His Love Never Fails

Have you ever had those days when you just question what's happening in this world?

I've been having those days recently.

About a week ago, I felt like the world was going right for everyone...except me. But, things were going good for me...I just wasn't content with life. I hated that people are moving into different stages of life. I hated that I am once again in the same place as I was last year at this time...not sure what I will be doing after June 6. I hated that I have to job search. I hated that I feel like all my friends are slowly moving away...either through physically moving or just moving into a new stage of life. I also will be leaving Riverside here in 6 weeks...and won't be seeing the people that I interacted with every day for the past year. I hated that it's coming up on the 3 year mark of my dad's heartattack here at the end of April...and then the 3 year mark of his death. And I hate that I still have so much pain from it. I also hate that I'm so busy with life right now and that I can't just stop and let myself breathe.

Those thoughts were all on my mind for about a week...until Saturday morning when I saw on Facebook that a high school peer had fallen from a 2 story balcony and was in critical condition in the ICU. And that was when my heart was completely ripped into two. Although I wasn't close friends with this kid, I did graduate with his brother and his mother was always so kind to me. I still remember going to her house at Christmas time after my dad died and sitting on the couch crying to her because I missed my dad. This family is one of the nicest families around and they shouldn't have to deal with this pain.

No one should have to deal with the pain of losing a loved one.

I was quickly overcome with anger and questions again. Questions like why dad my dad have to die when I was just 20? Why did Jason - this young kid with a full life ahead of him - have to die? Why so many young people from PCS have to experience a hard time and pass away? Why is there so much evil and suffering in this world? If God is truly for us, then why doesn't it seem like that? I've been filled with questions and emotions for the past few days.

When I heard Jason was in the critical care unit in ICU, I was immediately back at Allegheny General Hospital, sitting in the waiting room day after day after day... sitting there, waiting for each other when friends and family could go visit... only to still sit in the same spot because I refused to go visit him. I was filled with the intense pain and sadness of standing around my dad's bedside with friends and family while they sang songs and read Scripture as we took my dad off life support and he breathed his final breath. I remembered holding Dad's hand and burying my face in his arm on his bed because I couldn't stand to think that I had to say goodbye to my dad..that I had to let go of him, my source of security and protection, the one who shared my humor and stood up for me. I was reminded of my mom's broken heart for months and years after...of the tears I shed at each funeral I attended and each church service I sat through...of the 2 hour wait line of people who came to say their goodbyes at the funeral....of the meals and the cards that were sent...of the visits that were made and the emotions that came with the different people....of the support that was shown and the Facebook posts that were made.

Just two days before Jason's death, my mom was very sick with the stomach flu... and I was up late on a school night, cleaning up after her..in hallway by the bathroom. I was immediately brought back to a late night 3 years ago, when I came home from the hospital only to find my dog was dying and had accidents all throughout the house.... one of them, being in the same exact spot as where I was cleaning up that night. I was using the same cleaner and cleaning the same spot. It was a bit emotional. Just two days after my mom got sick, I was walking in the kitchen and thought "I need to make sure I don't spill Babe's water dish." It's been 3 years since I've had a dog and yet I still thought that.

Like I said... I don't understand the pain of this world. I don't understand the evil and the suffering and the death. I hate it all. I want it to go away. But as I've tried to search out answers this weekend and the past 3 years, I think I'm coming to the realization that faith is not about understanding, but rather trusting the heart of God. God is good. All the time...even when it's so hard to see it. I still have trouble seeing good out of my dad's death, but God is good. One of my favorite songs recently reminds me of that God's love is never going to fail me - no matter what is happening in life, God's love won't change for us.

So, be encouraged reader....God's love for you is not going to change. Even if you're experiencing the death of a loved one. Or a loss of job. Or a rebellious family member. Or a physical disease. Or a doubting faith. God's love for you will not change. His Son was pierced for you on the cross and that cannot be reversed. Praise Him for loving you and allow His love to hold you up even in the darkest times.

The wind is strong and the water's deep

But I'm not alone here in these open seas

Cause Your love never fails.

You stay the same through the ages, Your love never changes

There may be pain in the night but joy comes in the morning.

And when the oceans rage, I don't have to be afraid

Because I know that You love me, Your love never fails.

Steady My Heart

I am at a loss of words for the things going on in life right now. God is still good but there's been a lot of growing recently. But, there's been plenty of songs that have been the cry of my heart recently. So here they are.

"Steady My Heart" by Kari Jobes

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3vkdUJGaBqI&feature=youtu.be

"God Is Still God" by Heather Williams

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hcYDcLiiXmU

"Forever Reign"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JRBQtIEEkrU

Let Christ steady your heart in a world that is full of change, hurts, and messiness.

2012

Is it really 13 days into the 2012? Where has the time gone? I feel like it was just last week when I was sitting in front of the tv watching all the weird artists sing and dance in order to help the USA ring in the New Year.

life flies.

Especially when you're an adult. It's still so weird to say that...when did I grow up, have to leave my childhood ways behind (still working on that...), and work 40+ hours a week? When did alot of my friends start getting married and getting their "life" started, while I'm still searching for God's will for the next few months, let alone beginning a family? When did I get to the point where I'm realizing that it's now...or never?

I always thought that by the time I'd be an adult, I'd be content with who I am in God, I'd be more joyful, more in love with Him, more loving and caring, positive, not critical, emotionally stable, the best woman I could ever be. And yet....here I am .... an adult, yet still living in her childhood and teenage ways. It's a hard concept to swallow. I'm not who I want to be. I still have so many growing points in my life. But, maybe that's where God's grace comes in -- we will always be needing to grow in some area of our life. There will never be a time where we will be perfect until the day we stand in the glory of the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Our Maker. Our Savior. Our Redeemer and Rescuer. Our Perfecter.

