It's Ok, Baby Girl

Well...it's been quite a few weeks since I last wrote here, huh? I am finding that I am just constantly frustrated and upset and I figured that probably wouldn't be a very good time to write! Hence...there's been a lack of posts! But enough small talk...on to the real deal. :)

This past Friday, I was babysitting a family from church, Emily who is 5 years old and Joseph who is almost 2. Josepeh was taking a nap and Emily was doing a good job entertaining herself, so I decided to just sit back and listen to Emily play. You can learn so much about humans just by listening to a child. Anyways...so Emily was playing "house" with Barbie Doll things (not quite Barbie dolls....but little dolls like that). She had two dolls out...a "daughter" doll and a "Daddy" doll.

The daughter doll was in the toy house, while Emily had the father doll on the roof of the house. Kinda silly-and I wasn't really sure what exactly she was doing. But I listened closely to Emily making up the conversation between the father and the daughter doll (complete with the deep, manly voice for the dad and the fear in the daughter's voice). And it went like this...

Daddy doll - "Hold on, Sweetheart! I'm coming to get you!"
Daughter doll - "Daddy, be safe! Don't fall!"
Daddy doll - "It's ok, Baby Girl. I'm going to save my Baby Girl."
Daughter doll - "Daddy, I love you. Please don't get hurt."
Daddy doll - "Everything's going to be ok. Daddy won't let you get hurt. I'm coming to rescue you, my Baby Girl. "

Now as a daughter who just lost her daddy, hearing this conversation brought tears to my eyes. It reminded me that I don't have anyone on this earth who will call me his "Baby Girl". My daddy is gone from this earthly life....and hearing this converation just reminded me of the need for a father that all young girls have-the hole that is left in my heart. It's the way we were created...God placed a need in little girls to be loved and protected by their earthly father. And it's heartbreaking to see so many young girls who either don't have a dad or who are "emotionally" abandoned by their dads. I was blessed to have a great dad - no, he wasn't perfect. He was definitely all "man" in every sense of the word....didn't get real emotional or serious, no "I love you"'s or hugs....but he was always there for me the moment I needed him. His presence in my life was enough to know that I was loved by a father and would be protected as long as he was on this earth.

Secondly, after I got past the tears and sadness, this conversation that Emily made up reminded me that I do have someone who calls me "Baby Girl." I have my Abba - my Daddy - my Heavenly Father. He is looking down from heaven, seeing me in my pain and sorrow and hurt and is saying in his tender voice, "Everything's going to be ok. Daddy won't let you get hurt. I'm coming to rescue you, my Baby Girl."

And so...I'm going to believe that tender promise, hang on to my Rescuer, and trust my Abba to save me, not let me get hurt, and to restore my joy. It's going to be a lifelong adventure - but I think it's going to be one worth taking!

Best Friends Forever

Guess where I'm going tomorrow????? I get to go to Virginia to visit my beautiful, best friend Hannah. I am SO excited!

Hannah has been my best friend for 15 years -- since kindergarten!! She's been with me through thick and thin....being friendly when I was shy when I was younger, putting up with the awkwardness and insecurities during junior high, learning how to have a long-distance friendship during college, and now helping me grieve my father's death.

Have I mentioned how wonderful Hannah is? She drove all the way from New York - a 4 hour drive - just to spend one night with me the first weekend my dad was in the hospital. And this was all during finals week. And then she and her family drove up from Virginia - a 6 hour drive - for my dad's funeral....to be with me and my family for 2 hours. Not just anyone does that. She is such a wonderful friend.

We are so similar and yet so different. Since her family moved last year, I've missed her alot - and this summer has been a bit lonely, not having a friend to go to Forbush's with to get ice cream or to just randomly hang out. But I know that this is God's plan for her family's life - and this distance has shown me just how much I treasure her friendship. I know that often when we were around each other all the time, I took our friendship for granted. I've been so blessed to have Hannah in my life.

I can't wait to see her tomorrow - to see her new house, to get away from everything here, and to just be together for the weekend. I'm sure there will be lots of giggles, lots of immature moments, and lots of craziness!!! I can't wait! :)

Who is someone God has blessed you with that you often take for granted?

