Beauty Will Rise

Whew.

The past few weeks have been rough. I think they may have even been worse than the week my dad died. Things have just been....not so good. I've found that I really miss my dad. I mean, really, really. I didn't think this kinda of ache and pain was possible. I just want to run up to him and wrap my arms around his neck and give him a HUGE hug. This isn't typical of our relationship -- I think that shows how much I miss him. I want him to be here to fix my car; I've been having some issues with it. I want him here to joke around with me. I want him here to protect me. I want him here to be the authority in the house. I want him here for Christmas and my mom's and his 30th wedding anniversary (which is tomorrow). I want him here so I know that I am loved. There's lots of other issues going on too....but those are better left unsaid. Just say lots of prayers for us if you think about it.

One of my friends got me Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD -- and I've been listening to it nonstop for the past 2 weeks. All these songs were written out of his experience with losing his youngest daughter in a car accident. Almost every song on that CD has ministered to me - for his thoughts are all my thoughts. And it's just so nice to see that I'm not the only one who's feeling this pain. So....just for some random lyrics from the new CD that pretty much sum up the thoughts I've been having lately....

"This is not how it should be, This is not how it could be, But this is how it is, and our God is in control." ("Our God is in Control")

"Who are You God? Cuase You are turning out to be so much different that I imagined, and where are You God? Cause I am finding life to be so much harder than I had planned. You know that I'm afraid to ask these queswtions, but You know they are there, and if You know my heart the way that I believe You do, You know that I believe in You, But still I have these questions." ("Questions")

"Whatever road this life takes you down, Jesuse will meet You there. He knows the way to where you are, He knows the way to the depths ofyour heart, He knows the way cuase He's already been where you're going, Jesus will meet you there." ("Jesus Will Meet You There")


"I don't even want to breathe right now, All I want to do is close my eyes, And I dont want to open them again, Til I'm standing on the other side, I dont even want to be right now, I dont want to think another thought, And I dont want to feel this pain I feel, but right now pain is all I've got....Trust You God, I will, Even when i don't understand, Even then I will say again, You are my God and I will trust You." ("I Will Trust You")

And lastly....probably the song that has hit me the hardest.... "Beauty Will Rise."

"It was the day the world went wrong, I screamed till my voice was gone, And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down, Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains, And sift through the ashes that are left behind, But buried deep beneath, All our broken dreams we have this hope -- Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise. And we will dance amoung the ruins, We will see it with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise, For we know joy is coming in the morning, in the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down, And if you can't believe, I will believe for you."

Ahhh... my thoughts. So much pain and hurt lately. So many tears. So much sadness. And in the midst of it, I found out how thankful I am for the people placed in my life. And for a God who promises to hold my life together, even if I feel like I can't. Because I can't -- He alone has control. And I'm thankful for people who love me enough to sit with me through my tears.

Beauty will rise. Joy is coming in the morning -- the night just seems so long. But morning is coming and then, we will see His beauty. Pray for patience. I want that morning to be here sooo soon. This reminds me of something I told my girls in my Bible Study last night.... The pearl - a beautiful piece of jewelry is made out of much pain, from sand rubbing up against it inside the oyster shell. One day, I hope I will be able to look back and say that I am a beautiful pearl that was only made beautiful by the pain in my life that caused me to grow.

Lord, come quickly.

The Last Gift - and 21!

God has truly blessed me.

Today, I was overcome with thankfulness for the men God has placed in my life. In the past 6 months, God has brought several men to me who have stepped up and taken the role of a father in my life. They each play a specific role that my dad played - one asks me about my car every time he sees me, another is like a grandfather who gives me a hug and kiss each week, another jokes around with me and gives me a hard time every Sunday, and one reminds me of my dad in so many ways-he is sarcastic with me, yet can also be serious, just like my dad. I am so thankful. God has provided - despite the hardship. I guess I was overcome with thankfulness, because I saw some of these men step up this week. Yesterday was my 21st birthday! Sunday evening, I was able to spend 2 hours with one of these fatherly figures. I needed that; I was feeling sad and missing my dad. Just being at this house brought comfort. Yesterday, on my birthday, one of these men called my cell phone and sang happy birthday to me. I had received many birthday wishes, but I was desiring to hear it from someone my dad's age....and it came. Just what I needed! And, lastly, today I checked my mailbox to find a card from another fatherly figure! The fact that he and his wife both wrote a personal note inside (and I also found a check!) made my day! I'm not sure I could have better men in my life to help play the role that my dad played.