So. 2012 is the year I will change. It is the year that I will make more of an effort to start living the things I want to become. Ever since my dad's death in 2009, it has really been a struggle to grow in God. It's been a struggle to love Him passionately and trust Him unconditionally - to trust Him to bring good into my life after so much pain. I have clung to person after person in an attempt to heal the hurt and pain from losing the man in my life who I loved most and who was most like me. And I have run from every pain by being involved in every "good, Christian" activity/area of service possible in order to push down the hurt. But it didn't work. And I have had no joy for the past 2.5 years. God brought me to an ultimate low point at the end of this past year. Despite having everything going for me, I was at a low that I hadn't been since my dad's death. January 1, I realized what was missing. I was clinging to people and centering my life around people instead of around God, the One who can truly hold my life together. I know I can't go on living my life like that....and so I choose to change.

I'm running to Your arms; I'm running to Your arms.

The riches of Your love will always be enough.

Nothing compares to Your embrace.

Light of the World, forever reign.

In 2012, I want to...

center my life around the Creator of the Universe and the Holder of my heart

laugh more

love more - both God and people

trust God with every area of my life

be more positive

show the love of Christ to my students

spark a flame in my students' hearts for helping those in need

start making changes NOW....for it is only today that we are guaranteed.

Oh no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm.

Oh no, You never let go, in every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go. Lord, You never let go of me.

Thank you, Lord, for never letting go of this wretch.

9 weeks.

9 weeks.

It's been 9 weeks since I started teaching. It's hard to believe that I have made it through. It has been 9 weeks full of blessing, challenges, laughter, tears, grumpy days, and moments of thankfulness. I have been so thankful for this position. I would not give it up for anything! There are plenty of days where I wonder if I will ever get through the day...but God brings me through it. I am truly going to miss my kiddos when the teacher returns.

9 weeks. Since my last day off.

9 weeks. Since I relaxed and did nothing for a whole day.

9 weeks. Since I sat still and read a book.

9 weeks. Since I could do whatever I wanted.

9 weeks. Since I took time to sit still before God.

9 weeks. Since I made phone calls to precious friends.

9 weeks. Of feeling the tension between being a Christian in a secular work environment.

9 weeks. Of pushing back my emotions for 8 hours during the day.

9 weeks. Of forgetting myself and serving 21 precious, yet needy children for 8 hours.

9 weeks. Of feeling the awkward transition between college and career.

9 weeks. Of writing lesson plan after lesson plan after lesson plan.

9 weeks. Of being mentally "on" for 8 hours. Try it sometime; it's exhausting.

I have loved teaching. I've loved the children. I love my class. I love my challenging students. I love the school and the teachers I work with.

But the one thing I don't love is that lack of time to spend with God. I've been feeling frustrated lately. When I was college, I had so much more free time. I thought I was busy, but compared to this, I had some spare time to relax. I was able to read my Bible more, pray, read spiritual growth books, and serve others more. Now, I hardly have time to do anything but my short 30 minute devotions each day. I want to be consumed with Christ, I want to be serving others, I want to be praising Him all day. But I physically can't due to my job demands. I'm learning that your spiritual walk is going to look different based upon what season of life you're in. And that's something I have to come to accept. I can be just as close to God but it may look different. I may not be able to read my Bible as much as I want or be serving others in the most tangible way -- but I can be praying throughout the day and serving my kiddos each day and try to share Christ's light with them.

I pray that I will never lose passion for Christ and His work -- I pray he will give it back to me in a greater way that I've ever experience - and I pray I will always follow His will.

I'm still in the limbo season of life where I don't have a clue what the future holds -- and that doesn't work too well for someone who likes to plan 5 years from now. :) I'm learning to trust God and to live in the moment -- not 5 years from now.

Here's a few pictures of my lovely pumpkin carving experience -- something I haven't done since I was a young child. I just had to include a picture of my "big brother" Steve on here... :)

Give Thanks!

When was the last time you said "Thank You" to God?

As I was exercising yesterday, the song "Thank You" by 33 Miles came on the tv. As I listened to the lyrics that I have heard plenty of times, I wondered to myself, "When was the last time I thanked God for the small things?" It's been awhile, honestly.

With my graduation from college in May, it has been quite the emotional summer. I have had interviews but no success. My summer has been full of worry and anxiety about my future. Do I teach in a public school? Private? Cyber School? Overseas? Do I pursue missions work? Do I wait a year and then go overseas? Should I find random work until the teaching market is better? I honestly do not know where God is calling me right now. It's been 3 months of intense searching but still have not a clue of what my future (as in where I will be even 3 weeks from today) looks like!

However - while I was on my mission trip to Ukraine this July, I realized that I have to put my trust in God and let go of my past because He has a beautiful and wonderful future for me. Part of this means that my calling is to live a completely surrendered and abandoned, poured out life for Him where He receives the glory for everything I do. But this also means that I want to develop a spirit of thankfulness in my life.

I've recently started a "Gratitude Journal" to record the small miracles that God works each day in my life. It sure has helped me to become more joyful and thankful for all that God does for me - even while I'm facing a very unknown future and anxious days that come with a transition.

Today, I'm thankful for...

- a good back to read

- the beautiful sunshine

- the cool breeze that gave relief from the heat

- a day to relax

- the opportunity to travel around the world and spread God's love

- amazing friends - from elementary school to those I just met last month

- a mother who is a wonderful cook

- a nice cup of coffee from time to time

- the peace that God will provide a job in His time

- God's faithfulness and provision

So - let me ask you again -- when was the last time you thanked God?

Thank You for everything,

Thank You for loving me,

It don't even matter what tomorrow brings,

Well I will sing,

Thank You for the sun and rain,

For what You give and take away,

For all Your goodness I will always say,

Thank You.

~33 Miles..."Thank You"~

Is Your Soul Happy?

When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing you think of? Is it that you don't want to wake up, or of the pressing work that needs to be done for the day? Do you think of what you have to do that day or do you think of your Savior?

I stumbled upon a quote tonight that encouraged me of what needs to be my first priority in the morning.

The first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day

is to have my soul happy in the Lord.

