Goodbye 2009!

Two thousand and nine. What a year! It was filled with a lot of learning experiences, but also some fun. To be honest though, it was the worst year of my life so far---and I couldn't be more excited to say goodbye to 2009 and hello to 2010!

It all started last January when my grandma had to have emergency surgery and wasn't doing very well at all. After being in the hospital for 3 weeks, she finally came home. During this time, I was in my first car wreck...did a 360 across both lanes of traffic and hit a guardrail with my front bumper. So scary, but God was good. My dad happened to be off work, because he had broken his wrist, so he was just 15 minutes away and came to my rescue! I didn't get hurt at all - just shaken up, although my car was in rough shape, and the policeman didn't even publish my name in the newspaper when he wrote up the report! :)

Two weeks later, I conquered another fear - I got baptized! I knew I needed to be baptized, but was always afraid because I don't like the thought of having someone push me underwater. Well...February 15, I grabbed the bull by the horns and got baptized! 3 weeks after this, I conquered yet my 3rd fear for the year....I flew on a plane for the first time! I was terrified...but it wasn't bad at all! I flew to Alaska -- 8 hours on a plane. I LOVED Alaska! So beautiful, calm, and refreshing. I have to go back at least once in my lifetime!

And then 6 weeks after my adventure to Alaska, my parents bought me a piano! I was so excited--and just love it to pieces! It still needs a little work....needs tuned and such -- but I LOVE playing it. It just gives my brain some time to relax and not have to think too much.

That same day proved to be the start of a very long month--and the worst time in my life. God decided that my dad's time on Earth was complete and that it was time to take him home on May 27. Those four weeks plus the weeks around the funeral were just horrendous. Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a parent unexpectedly.

After Dad's death, the rest of the year was sorta just a blur. Working through my grief, struggling with the death of a few other friends, it was all just a mess. But - God is still good. I can't say that I've really enjoyed the past 7 months....yes, there were some times where I enjoyed myself, but in general....it was a struggle every day to get up, to feel loved, to feel God's presence, and to not be discouraged. I never knew that there could be this much pain in the world. In the midst of these trials, however, God has shown me His love. He has spoken to me - mostly through the Old Testament during this - and has reminded me that the battles in this world are not own own. They're His. He's working to bring good.

Talking about battles.....this fall, I learned how to shoot a gun and a bow! I was so excited and I loved both experiences! I can't say I'm too good, but it was so much fun!

Like I said, God has brought good through my year of trials. He has blessed me with so many wonderful friends! This summer, I went to Virginia to visit my best friend! Oh, Hannah is so good to me - and it was really nice to see her new house and just spend a few days catching up. Now that we're in college and her family has moved, we only see each other about 3-4 times a year. But --- she is definitely a friend of the heart; we've been through so much together. 16 years is a long time to be close friends! Despite the distance, she still remains one of my closest friends. I am so grateful to have an amazing friend!!

My friends at Geneva have also been wonderful. They were so patient with me-especially the past few weeks. They listened to me vent about so many issues for hours on end -- probably when they had stuff they wanted to talk about too. I've been blessed! They are good to me! And God has been so good to provide me with fatherly figures who love me. Words can't even begin to express my gratitude. There are so many of them and they are all just so wonderful! God has blessed me with godly men and women - from all areas of my life - who have cared for me, sat with me through my tears, and loved me. I am incredibly thankful for all of them.

Like I said -- 2009 was by far the hardest year in my life. I am so ready for a new year! Although I know trials can help you grow, I'm ready for some fun times! :) 2010 seems to be holding a trip to the Dominican Republic and Ukraine, student teacher (ahh!!), the start of my senior year of college, and hopefully - growing more like my Maker. I'm looking forward to seeing what all 2010 will bring!

Desperate for my Abba

Wow...I'm learning something through the past few months..... your emotions can change in an instant!!! And, honestly, I hate it! I want to be able to regulate my emotions, yet I don't feel like I am capable of doing that right now. I really don't like it.

You know what else? I'm finding that I have a pretty rotten attitude lately. I could find the positive; but sometimes it's hard and it takes too much work....and i don't want to. But this is a goal for this week....to find something positive each day.