Challenges

"I'm going to wrap my arms around my daddy's neck and tell him how much I've missed him...when I finally make it home." (MercyMe) Some days I just miss my daddy...and today's one of those days. It's been 7 weeks sicne the Lord called him home....and a total of 11 weeks since Dad and I had our last conversation. I pressed some of the flowers that were in the arrangements at my dad's funeral - and tonight, I ventured down to try and and do something with them for the first time. Doing something with these pressed flowers sorta reminds of the finality of the situation. These flowers are real; they came from the funeral. So often I have trouble believing that the funeral even happened. That I stood next to casket with my dad's earthly body wrapped in it for over 6 hours, while greeting over 1000 people who came to offer their support and condolences.

While I was working with the pressed flowers, I was thinking how I have really been challenged the past 2.5 months. I've been challenged, the most, in my walk with God. I had never been closer to God than this past year before everything happened. He was my Best Friend, the One to whom my thoughts would wander to. It took alot of practice, but I had finally come to the point where I would talk to the Lord mulitple times throughout the day. When Dad had his reaction to the dye from the catherization and Mom called me to tell me I needed to get to the hospital ASAP and that Dad might not make it, I had just finished praying and reading Psalm 121. All I could do was groan and say, "No, Lord, no. I'm not ready to let go. I'm not ready." I repeated those words for over an hour while I paced the house, made phone calls urging people to pray, and waited for a ride to the hospital. The following morning, after pulling my first all-nighter in the hospital waiting room, I remember trying to pray...but all I could say was, "Lord, You know. Just work." I had no other words. The rest of the month and even after Dad's death - I could only pray with groans. There were no words. I was trusting Romans 8:26 where it says "we do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit Himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express." Since those moments of great despair, I've found that I'm back to where I was earlier this year...finding it difficult to communicate with God during the day. I've had a hard time hearing what He's speaking to me. He feels so far away, and yet I know that He is right here beside me, promising to never leave me. In some ways I have lost my trust in God - my belief in the power of prayer. It's been a challenge. And, although I can't say that I've conquered this mountain, I think I'm on my way back up. I'm dusting off my knees from falling down and am getting back on the journey.

I've also been challenged emotionally. I've always been a very private person. I don't share my thoughts with just anyone. But in these moments of great despair the past 11 weeks, I have found that I will just share with anyone who is willing to listen. I've had to learn to be vulnerable. I've had to learn to know when to stop and listen to other's hurts. I've been challenged to seek after the Lord for my comfort and security - but to also let other people help. I've had to learn when it's ok to cry and grieve - and when it'd just be better to put up a wall.

Physically, I've really had trouble sleeping. I used to be able to sleep from the moment my head hit the pillow until the time my alarm went off. Not anymore. Most nights I toss and turn all night, hardly getting any sleep. For a couple of weeks, I would wake up each morning some time between 2:30 and 3 am. Or sometimes I will dream. The 4 weeks my dad was in the hospital and even the night he died, I slept wonderfully. No tossing and turning, no dreams, no waking up. It wasn't until 2 weeks after my dad's death did all this begin. I've been somewhat sleep deprived for the past 7 weeks....let's just say that it doesn't make for a happy girl!

Lastly, I've really been challenged socially. I've lost my dad. The one and only man in my life - the one I could trust to always love me, be there the moment I called, always think I'm beautiful, and be my protector. Socially, this all plays out by lowering my self-esteem and increasing my vulnerability. I've had to be careful with who I share my heart's cry with-I'm in a very vulnerable time in my life. Ultimately, I need to seek out my comfort and help from the Lord; but I also believe that God places people into our lives who can help us. I've had to learn to not take things personally, to realize that alot of others are more uncomfortable with my situation than I am and most of them have no idea how to act as they've never been in this situation. For 20 years of my life, I could not understand or relate to people when their parents or a close family member (other than a grandparent) died; I had sympathy, but didn't know the emotion to the full extent. I know now. And it's worse than what you can even imagine. But there's a growing period that comes with it.

These are just a few of the challenges I've had to face lately. Have you spent some time lately to think about the challenges currently in your life? What are they? Are you growing through them and drawing closer to God - or are you ignoring them and not learning a lesson?