– George Mueller

Does this ring true in your life? Do you make sure your soul is happy in the Lord as soon as you wake up? Although I do do my devotions each morning first thing, I tend to be tired and sometimes stumble my way through them. But - am I making my soul happy in the Lord? It is the first great and primary thing that needs to happen - every day, every where, under every circumstance....make your soul happy in Jesus.

Recently I have been pouring my heart into listening to God, praying more, grasping for truth, and searching for His will. It has been an incredible rocky yet rewarding time. Satan is definitely trying to hold me back, but God continues to pull through each time. As I have rediscovered this love relationship with Him, I have seen that the rest of my day will be fine if I just make my soul happy in the Lord first. Things may happen that may go wrong, but it doesn't matter - because I know "the One I've trusted in can take care of what He's trusted me to do right until the end." (2 Timothy 1:12)

So - what about you -- are you making your soul happy in the Lord first thing in the morning? Is that your primary business for the day?

P.S. -- Can't believe I can finally say this...but I am a college graduate! :) It was bittersweet...but I know that God is going to continue to guide me throughout this crazy adventure I am on! Here's a picture with me and Dr. Jesky-Smith -- one of my professors who truly challenged her students, yet showed me personally how much she cared! A big thanks to all who have supported me through the years - and to Geneva for showing their care and concern, especially when my father passed away. It was a great 4 years - but the time has come. Goodbye Geneva, Hello Adult World!

Living in the Moment

It's been a long hiatus, but I figured it was time for another post.

It's been one of those nights....a night of pondering, questioning, and praying. One thing I was reminded of tonight was that you can't turn back time. No matter how much you try, you can't keep living in the past. You have to move forward. So many try to stay stuck in the past...and I'm sure I have tried to do so. But if you want to grow, you have to be living in the present. Living in the moment.

That's what I'm learning. Learn to live in the moment. Sure, you need to plan ahead for the future, but there are so many little moments that will slip you by if you are too carefully planned or focused on the future. (Something I am guilty of way too often.) Learn to see the little things in life that can bring joy.

Today things that brought me joy were....

- the feeling you get after you exercise

- talking to an old friend after 3 months of silence

- praying with others in the midst of their heartache

- listening to someone talk about their life as a missionary

- remembering my time in Rome and Florence and the beautiful scenery

- feeling rain drops fall on my face

- a banana chocolate milkshake

- hearing about receiving a tax credit

- being reminded that today, Good Friday, Christ bore my sins so that God's wrath was satisfied

It's been an interesting few months...but it's time to start living in the moment again. Seeing the joy in the everyday miracles... Matthew West's song pretty much sums it up for me.... "I don't want to go through the motions, I don't want to go one more day, without Your all consuming passion inside of me." Will you join me in living in the moment?

Lastly, this weekend is Easter. I was talking with a friend of mine today how Jesus' death has never really felt "real" to me...never felt like it was that big of a deal. Yes, I know it was. It was a huge deal....unfortunately, because I've been exposed to the story since I was born, it has just become second-nature to me...and I've become immuned to the freshness of His grace and love. So..my prayer for this Easter season is that I will be able to see Christ's death in a new way; a real and fresh way that reminds me of His amazing, unconditional love for me as He took the lashes and bruises, the nails and jeerings for me...His rebellious, unloving, undeserving child.

"In Christ alone, who took on flesh,

Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save.

Til on the cross, as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ, I live.

There in the ground, His body lay,

Light of the world by darkness slain,

Then bursting forth in glorious Day,

Up from the grave He arose again.

And as He stands in victory,

Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me.

For I am His and He is mine,

Bought with the precious blood of Christ."

Praise the Lord -- I have a Savior who stands in victory, I am free as sin can not control me. No power of hell or scheme of man will ever be able to pluck me from His hand. In the power of Christ I stand. Do you?

Just call me Betty Crocker!

Today, I made my very first pie -- all by myself! And if I can say so, I thought it was excellent!

So here's my pie... made with fresh peaches!

(And not only did I do that, but I also grilled barbeque chicken for dinner for the first time! Pretty yummy also! Checking off 2 items on my domestic goals list!) :)

Closure

You'd think after a year and two months that telemarkerts would stop calling asking for Jeffrey Roe. Yet..the phone calls keep coming. I just had to explain to two telemarketers in the past 24 hours that "I'm sorry, but he has passed away" to which they quickly act embarressed and continually tell me how sorry they are. You'd think there'd be some sort of closure there after 14 months.

And, yet, I'm not sure if there's alot of closure for me - or if there ever will be. He was my dad...as one of my current favorite songs states "he is half of the reason I was born in that November rain". He's half of who I am. I will always carry him in my heart - through his words of wisdom while he was here, the way he raised me, his sense of humor and sweet tooth that he passed on to me, and the security and confidence that he helped boost in me. And because of that, I think it's ok to not have closure.

It seems that as I go through different seasons in life, different songs seem to speak to me and almost be the theme of my life for that time. So here's a few of the current ones....

Live Like You're Loved by Mark Schultz:

"Live like you're loved by the Lord up above, spread out your wings and never give up."

---

Fight Another Day by Addison Road:

Will you spend a lifetime running? Cause you can spend a lifetime running.

And do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?

Are you living every day like it's the last you got?

Even when your heart's been broken,

He'll be there with arms wide open.

----

He Would Tell You by Jonny Diaz:

He would tell you he loves you and he's so proud of the woman once his little girl,

You look just like your mother when she was your age and there's nothing that's more beautiful,

He would say that he's near and that he promise he hears when you speak to him late in the night

And it hurts him so bad to look down when you're sad and know you are the reason he cries

He can't quite promise you when, but he knows that he'll hold you again,

But until that time, keep your eyes on the sky,

and go change the world you're in.

---

You are God Alone by Phillips, Craig, and Dean:

And right now, in the good times and bad,

You are on throne, You are God alone.

---

Our God by Chris Tomlin:

Our God is greater, our God is stronger,

God you are higher than any other...

And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us?

