Random Thoughts

I don't have anything real great to say today....just lots of little things that have been on my mind. So here they are...

• Our God is an amazing God! Have you checked out the sunsets lately? They're beautiful!
• I was reading the book of Esther in the Bible the other week. And one of the first verses that I came across was "Mordecai had a cousin named Hadassah, whom he had brought up because she had neither father nor mother. This girl, who was also known as Esther, was lovely in form and features, and Mordecai had taken her as his own daughter when her father and mother died." (Esther 2:7). It was just enlightening to read that Esther was an orphan, yet she let her cousin/uncle be a father figure in her life - and she also not only became Queen, but saved her people. What a testimony! I may not have lost both of my parents....but it reminded me that it's ok to let someone be a father figure to me....and also that the death of a parent at a young age does not have to suppress what you can do in life. I can still be successful and and happy - even if Dad's not on this Earth to see it.
• I have been SO blessed! I have amazing adult friends, whether that's my bosses, professors, or family/church friends, who have helped me through so much; wonderful friends at Geneva who have been patient with me this first month of school; and overall..just a wonderful life. I have been spared from so much pain and heartache - and I know it's only because of God.
• Frustration is still a pretty noticeable emotion in my life lately. I just seem to get frustrated with everything. I need prayers for this!
• I have had 3 really good days lately. Just days where things feel a little normal now. I can feel God's presence again, I want to serve Him and grow in Him, and am motivated to keep drawing closer to my Lord.
• I can feel the prayers of my growth group at New Life Baptist -- we are to pray for one thing for each member in our group for one month. My prayer request this week was to feel God's presence and experience His joy again. That was on Wednesday - Friday, Saturday, and today have been full of His joy! Praise the Lord!
• I still have my moments and I still miss my dad. He played such a large role in my life. I am so thankful we had such a healthy relationship. I was so blessed.
• Jeremy Camp, Natalie Grant, and Bebo Norman are here...in western PA, 5 miles from my house. I'm shocked! The concert tonight will bring some excitement into my life! :)
• I have been so blessed to have several godly men in my life step up and be a father figure to me. Just their presence in my life helps ease a little bit of the pain. Likewise, I have so many wise women who have shared their advice and gave me their listening ear. I am thankful!
• Did I mention we have a wonderful, indescrible God? He is so good to me - He's healing my broken heart - and He's my Father in heaven. What more do I need?

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

Weddings are beautiful. There is just something about watching a man and a woman commit their lives to each other for the rest of their time on this earth that gives me chills. Today, I had the honor of witnessing two church friends get married. It was beautiful, they are in love, and I was so excited for them.

And then...came the Father/Daughter dance song. It wasn't until the DJ called all the fathers and daughters out to the dance floor that I lost it. I sat in my seat and had tears streaming down my face. And as I sat there, I heard myself say, "It's not fair. It's not fair that they all have a dad who is alive." And I repeat that - it's not fair. In my mind, it's not fair that my dad and I only had 20 years together. It's not fair that he's not here to protect me and love me. It's not fair that the majority of my friends don't understand or are so uncomfortable with everything, causing strain in the relationship. It's not fair that most people at Geneva are stressing about getting their homework done and getting out of class on time...while I'm stressing about all that on top of grieving the death of my dad. It's not fair.

But....life is not fair. And I'm sure everyone thinks that from time to time-whether it's about how people treat you or dealing with the death of a loved one. BUT - we have a God who is there for us no matter what. He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us (Joshua 1:5). I had an amazing relationship with my dad for 20 years of my life....something alot of girls never experience. I knew he loved me (he never had to tell me) - and knew he would love me unconditionally; his life showed his love. I have wonderful professors, employers, and adult friends who are willing to listen to me ramble and pour my heart out when I need to. I have been far blessed beyond what I deserve and really have had a wonderful life - but some days I just miss my dad....and tonight is one of them.

It's a battle. Every day is a battle-a battle of knowing when it's ok to grieve and when to put up a wall. A battle of putting a smile on my face. A battle of balancing grieving with moving on with life. A battle of getting to class or work on time, becasue I'm just so emotionally exhausted. A battle of learning to be content with where God has placed me in my life. But you know what? The Lord has promised to fight our battles for us - 2 Chronicles 20:15 says "Do not be afraid of discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's." I don't have to worry - it's not my battle. I'm just one of the soldiers. We already know the outcome of the battle - God has promised victory if we just keep our eyes on Him. Are you facing any battles today? Are you willing to give them to the rightful owner?

It may seem that the battle will never end or you may be weary and tired....but do not fear, do not give up. "You will not have to fight this battle. take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverence the Lord will give you....Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." (2 Chron. 20:16-17)

Will you join me in giving our battles to the Lord and letting Him bring the victory?

