some excitement into my life! :)
• I have been so blessed to have several godly men in my life step up and be a father figure to me. Just their presence in my life helps ease a little bit of the pain. Likewise, I have so many wise women who have shared their advice and gave me their listening ear. I am thankful!
• Did I mention we have a wonderful, indescrible God? He is so good to me - He's healing my broken heart - and He's my Father in heaven. What more do I need?

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

Weddings are beautiful. There is just something about watching a man and a woman commit their lives to each other for the rest of their time on this earth that gives me chills. Today, I had the honor of witnessing two church friends get married. It was beautiful, they are in love, and I was so excited for them.

And then...came the Father/Daughter dance song. It wasn't until the DJ called all the fathers and daughters out to the dance floor that I lost it. I sat in my seat and had tears streaming down my face. And as I sat there, I heard myself say, "It's not fair. It's not fair that they all have a dad who is alive." And I repeat that - it's not fair. In my mind, it's not fair that my dad and I only had 20 years together. It's not fair that he's not here to protect me and love me. It's not fair that the majority of my friends don't understand or are so uncomfortable with everything, causing strain in the relationship. It's not fair that most people at Geneva are stressing about getting their homework done and getting out of class on time...while I'm stressing about all that on top of grieving the death of my dad. It's not fair.

But....life is not fair. And I'm sure everyone thinks that from time to time-whether it's about how people treat you or dealing with the death of a loved one. BUT - we have a God who is there for us no matter what. He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us (Joshua 1:5). I had an amazing relationship with my dad for 20 years of my life....something alot of girls never experience. I knew he loved me (he never had to tell me) - and knew he would love me unconditionally; his life showed his love. I have wonderful professors, employers, and adult friends who are willing to listen to me ramble and pour my heart out when I need to. I have been far blessed beyond what I deserve and really have had a wonderful life - but some days I just miss my dad....and tonight is one of them.

It's a battle. Every day is a battle-a battle of knowing when it's ok to grieve and when to put up a wall. A battle of putting a smile on my face. A battle of balancing grieving with moving on with life. A battle of getting to class or work on time, becasue I'm just so emotionally exhausted. A battle of learning to be content with where God has placed me in my life. But you know what? The Lord has promised to fight our battles for us - 2 Chronicles 20:15 says "Do not be afraid of discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's." I don't have to worry - it's not my battle. I'm just one of the soldiers. We already know the outcome of the battle - God has promised victory if we just keep our eyes on Him. Are you facing any battles today? Are you willing to give them to the rightful owner?

It may seem that the battle will never end or you may be weary and tired....but do not fear, do not give up. "You will not have to fight this battle. take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverence the Lord will give you....Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." (2 Chron. 20:16-17)

Will you join me in giving our battles to the Lord and letting Him bring the victory?

It's Ok, Baby Girl

Well...it's been quite a few weeks since I last wrote here, huh? I am finding that I am just constantly frustrated and upset and I figured that probably wouldn't be a very good time to write! Hence...there's been a lack of posts! But enough small talk...on to the real deal. :)

This past Friday, I was babysitting a family from church, Emily who is 5 years old and Joseph who is almost 2. Josepeh was taking a nap and Emily was doing a good job entertaining herself, so I decided to just sit back and listen to Emily play. You can learn so much about humans just by listening to a child. Anyways...so Emily was playing "house" with Barbie Doll things (not quite Barbie dolls....but little dolls like that). She had two dolls out...a "daughter" doll and a "Daddy" doll.

The daughter doll was in the toy house, while Emily had the father doll on the roof of the house. Kinda silly-and I wasn't really sure what exactly she was doing. But I listened closely to Emily making up the conversation between the father and the daughter doll (complete with the deep, manly voice for the dad and the fear in the daughter's voice). And it went like this...