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Be blessed my friend. God's got it all under control...including when (and if) closure - for every aspect of our life - will happen. It's time to change the world by shining His light. Go live like you're loved - for you truly are!

The Dark Before the Morning

X marks the spot.... on the calendar....

Today, May 27, 2010, marks the one year anniversary of my dad's death. It is so strange to say that - still! So hard to believe that it's been one year without my dad. How could I have possibly gone through a whole year without him - and still survived? How could I have not talked to him in one year, heard his voice in over a year, or seen him?

On the other hand, I am 21 years old! I'm technically an adult, I should be able to surive without a dad. Oh, it is absolutely crazy what grief can do to you! It is a funny thing... sometimes I wonder if I've really been through all that's happened this past year. Not just with my dad's death, but the things that have happened as a result of his death. But looking back - I wouldn't be where I am in life right now if not for this event that rocked the Roe family structure.

Do you know pain? Do you know sorrow? Do you know brokenness?

I believe we all do - or all will at one point in life. Whether it's the death of a loved one, a broken relationship, a terrifying illness, or facing the unknown, we will all face some kind of pain in our life. So what are you going to do with it? Will you run to drugs and alcohol to run from the pain? Or maybe you will throw yourself into a relationship in an attempt to fill the hole in your heart? Will you became angry and bitter towards God, family, or even yourself for having to go through it? Or will you run wholeheartedly to God, your Sustainer and Healer?

It's a choice. It's your choice. God isn't going to force you to cling to Him. It's up to us.

Will you focus on your pain? Or will you choose to believe that what you're going through is just preparing you for the joy that will soon come? Let me leave you with a song that has been so encouraging to me the past few months. It's called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. I feel that the lyrics are so powerful and can speak to every heart.

~ - ~

Do you wonder why you have to

feel the things that hurt you?

If there's a God who loves you,

Where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening,

To bring a better ending

Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe,

That you still have a reason to sing?

Cause the pain that you've been feling,

Can't compare to the joy that's coming.

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light,

Press on and just fight the good fight.

Cause the pain that you've been feeling,

It's just the dark before the morning.

~-~

Press on friends. Whatever pain you may be feeling...it's just the dark before the morning, the hurt before the healing. You still have a reason to sing - God is in control; He loves you outrageously; and He's calling you to Him no matter where you are in life. Are you answering His call?

(And if you're going through a rough time, let me know...I would love to pray for you. I now know that the intercessory prayers of others were what got me through some of my roughest moments. God provides blessings in the midst of pain!)

Hold my Hand, Father

As I type this, I am sitting by my window listening to the rain fall steadily outside. I never used to like rain - but I think I'm starting to have a change of heart. I enjoy listening to it if it's at night...if it's a spring or summer rain, where normally everything is pretty and sunny and then all of a sudden...you have a burst of rain. I think it shows kinda what life is. Life can be pretty, it can be sunny and happy; and in just a second, life can start pouring down the rain. It's inenvitable. What are you going to do about it? I'm finding that you have a choice. Crap is going to happen to all of us at one point of time or another - will you choose joy or will you choose bitterness when it comes to your attitude when dealing with it? It's all up to you.

Lately, I've been wishing God could be here in physical form with me. I know He's with me every single moment - but sometimes I wish He could just magically appear so I could see Him. I need Him to hold my hand, to guide me and show me His will for my life. I need to know that I'm not doing all this alone and that He's going to be the One to get me through...to pull me out of this dark tunnel and into the Light. I just need to know that I'm not alone.

"never will i leave you, never will i forsake you." - hebrews 13:5

When will I learn? God's not leaving me. He knows the crap in my life, sees my yucky moods, and still loves me the same. How awesome of a God do we serve?

Good ol' Bible school songs sure teach kids the truths of life. Last summer, I heard the little kids in my church sing this song at their closing program - and it brought tears to my eyes. Because I needed - and still need - to know that I will never be alone.

As we travel the trail of life,

We're never alone,

Never out of Your sight

We know that You'll see us through

Casue you always do

You hold our hand tight

As we travel the trail of life.

Grab your Savior's hand tonight -- He's holding it out to you. Will you grasp it or push it away?

You Are So Good To Me; You Heal My Broken Heart

Life's been interesting lately. Lots of changes, lots of pain, lots of joy. It's been so crazy.

2 weeks ago, I was in the Dominican Republic for a week. It was exactly what I needed. I went on a mission trip with an organization outside of Geneva....meaning I only knew one person on my team. That was exactly what I needed. I needed to be away from everyone who knew my pain and who knew my situation. I didn't have cell phone or internet. That was exactly what I needed. We were there to serve and to get closer to God....I helped out with Vacation Bible School with the children in Haitian villages. These kids only receive one a meal or one meal every two days. They live in shacks that are smaller than my bedroom and some run around naked. And yet...all these kids want are for you to hug them, hold them, and give them a piggy back ride. It was so humbling to look at them and see their need - a need to just be loved. That was exactly what I needed. So many of them would come up to you and ask for your shoes. They would show their shoes to you...and they literally had holes in the bottom of the soles where their heels hit. At the end of the week, I gave two pairs of my shoes and some other items to two boys. That was exactly what I needed. These kids' need for love reminded me of God's love and His presence. He showed up; He's still here and still in control of my life. He is good and He cares so deeply about me. That was exactly what I needed. It was such a good trip....not the typical mission trip I would have gone on, but it was just the thing I needed for this time in my life. God is good!

Today marks the 10 month anniversary of my dad's death. It's so weird to think it's been that long. In some ways, it seems like it was forever ago, and other times it seems like it was just last week. We're in the double digits...that's kinda scary, because it means we are getting close to the year anniversary. I still miss him so much; he was such a good dad to me, despite our disagreements. He provided so much love and security. But, I've found that I'm healing. The Dominican trip really helped me to lean on God, because He was truly the only One I had. I've coming around...feeling God's joy again and trusting Him.