And lately, I've really seen my mean sinful nature come up. At times I wish I swore just so that I could show the intensity of my emotions. And yet -- I know that a swear word really doesn't show the intensity of it....but I feel like it does right now. And I really wish that I could just scream any 4-letter word, just to get the emotion out. You might be wondering if this is really "Aimee" writing this...but it is! It's just been a pretty bad 3 weeks.

I'm desperate for alone time. I'm desperate for someone to understand. I'm desperate for a male authority figure-one that is in charge of me 24/7 who I can fight with when I don't want to do what he tells me to do. I'm desperate for love. I'm desperate for someone to not be afraid of my tears and just let me cry and stay with them until everything's cleared up. I'm desperate for acceptance. I'm desperate for a family. I'm desperate for my dad.

And....yet - I think these all point to the one thing I really am desperate for --- my Abba (my Daddy) Who is an authority figure, Who understands, Who accepts me, Who knows each of my tears and wipes them away gently, Who has a plan and will be with me until life starts to look up, Who is my family, Who loves me so much more wholely, completely, and perfectly than any human could ever love me. He wants to be/do all of this for me. And He wants to do it for you too.

Trust your Abba. Our God is in control. Be at peace, my soul.

Beauty Will Rise

Whew.

The past few weeks have been rough. I think they may have even been worse than the week my dad died. Things have just been....not so good. I've found that I really miss my dad. I mean, really, really. I didn't think this kinda of ache and pain was possible. I just want to run up to him and wrap my arms around his neck and give him a HUGE hug. This isn't typical of our relationship -- I think that shows how much I miss him. I want him to be here to fix my car; I've been having some issues with it. I want him here to joke around with me. I want him here to protect me. I want him here to be the authority in the house. I want him here for Christmas and my mom's and his 30th wedding anniversary (which is tomorrow). I want him here so I know that I am loved. There's lots of other issues going on too....but those are better left unsaid. Just say lots of prayers for us if you think about it.

One of my friends got me Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD -- and I've been listening to it nonstop for the past 2 weeks. All these songs were written out of his experience with losing his youngest daughter in a car accident. Almost every song on that CD has ministered to me - for his thoughts are all my thoughts. And it's just so nice to see that I'm not the only one who's feeling this pain. So....just for some random lyrics from the new CD that pretty much sum up the thoughts I've been having lately....

"This is not how it should be, This is not how it could be, But this is how it is, and our God is in control." ("Our God is in Control")

"Who are You God? Cuase You are turning out to be so much different that I imagined, and where are You God? Cause I am finding life to be so much harder than I had planned. You know that I'm afraid to ask these queswtions, but You know they are there, and if You know my heart the way that I believe You do, You know that I believe in You, But still I have these questions." ("Questions")

"Whatever road this life takes you down, Jesuse will meet You there. He knows the way to where you are, He knows the way to the depths ofyour heart, He knows the way cuase He's already been where you're going, Jesus will meet you there." ("Jesus Will Meet You There")


"I don't even want to breathe right now, All I want to do is close my eyes, And I dont want to open them again, Til I'm standing on the other side, I dont even want to be right now, I dont want to think another thought, And I dont want to feel this pain I feel, but right now pain is all I've got....Trust You God, I will, Even when i don't understand, Even then I will say again, You are my God and I will trust You." ("I Will Trust You")

And lastly....probably the song that has hit me the hardest.... "Beauty Will Rise."

"It was the day the world went wrong, I screamed till my voice was gone, And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down, Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains, And sift through the ashes that are left behind, But buried deep beneath, All our broken dreams we have this hope -- Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise. And we will dance amoung the ruins, We will see it with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise, For we know joy is coming in the morning, in the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down, And if you can't believe, I will believe for you."

Ahhh... my thoughts. So much pain and hurt lately. So many tears. So much sadness. And in the midst of it, I found out how thankful I am for the people placed in my life. And for a God who promises to hold my life together, even if I feel like I can't. Because I can't -- He alone has control. And I'm thankful for people who love me enough to sit with me through my tears.

Beauty will rise. Joy is coming in the morning -- the night just seems so long. But morning is coming and then, we will see His beauty. Pray for patience. I want that morning to be here sooo soon. This reminds me of something I told my girls in my Bible Study last night.... The pearl - a beautiful piece of jewelry is made out of much pain, from sand rubbing up against it inside the oyster shell. One day, I hope I will be able to look back and say that I am a beautiful pearl that was only made beautiful by the pain in my life that caused me to grow.

Lord, come quickly.