Daddy doll - "Hold on, Sweetheart! I'm coming to get you!"
Daughter doll - "Daddy, be safe! Don't fall!"
Daddy doll - "It's ok, Baby Girl. I'm going to save my Baby Girl."
Daughter doll - "Daddy, I love you. Please don't get hurt."
Daddy doll - "Everything's going to be ok. Daddy won't let you get hurt. I'm coming to rescue you, my Baby Girl. "

Now as a daughter who just lost her daddy, hearing this conversation brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me that I don't have anyone on this earth who will call me his "Baby Girl". My daddy is gone from this earthly life....and hearing this converation just reminded me of the need for a father that all young girls have-the hole that is left in my heart. It's the way we were created...God placed a need in little girls to be loved and protected by their earthly father. And it's heartbreaking to see so many young girls who either don't have a dad or who are "emotionally" abandoned by their dads. I was blessed to have a great dad - no, he wasn't perfect. He was definitely all "man" in every sense of the word....didn't get real emotional or serious, no "I love you"'s or hugs....but he was always there for me the moment I needed him. His presence in my life was enough to know that I was loved by a father and would be protected as long as he was on this earth.

Secondly, after I got past the tears and sadness, this conversation that Emily made up reminded me that I do have someone who calls me "Baby Girl." I have my Abba - my Daddy - my Heavenly Father. He is looking down from heaven, seeing me in my pain and sorrow and hurt and is saying in his tender voice, "Everything's going to be ok. Daddy won't let you get hurt. I'm coming to rescue you, my Baby Girl."

And so...I'm going to believe that tender promise, hang on to my Rescuer, and trust my Abba to save me, not let me get hurt, and to restore my joy. It's going to be a lifelong adventure - but I think it's going to be one worth taking!

Best Friends Forever

Guess where I'm going tomorrow????? I get to go to Virginia to visit my beautiful, best friend Hannah. I am SO excited!

Hannah has been my best friend for 15 years -- since kindergarten!! She's been with me through thick and thin....being friendly when I was shy when I was younger, putting up with the awkwardness and insecurities during junior high, learning how to have a long-distance friendship during college, and now helping me grieve my father's death.

Have I mentioned how wonderful Hannah is? She drove all the way from New York - a 4 hour drive - just to spend one night with me the first weekend my dad was in the hospital. And this was all during finals week. And then she and her family drove up from Virginia - a 6 hour drive - for my dad's funeral....to be with me and my family for 2 hours. Not just anyone does that. She is such a wonderful friend.

We are so similar and yet so different. Since her family moved last year, I've missed her alot - and this summer has been a bit lonely, not having a friend to go to Forbush's with to get ice cream or to just randomly hang out. But I know that this is God's plan for her family's life - and this distance has shown me just how much I treasure her friendship. I know that often when we were around each other all the time, I took our friendship for granted. I've been so blessed to have Hannah in my life.

I can't wait to see her tomorrow - to see her new house, to get away from everything here, and to just be together for the weekend. I'm sure there will be lots of giggles, lots of immature moments, and lots of craziness!!! I can't wait! :)

Who is someone God has blessed you with that you often take for granted?

Challenges

"I'm going to wrap my arms around my daddy's neck and tell him how much I've missed him...when I finally make it home." (MercyMe) Some days I just miss my daddy...and today's one of those days. It's been 7 weeks sicne the Lord called him home....and a total of 11 weeks since Dad and I had our last conversation. I pressed some of the flowers that were in the arrangements at my dad's funeral - and tonight, I ventured down to try and and do something with them for the first time. Doing something with these pressed flowers sorta reminds of the finality of the situation. These flowers are real; they came from the funeral. So often I have trouble believing that the funeral even happened. That I stood next to casket with my dad's earthly body wrapped in it for over 6 hours, while greeting over 1000 people who came to offer their support and condolences.