Do you ever have those times when you are just so incredibly confused about life? That's where I'm at right now. I just don't know what God's Will is in so many areas of my life. I know He will guide and provide open and closed doors. How do you know what God's will is? How do you know when something is from Him? Life is confusing. And that leads to fear. I found that I'm fearful of some things these days. Why is it that when life starts to get confusing, you start to get anxious and fear? I think it's becasue we want control...we want to just know the future and not wait on God's timing. However, God's the One who knows all things, and He will not reveal His will to you a minute too early or a minute to late. It all comes down to giving your fears over to Him and trusting Him to provide at the right moment. Praise Him for his incredible and perfect timing!

"You are the One who controls all time, can I bring you all of my fears tonight?" - Jonny Diaz

Take your fears to Jesus; He's got it all under control.

Lots of Random

A couple random thoughts....

First. I MISS ALASKA. I want to go back! I was just watching a video advertising a cruise with Mark Schultz to Alaska..... one of my favorite singers and my favorite place! Couldn't get better. For me, Alaska was just a place of peace, serenity, and quiet. The wilderness took me out of the "normal" and gave me a place to just relax and restore my relationship with God. Ahh....I so wish I could go back and escape the craziness of my life.

Second. Mark Schultz is one of my favorite artists. Lately, I've had three songs stuck in my head. The first is "Live Like You're Loved" by Mark Schultz. It just reminds us to live like we are loved, no matter what we feel like that day, to chase your dreams and never give up. Because, ultimately, we are loved. Even if our parents abandon us, you're fighting with your significant other, or you're just having a really crappy day....we still have a God who loves us. One of the verses in this song really hit me hard the past few weeks. It's about an 18 year old girl who is packing up and moving away for the first time. The second verse says, "Some days are fair, but some days she barely gets by. But when she feels alone, she picks up the phone just to hear her daddy's voice. He says "I tell the whole world I'm proud of you girl"." Oh....for some reason, lately I've really missed knowing that my dad is proud of me. And I just need to know that my dad is proud of me...but there's no way for him to tell me that now. It's funny how you can take so much for granted.

Third. I really enjoy Matthew West's songs. His newest song, "Save a Place for Me" has been on the radio alot lately.....thus staying in my head. The lyrics really just explain my thoughts..... "Don't be mad if I cry, it just hurts so bad sometimes. Cause everyday it's sinking in and I have to say goodbye all over again....save a place for me, save a place for me, I'll be there soon.....I have asked the question why but I guess the answer's for another time, so instead I'll pray with every tear, and be thankful for the time I had you here." ...... ah, so readers, don't be mad if I cry. Sometimes I need to. The pain can just be so overwhelming at times. I miss my dad, the love he gave me, his protection, his jokes, and his security.

Fourthy. All this snow (2 feet) is ridiculous!! I hate being snowed in. :( If it didn't keep me from doing the things I normally would be doing, I'd be ok with it.... but it keeps changing my plans, making for an unhappy Aimee!

Lastly. I've noticed lately just how unworthy I am to even have a relationship with God...and yet how amazing His grace is. "I know I'm weak, I know I'm unworthy to call upon Your name. But because of Your grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed." How amazing is our God, who sees us standing in our sin and brokeness, and yet chooses to see us as pure and clean in His sight. Our God indescribable!

Goodbye 2009!

Two thousand and nine. What a year! It was filled with a lot of learning experiences, but also some fun. To be honest though, it was the worst year of my life so far---and I couldn't be more excited to say goodbye to 2009 and hello to 2010!

It all started last January when my grandma had to have emergency surgery and wasn't doing very well at all. After being in the hospital for 3 weeks, she finally came home. During this time, I was in my first car wreck...did a 360 across both lanes of traffic and hit a guardrail with my front bumper. So scary, but God was good. My dad happened to be off work, because he had broken his wrist, so he was just 15 minutes away and came to my rescue! I didn't get hurt at all - just shaken up, although my car was in rough shape, and the policeman didn't even publish my name in the newspaper when he wrote up the report! :)

Two weeks later, I conquered another fear - I got baptized! I knew I needed to be baptized, but was always afraid because I don't like the thought of having someone push me underwater. Well...February 15, I grabbed the bull by the horns and got baptized! 3 weeks after this, I conquered yet my 3rd fear for the year....I flew on a plane for the first time! I was terrified...but it wasn't bad at all! I flew to Alaska -- 8 hours on a plane. I LOVED Alaska! So beautiful, calm, and refreshing. I have to go back at least once in my lifetime!

And then 6 weeks after my adventure to Alaska, my parents bought me a piano! I was so excited--and just love it to pieces! It still needs a little work....needs tuned and such -- but I LOVE playing it. It just gives my brain some time to relax and not have to think too much.

That same day proved to be the start of a very long month--and the worst time in my life. God decided that my dad's time on Earth was complete and that it was time to take him home on May 27. Those four weeks plus the weeks around the funeral were just horrendous. Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a parent unexpectedly.

After Dad's death, the rest of the year was sorta just a blur. Working through my grief, struggling with the death of a few other friends, it was all just a mess. But - God is still good. I can't say that I've really enjoyed the past 7 months....yes, there were some times where I enjoyed myself, but in general....it was a struggle every day to get up, to feel loved, to feel God's presence, and to not be discouraged. I never knew that there could be this much pain in the world. In the midst of these trials, however, God has shown me His love. He has spoken to me - mostly through the Old Testament during this - and has reminded me that the battles in this world are not own own. They're His. He's working to bring good.

Talking about battles.....this fall, I learned how to shoot a gun and a bow! I was so excited and I loved both experiences! I can't say I'm too good, but it was so much fun!

Like I said, God has brought good through my year of trials. He has blessed me with so many wonderful friends! This summer, I went to Virginia to visit my best friend! Oh, Hannah is so good to me - and it was really nice to see her new house and just spend a few days catching up. Now that we're in college and her family has moved, we only see each other about 3-4 times a year. But --- she is definitely a friend of the heart; we've been through so much together. 16 years is a long time to be close friends! Despite the distance, she still remains one of my closest friends. I am so grateful to have an amazing friend!!