It's Ok, Baby Girl

Well...it's been quite a few weeks since I last wrote here, huh? I am finding that I am just constantly frustrated and upset and I figured that probably wouldn't be a very good time to write! Hence...there's been a lack of posts! But enough small talk...on to the real deal. :)

This past Friday, I was babysitting a family from church, Emily who is 5 years old and Joseph who is almost 2. Josepeh was taking a nap and Emily was doing a good job entertaining herself, so I decided to just sit back and listen to Emily play. You can learn so much about humans just by listening to a child. Anyways...so Emily was playing "house" with Barbie Doll things (not quite Barbie dolls....but little dolls like that). She had two dolls out...a "daughter" doll and a "Daddy" doll.

The daughter doll was in the toy house, while Emily had the father doll on the roof of the house. Kinda silly-and I wasn't really sure what exactly she was doing. But I listened closely to Emily making up the conversation between the father and the daughter doll (complete with the deep, manly voice for the dad and the fear in the daughter's voice). And it went like this...

Daddy doll - "Hold on, Sweetheart! I'm coming to get you!"
Daughter doll - "Daddy, be safe! Don't fall!"
Daddy doll - "It's ok, Baby Girl. I'm going to save my Baby Girl."
Daughter doll - "Daddy, I love you. Please don't get hurt."
Daddy doll - "Everything's going to be ok. Daddy won't let you get hurt. I'm coming to rescue you, my Baby Girl. "

Now as a daughter who just lost her daddy, hearing this conversation brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me that I don't have anyone on this earth who will call me his "Baby Girl". My daddy is gone from this earthly life....and hearing this converation just reminded me of the need for a father that all young girls have-the hole that is left in my heart. It's the way we were created...God placed a need in little girls to be loved and protected by their earthly father. And it's heartbreaking to see so many young girls who either don't have a dad or who are "emotionally" abandoned by their dads. I was blessed to have a great dad - no, he wasn't perfect. He was definitely all "man" in every sense of the word....didn't get real emotional or serious, no "I love you"'s or hugs....but he was always there for me the moment I needed him. His presence in my life was enough to know that I was loved by a father and would be protected as long as he was on this earth.

Secondly, after I got past the tears and sadness, this conversation that Emily made up reminded me that I do have someone who calls me "Baby Girl." I have my Abba - my Daddy - my Heavenly Father. He is looking down from heaven, seeing me in my pain and sorrow and hurt and is saying in his tender voice, "Everything's going to be ok. Daddy won't let you get hurt. I'm coming to rescue you, my Baby Girl."

And so...I'm going to believe that tender promise, hang on to my Rescuer, and trust my Abba to save me, not let me get hurt, and to restore my joy. It's going to be a lifelong adventure - but I think it's going to be one worth taking!

Best Friends Forever

Guess where I'm going tomorrow????? I get to go to Virginia to visit my beautiful, best friend Hannah. I am SO excited!

Hannah has been my best friend for 15 years -- since kindergarten!! She's been with me through thick and thin....being friendly when I was shy when I was younger, putting up with the awkwardness and insecurities during junior high, learning how to have a long-distance friendship during college, and now helping me grieve my father's death.

Have I mentioned how wonderful Hannah is? She drove all the way from New York - a 4 hour drive - just to spend one night with me the first weekend my dad was in the hospital. And this was all during finals week. And then she and her family drove up from Virginia - a 6 hour drive - for my dad's funeral....to be with me and my family for 2 hours. Not just anyone does that. She is such a wonderful friend.

We are so similar and yet so different. Since her family moved last year, I've missed her alot - and this summer has been a bit lonely, not having a friend to go to Forbush's with to get ice cream or to just randomly hang out. But I know that this is God's plan for her family's life - and this distance has shown me just how much I treasure her friendship. I know that often when we were around each other all the time, I took our friendship for granted. I've been so blessed to have Hannah in my life.

I can't wait to see her tomorrow - to see her new house, to get away from everything here, and to just be together for the weekend. I'm sure there will be lots of giggles, lots of immature moments, and lots of craziness!!! I can't wait! :)

Who is someone God has blessed you with that you often take for granted?

Challenges

"I'm going to wrap my arms around my daddy's neck and tell him how much I've missed him...when I finally make it home." (MercyMe) Some days I just miss my daddy...and today's one of those days. It's been 7 weeks sicne the Lord called him home....and a total of 11 weeks since Dad and I had our last conversation. I pressed some of the flowers that were in the arrangements at my dad's funeral - and tonight, I ventured down to try and and do something with them for the first time. Doing something with these pressed flowers sorta reminds of the finality of the situation. These flowers are real; they came from the funeral. So often I have trouble believing that the funeral even happened. That I stood next to casket with my dad's earthly body wrapped in it for over 6 hours, while greeting over 1000 people who came to offer their support and condolences.