While I was working with the pressed flowers, I was thinking how I have really been challenged the past 2.5 months. I've been challenged, the most, in my walk with God. I had never been closer to God than this past year before everything happened. He was my Best Friend, the One to whom my thoughts would wander to. It took alot of practice, but I had finally come to the point where I would talk to the Lord mulitple times throughout the day. When Dad had his reaction to the dye from the catherization and Mom called me to tell me I needed to get to the hospital ASAP and that Dad might not make it, I had just finished praying and reading Psalm 121. All I could do was groan and say, "No, Lord, no. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready." I repeated those words for over an hour while I paced the house, made phone calls urging people to pray, and waited for a ride to the hospital. The following morning, after pulling my first all-nighter in the hospital waiting room, I remember trying to pray...but all I could say was, "Lord, You know. Just work." I had no other words. The rest of the month and even after Dad's death - I could only pray with groans. There were no words. I was trusting Romans 8:26 where it says "we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Since those moments of great despair, I've found that I'm back to where I was earlier this year...finding it difficult to communicate with God during the day. I've had a hard time hearing what He's speaking to me. He feels so far away, and yet I know that He is right here beside me, promising to never leave me. In some ways I have lost my trust in God - my belief in the power of prayer. It's been a challenge. And, although I can't say that I've conquered this mountain, I think I'm on my way back up. I'm dusting off my knees from falling down and am getting back on the journey.

I've also been challenged emotionally. I've always been a very private person. I don't share my thoughts with just anyone. But in these moments of great despair the past 11 weeks, I have found that I will just share with anyone who is willing to listen. I've had to learn to be vulnerable. I've had to learn to know when to stop and listen to other's hurts. I've been challenged to seek after the Lord for my comfort and security - but to also let other people help. I've had to learn when it's ok to cry and grieve - and when it'd just be better to put up a wall.

Physically, I've really had trouble sleeping. I used to be able to sleep from the moment my head hit the pillow until the time my alarm went off. Not anymore. Most nights I toss and turn all night, hardly getting any sleep. For a couple of weeks, I would wake up each morning some time between 2:30 and 3 am. Or sometimes I will dream. The 4 weeks my dad was in the hospital and even the night he died, I slept wonderfully. No tossing and turning, no dreams, no waking up. It wasn't until 2 weeks after my dad's death did all this begin. I've been somewhat sleep deprived for the past 7 weeks....let's just say that it doesn't make for a happy girl!

Lastly, I've really been challenged socially. I've lost my dad. The one and only man in my life - the one I could trust to always love me, be there the moment I called, always think I'm beautiful, and be my protector. Socially, this all plays out by lowering my self-esteem and increasing my vulnerability. I've had to be careful with who I share my heart's cry with-I'm in a very vulnerable time in my life. Ultimately, I need to seek out my comfort and help from the Lord; but I also believe that God places people into our lives who can help us. I've had to learn to not take things personally, to realize that alot of others are more uncomfortable with my situation than I am and most of them have no idea how to act as they've never been in this situation. For 20 years of my life, I could not understand or relate to people when their parents or a close family member (other than a grandparent) died; I had sympathy, but didn't know the emotion to the full extent. I know now. And it's worse than what you can even imagine. But there's a growing period that comes with it.

These are just a few of the challenges I've had to face lately. Have you spent some time lately to think about the challenges currently in your life? What are they? Are you growing through them and drawing closer to God - or are you ignoring them and not learning a lesson?

The Gift of Music

Someone once said, "Music is what feelings sound like." And to be honest -- I think this person just may be correct!! Lately, I've really been ministered to through music - in particular, Christian music. This past year, I took a break from pretty much all music with the exception of worship songs. I tried to only listen to songs that worshipped God - for what He's done and who He is. I felt convicted that many worship songs are about "me", so I had to search to find good worship songs. I made myself turn off the radio, Windows Media Player, etc. in order to be able to try to listen to God more closely and talk with Him. I have to admit - when I first turned off the music, things were quiet....a little too quiet for my liking. But after the first week of keeping my radio off in my car, and using that time to pray or just sit in silence, I started to enjoy the quiet! And up until my dad was in the hospital, I had grown to love the silence during my morning commute to school. In fact, I loved it so much - that when I was with friends who constantly had their music playing, I started to feel overwhelmed. There was just so much noise going on in the background; I felt like I couldn't think or truly enjoy each other's company and conversation.