My friends at Geneva have also been wonderful. They were so patient with me-especially the past few weeks. They listened to me vent about so many issues for hours on end -- probably when they had stuff they wanted to talk about too. I've been blessed! They are good to me! And God has been so good to provide me with fatherly figures who love me. Words can't even begin to express my gratitude. There are so many of them and they are all just so wonderful! God has blessed me with godly men and women - from all areas of my life - who have cared for me, sat with me through my tears, and loved me. I am incredibly thankful for all of them.

Like I said -- 2009 was by far the hardest year in my life. I am so ready for a new year! Although I know trials can help you grow, I'm ready for some fun times! :) 2010 seems to be holding a trip to the Dominican Republic and Ukraine, student teacher (ahh!!), the start of my senior year of college, and hopefully - growing more like my Maker. I'm looking forward to seeing what all 2010 will bring!

Desperate for my Abba

Wow...I'm learning something through the past few months..... your emotions can change in an instant!!! And, honestly, I hate it! I want to be able to regulate my emotions, yet I don't feel like I am capable of doing that right now. I really don't like it.

You know what else? I'm finding that I have a pretty rotten attitude lately. I could find the positive; but sometimes it's hard and it takes too much work....and i don't want to. But this is a goal for this week....to find something positive each day.

And lately, I've really seen my mean sinful nature come up. At times I wish I swore just so that I could show the intensity of my emotions. And yet -- I know that a swear word really doesn't show the intensity of it....but I feel like it does right now. And I really wish that I could just scream any 4-letter word, just to get the emotion out. You might be wondering if this is really "Aimee" writing this...but it is! It's just been a pretty bad 3 weeks.

I'm desperate for alone time. I'm desperate for someone to understand. I'm desperate for a male authority figure-one that is in charge of me 24/7 who I can fight with when I don't want to do what he tells me to do. I'm desperate for love. I'm desperate for someone to not be afraid of my tears and just let me cry and stay with them until everything's cleared up. I'm desperate for acceptance. I'm desperate for a family. I'm desperate for my dad.

And....yet - I think these all point to the one thing I really am desperate for --- my Abba (my Daddy) Who is an authority figure, Who understands, Who accepts me, Who knows each of my tears and wipes them away gently, Who has a plan and will be with me until life starts to look up, Who is my family, Who loves me so much more wholely, completely, and perfectly than any human could ever love me. He wants to be/do all of this for me. And He wants to do it for you too.

Trust your Abba. Our God is in control. Be at peace, my soul.

Beauty Will Rise

Whew.

The past few weeks have been rough. I think they may have even been worse than the week my dad died. Things have just been....not so good. I've found that I really miss my dad. I mean, really, really. I didn't think this kinda of ache and pain was possible. I just want to run up to him and wrap my arms around his neck and give him a HUGE hug. This isn't typical of our relationship -- I think that shows how much I miss him. I want him to be here to fix my car; I've been having some issues with it. I want him here to joke around with me. I want him here to protect me. I want him here to be the authority in the house. I want him here for Christmas and my mom's and his 30th wedding anniversary (which is tomorrow). I want him here so I know that I am loved. There's lots of other issues going on too....but those are better left unsaid. Just say lots of prayers for us if you think about it.

One of my friends got me Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD -- and I've been listening to it nonstop for the past 2 weeks. All these songs were written out of his experience with losing his youngest daughter in a car accident. Almost every song on that CD has ministered to me - for his thoughts are all my thoughts. And it's just so nice to see that I'm not the only one who's feeling this pain. So....just for some random lyrics from the new CD that pretty much sum up the thoughts I've been having lately....

"This is not how it should be, This is not how it could be, But this is how it is, and our God is in control." ("Our God is in Control")

"Who are You God? Cuase You are turning out to be so much different that I imagined, and where are You God? Cause I am finding life to be so much harder than I had planned. You know that I'm afraid to ask these queswtions, but You know they are there, and if You know my heart the way that I believe You do, You know that I believe in You, But still I have these questions." ("Questions")

"Whatever road this life takes you down, Jesuse will meet You there. He knows the way to where you are, He knows the way to the depths ofyour heart, He knows the way cuase He's already been where you're going, Jesus will meet you there." ("Jesus Will Meet You There")


"I don't even want to breathe right now, All I want to do is close my eyes, And I dont want to open them again, Til I'm standing on the other side, I dont even want to be right now, I dont want to think another thought, And I dont want to feel this pain I feel, but right now pain is all I've got....Trust You God, I will, Even when i don't understand, Even then I will say again, You are my God and I will trust You." ("I Will Trust You")

And lastly....probably the song that has hit me the hardest.... "Beauty Will Rise."

"It was the day the world went wrong, I screamed till my voice was gone, And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down, Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains, And sift through the ashes that are left behind, But buried deep beneath, All our broken dreams we have this hope -- Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise. And we will dance amoung the ruins, We will see it with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise, For we know joy is coming in the morning, in the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down, And if you can't believe, I will believe for you."

Ahhh... my thoughts. So much pain and hurt lately. So many tears. So much sadness. And in the midst of it, I found out how thankful I am for the people placed in my life. And for a God who promises to hold my life together, even if I feel like I can't. Because I can't -- He alone has control. And I'm thankful for people who love me enough to sit with me through my tears.

Beauty will rise. Joy is coming in the morning -- the night just seems so long. But morning is coming and then, we will see His beauty. Pray for patience. I want that morning to be here sooo soon. This reminds me of something I told my girls in my Bible Study last night.... The pearl - a beautiful piece of jewelry is made out of much pain, from sand rubbing up against it inside the oyster shell. One day, I hope I will be able to look back and say that I am a beautiful pearl that was only made beautiful by the pain in my life that caused me to grow.

Lord, come quickly.

The Last Gift - and 21!

God has truly blessed me.

