I've been having those days recently.
About a week ago, I felt like the world was going right for everyone...except me. But, things were going good for me...I just wasn't content with life. I hated that people are moving into different stages of life. I hated that I am once again in the same place as I was last year at this time...not sure what I will be doing after June 6. I hated that I have to job search. I hated that I feel like all my friends are slowly moving away...either through physically moving or just moving into a new stage of life. I also will be leaving Riverside here in 6 weeks...and won't be seeing the people that I interacted with every day for the past year. I hated that it's coming up on the 3 year mark of my dad's heartattack here at the end of April...and then the 3 year mark of his death. And I hate that I still have so much pain from it. I also hate that I'm so busy with life right now and that I can't just stop and let myself breathe.
Those thoughts were all on my mind for about a week...until Saturday morning when I saw on Facebook that a high school peer had fallen from a 2 story balcony and was in critical condition in the ICU. And that was when my heart was completely ripped into two. Although I wasn't close friends with this kid, I did graduate with his brother and his mother was always so kind to me. I still remember going to her house at Christmas time after my dad died and sitting on the couch crying to her because I missed my dad. This family is one of the nicest families around and they shouldn't have to deal with this pain.
No one should have to deal with the pain of losing a loved one.
I was quickly overcome with anger and questions again. Questions like why dad my dad have to die when I was just 20? Why did Jason - this young kid with a full life ahead of him - have to die? Why so many young people from PCS have to experience a hard time and pass away? Why is there so much evil and suffering in this world? If God is truly for us, then why doesn't it seem like that? I've been filled with questions and emotions for the past few days.
When I heard Jason was in the critical care unit in ICU, I was immediately back at Allegheny General Hospital, sitting in the waiting room day after day after day... sitting there, waiting for each other when friends and family could go visit... only to still sit in the same spot because I refused to go visit him. I was filled with the intense pain and sadness of standing around my dad's bedside with friends and family while they sang songs and read Scripture as we took my dad off life support and he breathed his final breath. I remembered holding Dad's hand and burying my face in his arm on his bed because I couldn't stand to think that I had to say goodbye to my dad..that I had to let go of him, my source of security and protection, the one who shared my humor and stood up for me. I was reminded of my mom's broken heart for months and years after...of the tears I shed at each funeral I attended and each church service I sat through...of the 2 hour wait line of people who came to say their goodbyes at the funeral....of the meals and the cards that were sent...of the visits that were made and the emotions that came with the different people....of the support that was shown and the Facebook posts that were made.
Just two days before Jason's death, my mom was very sick with the stomach flu... and I was up late on a school night, cleaning up after her..in hallway by the bathroom. I was immediately brought back to a late night 3 years ago, when I came home from the hospital only to find my dog was dying and had accidents all throughout the house.... one of them, being in the same exact spot as where I was cleaning up that night. I was using the same cleaner and cleaning the same spot. It was a bit emotional. Just two days after my mom got sick, I was walking in the kitchen and thought "I need to make sure I don't spill Babe's water dish." It's been 3 years since I've had a dog and yet I still thought that.
Like I said... I don't understand the pain of this world. I don't understand the evil and the suffering and the death. I hate it all. I want it to go away. But as I've tried to search out answers this weekend and the past 3 years, I think I'm coming to the realization that faith is not about understanding, but rather trusting the heart of God. God is good. All the time...even when it's so hard to see it. I still have trouble seeing good out of my dad's death, but God is good. One of my favorite songs recently reminds me of that God's love is never going to fail me - no matter what is happening in life, God's love won't change for us.
So, be encouraged reader....God's love for you is not going to change. Even if you're experiencing the death of a loved one. Or a loss of job. Or a rebellious family member. Or a physical disease. Or a doubting faith. God's love for you will not change. His Son was pierced for you on the cross and that cannot be reversed. Praise Him for loving you and allow His love to hold you up even in the darkest times.
The wind is strong and the water's deep
But I'm not alone here in these open seas
Cause Your love never fails.
You stay the same through the ages, Your love never changes
There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning.
And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid
Because I know that You love me, Your love never fails.