When my dad was in the hospital, my aunt and uncle would bring me home each night from the hospital. We would listen to the contemporary Christian radio station each night. Well....it seemed like each night, a song would play that would be just what I needed to hear. In the past two months, I have grown to love Christian music again. I still love worship music, but I've found myself being drawn to music during the day that helps lift my soul, that encourages me to hang on to Jesus, and that expresses my thoughts on my dad's death. I have such a greater appreciation for music now since I have taken my "music fast"--I believe God can use music to help strengthen us. Here are some of the songs that have really been ministering to me...

Finally Home by MercyMe: "I'm going wrap my arms around my daddy's neck, and tell him that I've missed him, and tell him all about the (wo)man that I became, and hope that it pleased him. There's so much I want to say, there's so much I want you to know. - When I finally make it home, when I finally make it home."

My Faith Looks Up to Thee hymn: "While life's dark maze I tread, and griefs around me spread, be Thou my guide; bid darkness turn to day, wipe sorrow's tears away, nor let me ever stray from thee aside."

Times by Tenth Avenue North: "I know I need You, I need to love You, I'd love to see You but it's been so long. I'd love to feel You, I feel this need for You, I need to hear You, is that so wrong?...But I hear You say, My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. The times you doubt me, and when you can't feel, the times that you question is this for real? The times that you're broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me, the times that you bend....The times that you're healing, and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace, the times that you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal, in times of confusion, in chaos and pain, I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame, I'm there there in your heart-ache, I'm there in the storm, My love I will keep you by my power alone, I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been, I'll never forsake you, my love never ends."

Thy Word by Amy Grant: "When I feel afraid and think I've lost my way, still You're there right beside me, nothing will I fear, as long as you are near, please be near me to the end."

Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North: "One tear in the driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain, could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?, One life, that's all I am, right now I can barely stand, if You're everything You say You are, would You come close and hold my heart?"

Jesus Calling by 33 Miles: "You see there's always another story, another side to every coin, but how you see your circumstance is all about a choice. When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain, hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in, you're blinded by the lightning. Do you also hear that still, small voice saying it's okay, you're not alone, you may be scared to death, but I won't let you go, you may think the sky is falling, but can you hear Jesus calling?"

All this to say....take some extra time to actually listen to the words of the songs that are playing on your radio. Hear the message of the songs - and let it speak to your heart. Don't let music play in the background just for "noise" so you don't have to listen to the thoughts that are rolling around in your mind. Take time to be still and silent; enjoy the quiet, but then let God speak to you through the wonderful gift of music.

Vulnerable...the Rejected Emotion

I had a life lesson this past week. The past two weeks have been really rough for me. I have found myself with tears streaming down my face often. Maybe a little too often. Last night, I was at my church for a session meeting – I am becoming a member of the church (finally), and had to meet before the session. Well, everything was going good, until I had to give the “right hand of fellowship” to about 8 men—the elders in the church. Now normally, this would not be a big deal. But I have hardly seen men my dad’s age for the past month, so just being in the presence of older men was a bit overwhelming. The new members all filed into a line and were going through shaking hands of the elders. I made it through the first few men, but was starting to get teary-eyed. By the time I got to a good friend of mine, who was near the end of the line, I just lost it. I broke down and bawled. This man just stood there and hugged me. Well, I was holding up the line and the other new members were watching….a bit awkward!! But my friend invited me to go to his house for a little bit to talk with him and his wife-and I jumped at the opportunity.

You see, I am hurting right now. And I want to let others help. I want to give someone a call when I’m sad and upset and just need to know someone is supporting me. I want to stop over at friends’ houses when I need someone to just hug me and tell me it’s ok to cry or to just be in the presence of someone who cares. I find myself not calling or not stopping over, because I don’t want to interrupt their plans or be “too needy”, etc – but I find myself needing to be with people who love and support me. But that requires vulnerability on my part. And that is an awfully hard thing for me to be right now.