Today, I was overcome with thankfulness for the men God has placed in my life. In the past 6 months, God has brought several men to me who have stepped up and taken the role of a father in my life. They each play a specific role that my dad played - one asks me about my car every time he sees me, another is like a grandfather who gives me a hug and kiss each week, another jokes around with me and gives me a hard time every Sunday, and one reminds me of my dad in so many ways-he is sarcastic with me, yet can also be serious, just like my dad. I am so thankful. God has provided - despite the hardship. I guess I was overcome with thankfulness, because I saw some of these men step up this week. Yesterday was my 21st birthday! Sunday evening, I was able to spend 2 hours with one of these fatherly figures. I needed that; I was feeling sad and missing my dad. Just being at this house brought comfort. Yesterday, on my birthday, one of these men called my cell phone and sang happy birthday to me. I had received many birthday wishes, but I was desiring to hear it from someone my dad's age....and it came. Just what I needed! And, lastly, today I checked my mailbox to find a card from another fatherly figure! The fact that he and his wife both wrote a personal note inside (and I also found a check!) made my day! I'm not sure I could have better men in my life to help play the role that my dad played.

Despite the wonderful men who have taken on extra responsibility for me, I still do miss my dad. Nobody's ever going to replace him - and I know that these men understand that. But I still wish that Dad could have been here on my birthday. My 21st. A big one. The one that is supposed to push you out of childhood and into adulthood - or something like that. It was a pretty good day, but I sure did wish my dad could have been here with me.

(Throwing up the 2-1 with my piano...my dad's last gift to me)

The day of my dad's heart attack, I bought a piano! Or rather..my dad bought a piano for me. That Sunday, the piano was delivered and I was enjoying it to pieces! My dad was so determined to get this piano the week before, that we were actually arguing over it. He was upset that I was e-mailing the seller rather than calling him on the phone about when to deliver it. Finally, I just gave the number to my dad and had his contact the seller. Dad did everything possible to get this piano as soon as he could. Maybe he knew he didn't have much time left?? Well, anyway, the piano was delivered the same day he had a heart attack and went to the hospital. I was supposed to pay for half of the piano, but Dad ended up paying for the whole thing. I consider it my last gift from him. And...since it came just 7 months before my 21st, yesterday, I considered my piano to be my 21st birthday gift from my dad. I love my piano - love sitting down to just play and let my mind not have to think for awhile. It's one of my favorite gifts....and it could be because it was my dad's last gift to me. It is so precious to me and I wish my dad was here to see how much I play it.

My birthday was bittersweet. Growing up. Missing my dad. Yet being so blessed by how God has provided. God is good all the time. He works in mysterious ways. I can never thank the father figures in my life enough; they have provided so much love and security and protection, even though they truly didn't have to. My dad picked some great men to develop friendships with-men who would go to unneccesary lengths just to love their friend's daughter because they knew she was her daddy's girl. I am forever in debt.

Stress

Stress. A word everyone hates. I got to thinking this week....and I realized that we, as humans, like to stress over alot of really dumb things. And it irked me, because there are so many more important things in this world that should be our priority.

This past week....either at school, my house, church, or anywhere else I was, I heard people say they were stressed over the following things:

• homework


• all the leaves that needed raked


• work/job


• all the meetings they had


• all the things they had to get done while they're at work


• cleaning the house/room


• their commute to work/school


• not exercising - but needing to


• health issues


• registering for classes/finishing school on time


• finances


• getting a Halloween costume (either for themself or their kids)


• how tired they are


• how they just couldn't find time to go to Walmart but needed to

And while this list is not the full list...it does give an idea of the things people are worried about these days. Take a look at the list -- ultimately, when it comes down to it -- who is the main "character" in each of those? The speaker. The speaker is the one who is receiving - it's all about "me" -- "I am exhausted", "I need to finsh school in 4 years!", "I have so much work to do to get a good grade", "I don't have enough money." Can we be any more "me"-centered?

Have you ever thought about the children in this world who sleep in the streets each night because they don't have a mom or dad who love them, or the scared little 12 year old girl who was sold into prostitution, or the teenage mother who is trying to keep her baby alive by digging through garbage dumps? Or what about the soldier in the Middle East, working 12 hour days, who has to live constantly on his toes, waiting for the next bomb? Or the families of this soldier who live each day at home, waiting for the phone to ring...hoping that it's their soldier and not someone bearing bad news? Or what about that family who has a loved one in the hospital who is in grave condition-who sits in the waiting room days on end, tensing up anytime the doctor comes to the waiting room? What do you think these people stress about?

What if we took our focus off ourselves for once and took some time to help these people. To reach out. To go beyond ourselves. What if the sentences I heard were "I'm stressed that I can't help more orphans."? No - I don't think we should stress about it -- I believe God has called to live a life free of stress....to not give in to anxiety. But, I think the things we stress about show where we place our priorities. I think it's time for a shift. I'm tired of hearing people stress about the stupid things in life-there are things that we do have to get through and may cause stress, but really....is that why we're here?

Are we here for ourselves? Did God put you on this Earth to worry about how much stuff you have to do this week?

Take a breather.

Be still and Know.

God's got it all under control; leave it in His hands.

Just serve Him.

(and by the way -- I'm talking to myself here too; I have just as much learning to do!)

