Challenges

"I'm going to wrap my arms around my daddy's neck and tell him how much I've missed him...when I finally make it home." (MercyMe) Some days I just miss my daddy...and today's one of those days. It's been 7 weeks sicne the Lord called him home....and a total of 11 weeks since Dad and I had our last conversation. I pressed some of the flowers that were in the arrangements at my dad's funeral - and tonight, I ventured down to try and and do something with them for the first time. Doing something with these pressed flowers sorta reminds of the finality of the situation. These flowers are real; they came from the funeral. So often I have trouble believing that the funeral even happened. That I stood next to casket with my dad's earthly body wrapped in it for over 6 hours, while greeting over 1000 people who came to offer their support and condolences.

While I was working with the pressed flowers, I was thinking how I have really been challenged the past 2.5 months. I've been challenged, the most, in my walk with God. I had never been closer to God than this past year before everything happened. He was my Best Friend, the One to whom my thoughts would wander to. It took alot of practice, but I had finally come to the point where I would talk to the Lord mulitple times throughout the day. When Dad had his reaction to the dye from the catherization and Mom called me to tell me I needed to get to the hospital ASAP and that Dad might not make it, I had just finished praying and reading Psalm 121. All I could do was groan and say, "No, Lord, no. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready." I repeated those words for over an hour while I paced the house, made phone calls urging people to pray, and waited for a ride to the hospital. The following morning, after pulling my first all-nighter in the hospital waiting room, I remember trying to pray...but all I could say was, "Lord, You know. Just work." I had no other words. The rest of the month and even after Dad's death - I could only pray with groans. There were no words. I was trusting Romans 8:26 where it says "we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Since those moments of great despair, I've found that I'm back to where I was earlier this year...finding it difficult to communicate with God during the day. I've had a hard time hearing what He's speaking to me. He feels so far away, and yet I know that He is right here beside me, promising to never leave me. In some ways I have lost my trust in God - my belief in the power of prayer. It's been a challenge. And, although I can't say that I've conquered this mountain, I think I'm on my way back up. I'm dusting off my knees from falling down and am getting back on the journey.

I've also been challenged emotionally. I've always been a very private person. I don't share my thoughts with just anyone. But in these moments of great despair the past 11 weeks, I have found that I will just share with anyone who is willing to listen. I've had to learn to be vulnerable. I've had to learn to know when to stop and listen to other's hurts. I've been challenged to seek after the Lord for my comfort and security - but to also let other people help. I've had to learn when it's ok to cry and grieve - and when it'd just be better to put up a wall.

Physically, I've really had trouble sleeping. I used to be able to sleep from the moment my head hit the pillow until the time my alarm went off. Not anymore. Most nights I toss and turn all night, hardly getting any sleep. For a couple of weeks, I would wake up each morning some time between 2:30 and 3 am. Or sometimes I will dream. The 4 weeks my dad was in the hospital and even the night he died, I slept wonderfully. No tossing and turning, no dreams, no waking up. It wasn't until 2 weeks after my dad's death did all this begin. I've been somewhat sleep deprived for the past 7 weeks....let's just say that it doesn't make for a happy girl!

Lastly, I've really been challenged socially. I've lost my dad. The one and only man in my life - the one I could trust to always love me, be there the moment I called, always think I'm beautiful, and be my protector. Socially, this all plays out by lowering my self-esteem and increasing my vulnerability. I've had to be careful with who I share my heart's cry with-I'm in a very vulnerable time in my life. Ultimately, I need to seek out my comfort and help from the Lord; but I also believe that God places people into our lives who can help us. I've had to learn to not take things personally, to realize that alot of others are more uncomfortable with my situation than I am and most of them have no idea how to act as they've never been in this situation. For 20 years of my life, I could not understand or relate to people when their parents or a close family member (other than a grandparent) died; I had sympathy, but didn't know the emotion to the full extent. I know now. And it's worse than what you can even imagine. But there's a growing period that comes with it.

These are just a few of the challenges I've had to face lately. Have you spent some time lately to think about the challenges currently in your life? What are they? Are you growing through them and drawing closer to God - or are you ignoring them and not learning a lesson?