The Gift of Music

Someone once said, "Music is what feelings sound like." And to be honest -- I think this person just may be correct!! Lately, I've really been ministered to through music - in particular, Christian music. This past year, I took a break from pretty much all music with the exception of worship songs. I tried to only listen to songs that worshipped God - for what He's done and who He is. I felt convicted that many worship songs are about "me", so I had to search to find good worship songs. I made myself turn off the radio, Windows Media Player, etc. in order to be able to try to listen to God more closely and talk with Him. I have to admit - when I first turned off the music, things were quiet....a little too quiet for my liking. But after the first week of keeping my radio off in my car, and using that time to pray or just sit in silence, I started to enjoy the quiet! And up until my dad was in the hospital, I had grown to love the silence during my morning commute to school. In fact, I loved it so much - that when I was with friends who constantly had their music playing, I started to feel overwhelmed. There was just so much noise going on in the background; I felt like I couldn't think or truly enjoy each other's company and conversation.

When my dad was in the hospital, my aunt and uncle would bring me home each night from the hospital. We would listen to the contemporary Christian radio station each night. Well....it seemed like each night, a song would play that would be just what I needed to hear. In the past two months, I have grown to love Christian music again. I still love worship music, but I've found myself being drawn to music during the day that helps lift my soul, that encourages me to hang on to Jesus, and that expresses my thoughts on my dad's death. I have such a greater appreciation for music now since I have taken my "music fast"--I believe God can use music to help strengthen us. Here are some of the songs that have really been ministering to me...

Finally Home by MercyMe: "I'm going wrap my arms around my daddy's neck, and tell him that I've missed him, and tell him all about the (wo)man that I became, and hope that it pleased him. There's so much I want to say, there's so much I want you to know. - When I finally make it home, when I finally make it home."

My Faith Looks Up to Thee hymn: "While life's dark maze I tread, and griefs around me spread, be Thou my guide; bid darkness turn to day, wipe sorrow's tears away, nor let me ever stray from thee aside."

Times by Tenth Avenue North: "I know I need You, I need to love You, I'd love to see You but it's been so long. I'd love to feel You, I feel this need for You, I need to hear You, is that so wrong?...But I hear You say, My love is over, it's underneath, it's inside, it's in between. The times you doubt me, and when you can't feel, the times that you question is this for real? The times that you're broken, the times that you mend, the times you hate me, the times that you bend....The times that you're healing, and when your heart breaks, the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace, the times that you're hurting, the times that you heal, the times you go hungry and are tempted to steal, in times of confusion, in chaos and pain, I'm there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame, I'm there there in your heart-ache, I'm there in the storm, My love I will keep you by my power alone, I don't care where you've fallen or where you have been, I'll never forsake you, my love never ends."

Thy Word by Amy Grant: "When I feel afraid and think I've lost my way, still You're there right beside me, nothing will I fear, as long as you are near, please be near me to the end."

Hold My Heart by Tenth Avenue North: "One tear in the driving rain, one voice in a sea of pain, could the Maker of the stars hear the sound of my breaking heart?, One life, that's all I am, right now I can barely stand, if You're everything You say You are, would You come close and hold my heart?"

Jesus Calling by 33 Miles: "You see there's always another story, another side to every coin, but how you see your circumstance is all about a choice. When you see the rushing wind, feel the pouring rain, hear the thunder now as the clouds roll in, you're blinded by the lightning. Do you also hear that still, small voice saying it's okay, you're not alone, you may be scared to death, but I won't let you go, you may think the sky is falling, but can you hear Jesus calling?"

All this to say....take some extra time to actually listen to the words of the songs that are playing on your radio. Hear the message of the songs - and let it speak to your heart. Don't let music play in the background just for "noise" so you don't have to listen to the thoughts that are rolling around in your mind. Take time to be still and silent; enjoy the quiet, but then let God speak to you through the wonderful gift of music.

Vulnerable...the Rejected Emotion

I had a life lesson this past week. The past two weeks have been really rough for me. I have found myself with tears streaming down my face often. Maybe a little too often. Last night, I was at my church for a session meeting – I am becoming a member of the church (finally), and had to meet before the session. Well, everything was going good, until I had to give the “right hand of fellowship” to about 8 men—the elders in the church. Now normally, this would not be a big deal. But I have hardly seen men my dad’s age for the past month, so just being in the presence of older men was a bit overwhelming. The new members all filed into a line and were going through shaking hands of the elders. I made it through the first few men, but was starting to get teary-eyed. By the time I got to a good friend of mine, who was near the end of the line, I just lost it. I broke down and bawled. This man just stood there and hugged me. Well, I was holding up the line and the other new members were watching….a bit awkward!! But my friend invited me to go to his house for a little bit to talk with him and his wife-and I jumped at the opportunity.