I think most of us hate that word. Vulnerable. It just sounds so…scary – at least to me. I’ve had two conversations with different people this week about this issue. Most of us are so willing to help other people. To take time to listen to our friends when they are hurting and support them in some way. Yet, when our turn comes around to be the vulnerable one…it is so much harder. We don’t want to show our emotions, we don’t want to let others know how much we hurt or how scared we are. We are “supposed to be strong.” Well – I’m here to tell you – as Christians, it’s ok to not be strong and ask for help.

Last night I sat on a couch in between a very godly, older, and wise couple being comforted while I had a constant stream of tears running down my face for 2 hours. I was vulnerable. I shared what was on my heart. And I found peace-and extreme thankfulness.

So remember…be there for your friends, support others, find those who are broken and hurting around you. There are plenty of people who just need love and support. Keep your eyes open and let yourself love them with God’s love. But when it comes a time when you have a deep hurt…don’t be afraid to express yourself or show your “weakness”. Let others show you that same love that you once showed them in their time of pain. And I promise – you’ll be blessed by being open and vulnerable.

Galatians 6:2 – Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

The Last Frontier

This past March, I had the opportunity to go to Anchorage, Alaska on a mission trip over my spring break. When people find out I went to Alaska, they typically ask 2 questions: 1, “Why did you choose to fly all the way to Alaska for your first plane ride?” And secondly, “Why would you want to go someplace cold during spring break instead of somewhere warm?” Well, I’m not sure I really know the answers to either of those questions yet! While in Alaska, we worked with a soup kitchen. The Downtown Soup Kitchen is a Christian run, non-profit soup kitchen that makes 40 gallons of soup each day, 5 times a week. Most of the clients are Alaskan natives who are either homeless or just don’t have a lot of extra money for lunch. During our time there, we would eat lunch with the clients each day – a lunch consisting of soup, a sandwich –such as tuna, chicken, or ham salad – and some dessert. The Soup Kitchen doesn’t have enough places to eat inside, so they set up picnic tables outside to eat on. This meant we ate outside in 28 degree weather each day while we visited with the clients!

Our main project for the week was to completely redo the interior of a shower house the soup kitchen owns. The shower house is just a normal house that they bought to provide a shower to 5 clients 2 times a week. The clients also get their clothes washed for free; while they are waiting for their clothes to dry, the staff member prays with them and counsels them. When we got there, the walls were white and there were towels for curtains. We were given $1500 and 3 days to renovate the bland house into colorful one. We picked out all the paint and painted every room, bought new decorations, found another couch for free, and transformed the shower house into a place with cheerful, homey atmosphere. The staff members loved our work and couldn’t wait to show it off to the clients.

You can’t go on a mission trip and not be changed in at least one way. One thing that I gained from the trip was deeper friendships with my team members. I had several of my friends go on the trip with me, so it was fun to see them outside of the school atmosphere and spend time together. Secondly, I now have a greater sensitivity for the poor. I have never seen so many people looking so lost and hungry – physically and spiritually. Lastly, I have come to appreciate God’s creation so much more! Alaska is beautiful; you can’t go there and look at the mountains without seeing that there is a Creator. They are so majestic and the pictures that I took do not even come close to showing their splendor!

Obviously you do not have to go to Alaska to find homeless people who are in need of physical materials, love, and spiritual help. I challenge each of you to take some time out of your busy schedule to show love and concern for the poor right where you are. Show your children how to give by taking them to volunteer in a soup kitchen once a month or on holidays. Support the City Rescue Mission. There are many men and women out there who are so lost and hopeless. Don’t let your busy schedule keep you from sharing the hope that you have found.

A Father's Day Note (a day late)

It’s Father’s Day. The day you are to honor the men in your life. And today’s the first time in my life that I have no one to buy a card for. You know this day will come – when you won’t have a father, grandfather, or husband to honor…you just never think that it will be when you are in your early twenties. So…since there was no card to buy today, I thought I’d write a quick tribute/things I’ve learned in the past two months since watching my dad suffer in the hospital and then losing him.