While I was working with the pressed flowers, I was thinking how I have really been challenged the past 2.5 months. I've been challenged, the most, in my walk with God. I had never been closer to God than this past year before everything happened. He was my Best Friend, the One to whom my thoughts would wander to. It took alot of practice, but I had finally come to the point where I would talk to the Lord mulitple times throughout the day. When Dad had his reaction to the dye from the catherization and Mom called me to tell me I needed to get to the hospital ASAP and that Dad might not make it, I had just finished praying and reading Psalm 121. All I could do was groan and say, "No, Lord, no. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready." I repeated those words for over an hour while I paced the house, made phone calls urging people to pray, and waited for a ride to the hospital. The following morning, after pulling my first all-nighter in the hospital waiting room, I remember trying to pray...but all I could say was, "Lord, You know. Just work." I had no other words. The rest of the month and even after Dad's death - I could only pray with groans. There were no words. I was trusting Romans 8:26 where it says "we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Since those moments of great despair, I've found that I'm back to where I was earlier this year...finding it difficult to communicate with God during the day. I've had a hard time hearing what He's speaking to me. He feels so far away, and yet I know that He is right here beside me, promising to never leave me. In some ways I have lost my trust in God - my belief in the power of prayer. It's been a challenge. And, although I can't say that I've conquered this mountain, I think I'm on my way back up. I'm dusting off my knees from falling down and am getting back on the journey.

I've also been challenged emotionally. I've always been a very private person. I don't share my thoughts with just anyone. But in these moments of great despair the past 11 weeks, I have found that I will just share with anyone who is willing to listen. I've had to learn to be vulnerable. I've had to learn to know when to stop and listen to other's hurts. I've been challenged to seek after the Lord for my comfort and security - but to also let other people help. I've had to learn when it's ok to cry and grieve - and when it'd just be better to put up a wall.

Physically, I've really had trouble sleeping. I used to be able to sleep from the moment my head hit the pillow until the time my alarm went off. Not anymore. Most nights I toss and turn all night, hardly getting any sleep. For a couple of weeks, I would wake up each morning some time between 2:30 and 3 am. Or sometimes I will dream. The 4 weeks my dad was in the hospital and even the night he died, I slept wonderfully. No tossing and turning, no dreams, no waking up. It wasn't until 2 weeks after my dad's death did all this begin. I've been somewhat sleep deprived for the past 7 weeks....let's just say that it doesn't make for a happy girl!

Lastly, I've really been challenged socially. I've lost my dad. The one and only man in my life - the one I could trust to always love me, be there the moment I called, always think I'm beautiful, and be my protector. Socially, this all plays out by lowering my self-esteem and increasing my vulnerability. I've had to be careful with who I share my heart's cry with-I'm in a very vulnerable time in my life. Ultimately, I need to seek out my comfort and help from the Lord; but I also believe that God places people into our lives who can help us. I've had to learn to not take things personally, to realize that alot of others are more uncomfortable with my situation than I am and most of them have no idea how to act as they've never been in this situation. For 20 years of my life, I could not understand or relate to people when their parents or a close family member (other than a grandparent) died; I had sympathy, but didn't know the emotion to the full extent. I know now. And it's worse than what you can even imagine. But there's a growing period that comes with it.

These are just a few of the challenges I've had to face lately. Have you spent some time lately to think about the challenges currently in your life? What are they? Are you growing through them and drawing closer to God - or are you ignoring them and not learning a lesson?

The Gift of Music

Someone once said, "Music is what feelings sound like." And to be honest -- I think this person just may be correct!! Lately, I've really been ministered to through music - in particular, Christian music. This past year, I took a break from pretty much all music with the exception of worship songs. I tried to only listen to songs that worshipped God - for what He's done and who He is. I felt convicted that many worship songs are about "me", so I had to search to find good worship songs. I made myself turn off the radio, Windows Media Player, etc. in order to be able to try to listen to God more closely and talk with Him. I have to admit - when I first turned off the music, things were quiet....a little too quiet for my liking. But after the first week of keeping my radio off in my car, and using that time to pray or just sit in silence, I started to enjoy the quiet! And up until my dad was in the hospital, I had grown to love the silence during my morning commute to school. In fact, I loved it so much - that when I was with friends who constantly had their music playing, I started to feel overwhelmed. There was just so much noise going on in the background; I felt like I couldn't think or truly enjoy each other's company and conversation.

When my dad was in the hospital, my aunt and uncle would bring me home each night from the hospital. We would listen to the contemporary Christian radio station each night. Well....it seemed like each night, a song would play that would be just what I needed to hear. In the past two months, I have grown to love Christian music again. I still love worship music, but I've found myself being drawn to music during the day that helps lift my soul, that encourages me to hang on to Jesus, and that expresses my thoughts on my dad's death. I have such a greater appreciation for music now since I have taken my "music fast"--I believe God can use music to help strengthen us. Here are some of the songs that have really been ministering to me...