Despite the wonderful men who have taken on extra responsibility for me, I still do miss my dad. Nobody's ever going to replace him - and I know that these men understand that. But I still wish that Dad could have been here on my birthday. My 21st. A big one. The one that is supposed to push you out of childhood and into adulthood - or something like that. It was a pretty good day, but I sure did wish my dad could have been here with me.

(Throwing up the 2-1 with my piano...my dad's last gift to me)

The day of my dad's heart attack, I bought a piano! Or rather..my dad bought a piano for me. That Sunday, the piano was delivered and I was enjoying it to pieces! My dad was so determined to get this piano the week before, that we were actually arguing over it. He was upset that I was e-mailing the seller rather than calling him on the phone about when to deliver it. Finally, I just gave the number to my dad and had his contact the seller. Dad did everything possible to get this piano as soon as he could. Maybe he knew he didn't have much time left?? Well, anyway, the piano was delivered the same day he had a heart attack and went to the hospital. I was supposed to pay for half of the piano, but Dad ended up paying for the whole thing. I consider it my last gift from him. And...since it came just 7 months before my 21st, yesterday, I considered my piano to be my 21st birthday gift from my dad. I love my piano - love sitting down to just play and let my mind not have to think for awhile. It's one of my favorite gifts....and it could be because it was my dad's last gift to me. It is so precious to me and I wish my dad was here to see how much I play it.

My birthday was bittersweet. Growing up. Missing my dad. Yet being so blessed by how God has provided. God is good all the time. He works in mysterious ways. I can never thank the father figures in my life enough; they have provided so much love and security and protection, even though they truly didn't have to. My dad picked some great men to develop friendships with-men who would go to unneccesary lengths just to love their friend's daughter because they knew she was her daddy's girl. I am forever in debt.

Stress

Stress. A word everyone hates. I got to thinking this week....and I realized that we, as humans, like to stress over alot of really dumb things. And it irked me, because there are so many more important things in this world that should be our priority.

This past week....either at school, my house, church, or anywhere else I was, I heard people say they were stressed over the following things:

• homework


• all the leaves that needed raked


• work/job


• all the meetings they had


• all the things they had to get done while they're at work


• cleaning the house/room


• their commute to work/school


• not exercising - but needing to


• health issues


• registering for classes/finishing school on time


• finances


• getting a Halloween costume (either for themself or their kids)


• how tired they are


• how they just couldn't find time to go to Walmart but needed to

And while this list is not the full list...it does give an idea of the things people are worried about these days. Take a look at the list -- ultimately, when it comes down to it -- who is the main "character" in each of those? The speaker. The speaker is the one who is receiving - it's all about "me" -- "I am exhausted", "I need to finsh school in 4 years!", "I have so much work to do to get a good grade", "I don't have enough money." Can we be any more "me"-centered?

Have you ever thought about the children in this world who sleep in the streets each night because they don't have a mom or dad who love them, or the scared little 12 year old girl who was sold into prostitution, or the teenage mother who is trying to keep her baby alive by digging through garbage dumps? Or what about the soldier in the Middle East, working 12 hour days, who has to live constantly on his toes, waiting for the next bomb? Or the families of this soldier who live each day at home, waiting for the phone to ring...hoping that it's their soldier and not someone bearing bad news? Or what about that family who has a loved one in the hospital who is in grave condition-who sits in the waiting room days on end, tensing up anytime the doctor comes to the waiting room? What do you think these people stress about?

What if we took our focus off ourselves for once and took some time to help these people. To reach out. To go beyond ourselves. What if the sentences I heard were "I'm stressed that I can't help more orphans."? No - I don't think we should stress about it -- I believe God has called to live a life free of stress....to not give in to anxiety. But, I think the things we stress about show where we place our priorities. I think it's time for a shift. I'm tired of hearing people stress about the stupid things in life-there are things that we do have to get through and may cause stress, but really....is that why we're here?

Are we here for ourselves? Did God put you on this Earth to worry about how much stuff you have to do this week?

Take a breather.

Be still and Know.

God's got it all under control; leave it in His hands.

Just serve Him.

(and by the way -- I'm talking to myself here too; I have just as much learning to do!)