You see, I am hurting right now. And I want to let others help. I want to give someone a call when I’m sad and upset and just need to know someone is supporting me. I want to stop over at friends’ houses when I need someone to just hug me and tell me it’s ok to cry or to just be in the presence of someone who cares. I find myself not calling or not stopping over, because I don’t want to interrupt their plans or be “too needy”, etc – but I find myself needing to be with people who love and support me. But that requires vulnerability on my part. And that is an awfully hard thing for me to be right now.

I think most of us hate that word. Vulnerable. It just sounds so…scary – at least to me. I’ve had two conversations with different people this week about this issue. Most of us are so willing to help other people. To take time to listen to our friends when they are hurting and support them in some way. Yet, when our turn comes around to be the vulnerable one…it is so much harder. We don’t want to show our emotions, we don’t want to let others know how much we hurt or how scared we are. We are “supposed to be strong.” Well – I’m here to tell you – as Christians, it’s ok to not be strong and ask for help.

Last night I sat on a couch in between a very godly, older, and wise couple being comforted while I had a constant stream of tears running down my face for 2 hours. I was vulnerable. I shared what was on my heart. And I found peace-and extreme thankfulness.

So remember…be there for your friends, support others, find those who are broken and hurting around you. There are plenty of people who just need love and support. Keep your eyes open and let yourself love them with God’s love. But when it comes a time when you have a deep hurt…don’t be afraid to express yourself or show your “weakness”. Let others show you that same love that you once showed them in their time of pain. And I promise – you’ll be blessed by being open and vulnerable.

Galatians 6:2 – Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.

The Last Frontier

This past March, I had the opportunity to go to Anchorage, Alaska on a mission trip over my spring break. When people find out I went to Alaska, they typically ask 2 questions: 1, “Why did you choose to fly all the way to Alaska for your first plane ride?” And secondly, “Why would you want to go someplace cold during spring break instead of somewhere warm?” Well, I’m not sure I really know the answers to either of those questions yet! While in Alaska, we worked with a soup kitchen. The Downtown Soup Kitchen is a Christian run, non-profit soup kitchen that makes 40 gallons of soup each day, 5 times a week. Most of the clients are Alaskan natives who are either homeless or just don’t have a lot of extra money for lunch. During our time there, we would eat lunch with the clients each day – a lunch consisting of soup, a sandwich –such as tuna, chicken, or ham salad – and some dessert. The Soup Kitchen doesn’t have enough places to eat inside, so they set up picnic tables outside to eat on. This meant we ate outside in 28 degree weather each day while we visited with the clients!

Our main project for the week was to completely redo the interior of a shower house the soup kitchen owns. The shower house is just a normal house that they bought to provide a shower to 5 clients 2 times a week. The clients also get their clothes washed for free; while they are waiting for their clothes to dry, the staff member prays with them and counsels them. When we got there, the walls were white and there were towels for curtains. We were given $1500 and 3 days to renovate the bland house into colorful one. We picked out all the paint and painted every room, bought new decorations, found another couch for free, and transformed the shower house into a place with cheerful, homey atmosphere. The staff members loved our work and couldn’t wait to show it off to the clients.

You can’t go on a mission trip and not be changed in at least one way. One thing that I gained from the trip was deeper friendships with my team members. I had several of my friends go on the trip with me, so it was fun to see them outside of the school atmosphere and spend time together. Secondly, I now have a greater sensitivity for the poor. I have never seen so many people looking so lost and hungry – physically and spiritually. Lastly, I have come to appreciate God’s creation so much more! Alaska is beautiful; you can’t go there and look at the mountains without seeing that there is a Creator. They are so majestic and the pictures that I took do not even come close to showing their splendor!