Finally Home by MercyMe: "I'm going wrap my arms around my daddy's neck, and tell him that I've missed him, and tell him all about the (wo)man that I became, and hope that it pleased him. There's so much I want to say, there's so much I want you to know. - When I finally make it home, when I finally make it home."

My Faith Looks Up to Thee hymn: "While life's dark maze I tread, and griefs around me spread, be Thou my guide; bid darkness turn to day, wipe sorrow's tears away, nor let me ever stray from thee aside."

Times by Tenth Avenue North: "I know I need You, I need to love You, I'd love to see You but it's been so long. I'd love to feel You, I feel this need for You, I need to hear You, is that so wrong?...But I hear You say, My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. The times you doubt me, and when you can't feel, the times that you question is this for real? The times that you're broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me, the times that you bend....The times that you're healing, and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace, the times that you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal, in times of confusion, in chaos and pain, I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame, I'm there there in your heart-ache, I'm there in the storm, My love I will keep you by my power alone, I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been, I'll never forsake you, my love never ends."

Thy Word by Amy Grant: "When I feel afraid and think I've lost my way, still You're there right beside me, nothing will I fear, as long as you are near, please be near me to the end."

Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North: "One tear in the driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain, could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?, One life, that's all I am, right now I can barely stand, if You're everything You say You are, would You come close and hold my heart?"

Jesus Calling by 33 Miles: "You see there's always another story, another side to every coin, but how you see your circumstance is all about a choice. When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain, hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in, you're blinded by the lightning. Do you also hear that still, small voice saying it's okay, you're not alone, you may be scared to death, but I won't let you go, you may think the sky is falling, but can you hear Jesus calling?"

All this to say....take some extra time to actually listen to the words of the songs that are playing on your radio. Hear the message of the songs - and let it speak to your heart. Don't let music play in the background just for "noise" so you don't have to listen to the thoughts that are rolling around in your mind. Take time to be still and silent; enjoy the quiet, but then let God speak to you through the wonderful gift of music.

Vulnerable...the Rejected Emotion

I had a life lesson this past week. The past two weeks have been really rough for me. I have found myself with tears streaming down my face often. Maybe a little too often. Last night, I was at my church for a session meeting – I am becoming a member of the church (finally), and had to meet before the session. Well, everything was going good, until I had to give the “right hand of fellowship” to about 8 men—the elders in the church. Now normally, this would not be a big deal. But I have hardly seen men my dad’s age for the past month, so just being in the presence of older men was a bit overwhelming. The new members all filed into a line and were going through shaking hands of the elders. I made it through the first few men, but was starting to get teary-eyed. By the time I got to a good friend of mine, who was near the end of the line, I just lost it. I broke down and bawled. This man just stood there and hugged me. Well, I was holding up the line and the other new members were watching….a bit awkward!! But my friend invited me to go to his house for a little bit to talk with him and his wife-and I jumped at the opportunity.

You see, I am hurting right now. And I want to let others help. I want to give someone a call when I’m sad and upset and just need to know someone is supporting me. I want to stop over at friends’ houses when I need someone to just hug me and tell me it’s ok to cry or to just be in the presence of someone who cares. I find myself not calling or not stopping over, because I don’t want to interrupt their plans or be “too needy”, etc – but I find myself needing to be with people who love and support me. But that requires vulnerability on my part. And that is an awfully hard thing for me to be right now.

I think most of us hate that word. Vulnerable. It just sounds so…scary – at least to me. I’ve had two conversations with different people this week about this issue. Most of us are so willing to help other people. To take time to listen to our friends when they are hurting and support them in some way. Yet, when our turn comes around to be the vulnerable one…it is so much harder. We don’t want to show our emotions, we don’t want to let others know how much we hurt or how scared we are. We are “supposed to be strong.” Well – I’m here to tell you – as Christians, it’s ok to not be strong and ask for help.

Last night I sat on a couch in between a very godly, older, and wise couple being comforted while I had a constant stream of tears running down my face for 2 hours. I was vulnerable. I shared what was on my heart. And I found peace-and extreme thankfulness.

So remember…be there for your friends, support others, find those who are broken and hurting around you. There are plenty of people who just need love and support. Keep your eyes open and let yourself love them with God’s love. But when it comes a time when you have a deep hurt…don’t be afraid to express yourself or show your “weakness”. Let others show you that same love that you once showed them in their time of pain. And I promise – you’ll be blessed by being open and vulnerable.

Galatians 6:2 – Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.