When Life Brings the Rain, Wait for the Rainbow

The name Mark Futato probably doesn't mean much to you...and it didn't to me either, until last week. All I can say about him now is....Mark Futato = AMAZING! He is a professor from the Reformed Theological Seminary in Florida and came to Geneva to speak for the Vos lectures and chapel. For one of my classes, we were required to write a response paper for one of his lectures... Gotta say, I wasn't too happy about it at first, but after I heard him speak once...I was excited for the opportunity! He had such a good message - both times I heard him speak last week! His message was exactly what I needed to hear and has really challenged me to look at the book of Psalms in a new light-to see each Psalm as a picture of the human life...moving from sorrow to praise. As I mentioned...I had to write a paper for one of my classes... and, honestly, I just felt like it portrayed alot of what's been going on in my mind lately, so I wanted to share it with you all. :) So..... here is my paper; I'm sorry if I bore you. :)

~~~

Anne Bradstreet once said, “If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." How true this is! Sorrow and pain can make a person even more thankful for the blessings in their life, if they realize that glory is their destiny. Mark Futato also shows this concept in his lecture, “The Psalms and Your Destiny” by comparing the movement in the book of Psalms to the trials and joys in the human life.

Mark Futato’s lecture on the Psalms and how they relate to the typical human life was very thought-provoking. He started his lecture by explaining that there was movement in not only the whole book of Psalms, but also in each Psalm. He compared this shift to the movement in the life of Jesus and each of our lives. Futato argued that in each Psalm, with the exception of Psalm 44 and Psalm 88, there is a progression from lamentation to praise. He showed that most Psalms start out with sorrow or disappointment. The writer then works through these emotions; by the end of the Psalm, he has shifted from sorrow to glory. Futato concluded his lecture by reminding his listeners that the book of Psalms is their book. They are free to use the laments to be honest with God and themselves about the reality of life. He mentioned that Jesus has gone further down in the depths than any human ever will. Because Jesus was honest with God in the midst of His sorrow, humans have the freedom to be honest and real as well. No matter how much life may stink at times, humans do not have to stay stuck in the sorrow. Jesus rose from the dead, moving from sorrow to glory. Just as the Psalms show, there is movement from lamentation to praise, foretelling the movement of the human life during a time of pain.

I believe Futato’s lecture was a reminder of our primary calling. God has called us to Himself above anything else. He wants our hearts and our hands. We may serve God and praise Him with our mouth, but He desires for our hearts to be changed. It is one thing to praise God when everything is going good, but can you still praise Him when life brings deep pain? In the midst of those rough times in life, do you still believe He will bring you out of the depths of sorrow to the heights of glory?

Personally, this lecture spoke volumes to me. I am currently going through the darkest moment in my life. After facing my father’s sudden hospitalization and death this past May, along with eight other deaths of friends and family since then, I have struggled with feeling God’s presence and His goodness. I have often wondered if I would ever come out of the depths of sorrow. After listening to this lecture, I was greatly encouraged. I was having a “down day” when I heard Futato speak; I did not feel like my pain was ever going to go away. However, by the end of the lecture, I was optimistic that God would bring me out of this situation and move me towards glory. While I did read the Psalms many times this summer to bring comfort, I never saw the movement Futato explained. Now, however, each time I read a Psalm, I am reminded of the shift that takes place. I see the change from sorrow and pain to glory and praise. It is a reminder to me that I can be honest with God about my emotions and trust Him to bring me through.

Just as Futato explained, the Psalms show a movement that is very similar to the path humans must take at times. Sorrow and pain may come into our life, but the Psalms point to our destiny. There will come a change so that you can praise God again; our destiny is glory. Life may not be full of sunshine and blue skies at the moment, but it is the rain that brings the rainbow. If I just trust God to move through my laments with His grace, I will advance from sorrow to glory. There is no need to stay stuck in my grief. Jesus fell into great depths of despair for me and still came out victorious; if He is truly the Lord of my life, how can I not do the same?

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength!

I LOVE fall! It is my favorite season! Today I decided to take a walk with the most amazing Artist ever -- my Heavenly Father. I've included a few pictures from today to give you a glimpse of the picturesque views I saw today. :) I spent an hour outside, just walking around the neighborhood, admiring the beautiful creation and praying. It was so good to just be in His presence!

The past three weeks have been relatively good. I'm starting to feel a little bit back to normal now, school work sure is picking up and getting busy, and I'm starting to run around like a crazy woman again, running from school to work to tutoring to babysitting to church. Some things will never change... This past Wednesday, my dad would have turned 57. It was an interesting day to say the least...and I am just amazed how my emotions can change within mintues! But - my dad got to spend his birthday in the presence of His Maker -- and I'm sure none of his earthly birthday celebrations ever compared to that!

Have you ever been overcome with thankfulness? Moments where you can just feel God's presence and Your face is just radiant with His joy? I've had several of those moments lately. I went 3 months without really feeling God's presence - every once for in awhile for a few mintues I'd "feel" Him, but I still felt so far away from God.

But now...finally, after 3 months, I have felt His presence once again! I have experienced His joy and His peace, His strength and His love. He cares so much for me - and for you. I seriously have not been able to make it through this semester without His help. It is by His strength that I am getting through. I've experienced His peace - I'm not sure if I've ever had more on my plate before...piling school, work, church, babysitting, friends going through hard times, and a lack of sleep - all on top of my grieving; it sure has given me a lot to handle! But when I get worked up...He gives me His peace so I can be calm. I've seen His love - He has placed so many people into my life who are willing to help me, people to love me and point me towards Him. He has given me the courage to ask for help when I need it, even if I am feeling needy. And He's given me joy by reminding me that He's the reason for all of these amazing things- for getting through the semester, for healing my heart, for providing men in my life who can help provide a little of what Dad provided for me, giving me women who listen to me ramble, and so much more. The Lord is my strength; I am lost without Him. I am so weak without Him, but He gives me the strength to push through each day. And because of Him - I can face tomorrow. Can you?

Sometimes I think we're like this leaf -- so broken and dying...and yet there's beauty inside. So much pain and struggle in this world - so much to cause sorrow. But, if you keep Your eyes on your Maker, there's beauty just waiting to be appear. There's been beauty in the midst of my pain and brokeness. There's healing - all because of an amazing Savior. Can you look past your pain to see His hand?

Let me leave you with the song "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. It is a reminder to me that sometimes you've gotta fall in order to learn how to walk....you have to face the clouds and rain in order to see the rainbow. Don't let your situations bring you down; be patient, the sun will soon be shining, for that's what faith can do.

~

Everybody falls sometimes

Gotta find the strength to rise

From the ashes and make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache

You think it’s more than you can take

But you are stronger, stronger than you know

Don’t you give up now

The sun will soon be shining

You gotta face the clouds

To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

Thank you, Lord, for Your hand of healing!