Obviously you do not have to go to Alaska to find homeless people who are in need of physical materials, love, and spiritual help. I challenge each of you to take some time out of your busy schedule to show love and concern for the poor right where you are. Show your children how to give by taking them to volunteer in a soup kitchen once a month or on holidays. Support the City Rescue Mission. There are many men and women out there who are so lost and hopeless. Don’t let your busy schedule keep you from sharing the hope that you have found.

A Father's Day Note (a day late)

It’s Father’s Day. The day you are to honor the men in your life. And today’s the first time in my life that I have no one to buy a card for. You know this day will come – when you won’t have a father, grandfather, or husband to honor…you just never think that it will be when you are in your early twenties. So…since there was no card to buy today, I thought I’d write a quick tribute/things I’ve learned in the past two months since watching my dad suffer in the hospital and then losing him.

My dad was a great man. In the letter I wrote for his funeral, I shared my thoughts on some of the things that made Dad “Dad”. I want to challenge all of you who are honoring your father today – enjoy those little annoying habits that he does now. I know when my dad was still on Earth, I would just roll my eyes at some of the silly quirks he did – how he could find the sweets wherever he went, pick up a conversation with just about anyone and leave my mom and I waiting for him, somehow manage to make annoying noises with his utensils while eating dinner just to be “annoying”, or repeat stories several times…a habit that drove me crazy! He would never remember that he told us, but Mom and I would just sit at the dinner table and joke about how his memory must be going-along with his hearing…..this could go on several days until finally he came up with a new story to tell. Now that he’s gone, I find that I miss some of the things I found annoying before. So the next time you find yourself rolling your eyes or getting annoyed with your parents over the little things, remember that they won’t be here on this earth forever. Treasure those moments.

I’ve had several life lessons learned since my dad has been in the hospital and then went home to be with the Lord. First, nothing will ever prepare you for the loss of one of your parents – no matter how old you are. Even though you know they won’t always be here for you on earth, somehow…you just aren’t prepared. But I think that is also true for any death – no matter who it is. Just remember to enjoy your time with them now – even if they can drive you crazy at times. Secondly, you will find out who truly cares about you when you go through a tragedy. Unfortunately, you can’t expect all of your friends to be there for you in the hard times – it’s in these moments where you find who are your true friends. But you can be a friend at all times (Proverbs 17:17) – be there to support your friend no matter what they are going through…and no matter “how stressed” you feel over the little things in life, such as homework, work, or relationships. I’ve also learned that many people are very uncomfortable talking about a tragic situation. If a friend is going through a tragic situation, I encourage you to address the situation – acknowledge it – when you see your friend. Don’t just ignore it-that hurts. But don’t talk about it for awhile, unless your friend keeps the conversation going – it can make things awkward. Sometimes it’s good to talk about the trial, but other times, the person going through the situation just want life to feel “normal”. Fourthly, it’s ok to show emotion. It’s ok as a Christian to let others know that you’re not ok, that your heart is breaking. Emotions are real – and can be very dangerous if not acted on appropriately. Run to your Father who is holding His arms out to you. I don’t know how unbelievers even get through tough situations - - I had/have a God who I can go to with my fears and tears, but I still felt lost; I can’t imagine the despair a nonbeliever feels. Lastly, our God is a God of promise. He has promised to be with us always – in our delight and in our despair, to answer when we call for Him, and to have a purpose for everything that happens in life. Don’t give up on Him. At times, He may be the only One who truly knows your heart, your thoughts, and your pain.

My amazing best friend of 15 years introduced me to the song “Always” by Building 429 – the chorus and last verse really spoke to me. I’m going to leave you with the lyrics - as my hope that you will find encouragement and truth in them – whether you are loving life or feel like your world is falling apart. Hold on. There’s hope. God never said that the journey would be easy, but He did say that the arrival would be worthwhile.

~~~
Friend, I don’t know where you are and I don’t know where you’ve been

Maybe you’re fighting for your life or just about to throw the towel in

But if you’re crying out for mercy, if there’s no hope left at all

If you’ve given everything you’ve got and you’re still about to fall

Well hold on, hold on, hold on, cause

I believe always, always

Our Savior never fails

Even when all hope is gone

God knows our pain and his promise remains

He will be with you always

~~~

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy! Hope you’re singing your heart out and bringing much joy to others up there! :) I love you!