My dad was a great man. In the letter I wrote for his funeral, I shared my thoughts on some of the things that made Dad “Dad”. I want to challenge all of you who are honoring your father today – enjoy those little annoying habits that he does now. I know when my dad was still on Earth, I would just roll my eyes at some of the silly quirks he did – how he could find the sweets wherever he went, pick up a conversation with just about anyone and leave my mom and I waiting for him, somehow manage to make annoying noises with his utensils while eating dinner just to be “annoying”, or repeat stories several times…a habit that drove me crazy! He would never remember that he told us, but Mom and I would just sit at the dinner table and joke about how his memory must be going-along with his hearing…..this could go on several days until finally he came up with a new story to tell. Now that he’s gone, I find that I miss some of the things I found annoying before. So the next time you find yourself rolling your eyes or getting annoyed with your parents over the little things, remember that they won’t be here on this earth forever. Treasure those moments.

I’ve had several life lessons learned since my dad has been in the hospital and then went home to be with the Lord. First, nothing will ever prepare you for the loss of one of your parents – no matter how old you are. Even though you know they won’t always be here for you on earth, somehow…you just aren’t prepared. But I think that is also true for any death – no matter who it is. Just remember to enjoy your time with them now – even if they can drive you crazy at times. Secondly, you will find out who truly cares about you when you go through a tragedy. Unfortunately, you can’t expect all of your friends to be there for you in the hard times – it’s in these moments where you find who are your true friends. But you can be a friend at all times (Proverbs 17:17) – be there to support your friend no matter what they are going through…and no matter “how stressed” you feel over the little things in life, such as homework, work, or relationships. I’ve also learned that many people are very uncomfortable talking about a tragic situation. If a friend is going through a tragic situation, I encourage you to address the situation – acknowledge it – when you see your friend. Don’t just ignore it-that hurts. But don’t talk about it for awhile, unless your friend keeps the conversation going – it can make things awkward. Sometimes it’s good to talk about the trial, but other times, the person going through the situation just want life to feel “normal”. Fourthly, it’s ok to show emotion. It’s ok as a Christian to let others know that you’re not ok, that your heart is breaking. Emotions are real – and can be very dangerous if not acted on appropriately. Run to your Father who is holding His arms out to you. I don’t know how unbelievers even get through tough situations - - I had/have a God who I can go to with my fears and tears, but I still felt lost; I can’t imagine the despair a nonbeliever feels. Lastly, our God is a God of promise. He has promised to be with us always – in our delight and in our despair, to answer when we call for Him, and to have a purpose for everything that happens in life. Don’t give up on Him. At times, He may be the only One who truly knows your heart, your thoughts, and your pain.

My amazing best friend of 15 years introduced me to the song “Always” by Building 429 – the chorus and last verse really spoke to me. I’m going to leave you with the lyrics - as my hope that you will find encouragement and truth in them – whether you are loving life or feel like your world is falling apart. Hold on. There’s hope. God never said that the journey would be easy, but He did say that the arrival would be worthwhile.

~~~
Friend, I don’t know where you are and I don’t know where you’ve been

Maybe you’re fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in

But if you’re crying out for mercy, if there’s no hope left at all

If you’ve given everything you’ve got and you’re still about to fall

Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause

I believe always, always

Our Savior never fails

Even when all hope is gone

God knows our pain and his promise remains

He will be with you always

~~~

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy! Hope you’re singing your heart out and bringing much joy to others up there! :) I love you!

Quick First Post

Well...it's that time. Time to create a blog.

But this isn't just any type of blog. It's one that I hope to use to minister to others - to my readers - through my life experience.

Life is hard. It's rough. It hurts at times. And yet, there are also moments of great joy, delight, and excitement. But through it all - we have a God who is standing right beside us, holding us and everything that happens in His hands.

I hope that through my scribbles, you will be able to see the hand of God in my life, recognize the hand of God in your life, and then turn to help others catch a glimpse of the hand of God in their life.

Stay posted! :)