When Life Brings the Rain, Wait for the Rainbow

The name Mark Futato probably doesn't mean much to you...and it didn't to me either, until last week. All I can say about him now is....Mark Futato = AMAZING! He is a professor from the Reformed Theological Seminary in Florida and came to Geneva to speak for the Vos lectures and chapel. For one of my classes, we were required to write a response paper for one of his lectures... Gotta say, I wasn't too happy about it at first, but after I heard him speak once...I was excited for the opportunity! He had such a good message - both times I heard him speak last week! His message was exactly what I needed to hear and has really challenged me to look at the book of Psalms in a new light-to see each Psalm as a picture of the human life...moving from sorrow to praise. As I mentioned...I had to write a paper for one of my classes... and, honestly, I just felt like it portrayed alot of what's been going on in my mind lately, so I wanted to share it with you all. :) So..... here is my paper; I'm sorry if I bore you. :)

~~~

Anne Bradstreet once said, “If we had no winter, the spring would not be so pleasant; if we did not sometimes taste of adversity, prosperity would not be so welcome." How true this is! Sorrow and pain can make a person even more thankful for the blessings in their life, if they realize that glory is their destiny. Mark Futato also shows this concept in his lecture, “The Psalms and Your Destiny” by comparing the movement in the book of Psalms to the trials and joys in the human life.

Mark Futato’s lecture on the Psalms and how they relate to the typical human life was very thought-provoking. He started his lecture by explaining that there was movement in not only the whole book of Psalms, but also in each Psalm. He compared this shift to the movement in the life of Jesus and each of our lives. Futato argued that in each Psalm, with the exception of Psalm 44 and Psalm 88, there is a progression from lamentation to praise. He showed that most Psalms start out with sorrow or disappointment. The writer then works through these emotions; by the end of the Psalm, he has shifted from sorrow to glory. Futato concluded his lecture by reminding his listeners that the book of Psalms is their book. They are free to use the laments to be honest with God and themselves about the reality of life. He mentioned that Jesus has gone further down in the depths than any human ever will. Because Jesus was honest with God in the midst of His sorrow, humans have the freedom to be honest and real as well. No matter how much life may stink at times, humans do not have to stay stuck in the sorrow. Jesus rose from the dead, moving from sorrow to glory. Just as the Psalms show, there is movement from lamentation to praise, foretelling the movement of the human life during a time of pain.

I believe Futato’s lecture was a reminder of our primary calling. God has called us to Himself above anything else. He wants our hearts and our hands. We may serve God and praise Him with our mouth, but He desires for our hearts to be changed. It is one thing to praise God when everything is going good, but can you still praise Him when life brings deep pain? In the midst of those rough times in life, do you still believe He will bring you out of the depths of sorrow to the heights of glory?

Personally, this lecture spoke volumes to me. I am currently going through the darkest moment in my life. After facing my father’s sudden hospitalization and death this past May, along with eight other deaths of friends and family since then, I have struggled with feeling God’s presence and His goodness. I have often wondered if I would ever come out of the depths of sorrow. After listening to this lecture, I was greatly encouraged. I was having a “down day” when I heard Futato speak; I did not feel like my pain was ever going to go away. However, by the end of the lecture, I was optimistic that God would bring me out of this situation and move me towards glory. While I did read the Psalms many times this summer to bring comfort, I never saw the movement Futato explained. Now, however, each time I read a Psalm, I am reminded of the shift that takes place. I see the change from sorrow and pain to glory and praise. It is a reminder to me that I can be honest with God about my emotions and trust Him to bring me through.

Just as Futato explained, the Psalms show a movement that is very similar to the path humans must take at times. Sorrow and pain may come into our life, but the Psalms point to our destiny. There will come a change so that you can praise God again; our destiny is glory. Life may not be full of sunshine and blue skies at the moment, but it is the rain that brings the rainbow. If I just trust God to move through my laments with His grace, I will advance from sorrow to glory. There is no need to stay stuck in my grief. Jesus fell into great depths of despair for me and still came out victorious; if He is truly the Lord of my life, how can I not do the same?

The Joy of the Lord is my Strength!

I LOVE fall! It is my favorite season! Today I decided to take a walk with the most amazing Artist ever -- my Heavenly Father. I've included a few pictures from today to give you a glimpse of the picturesque views I saw today. :) I spent an hour outside, just walking around the neighborhood, admiring the beautiful creation and praying. It was so good to just be in His presence!

The past three weeks have been relatively good. I'm starting to feel a little bit back to normal now, school work sure is picking up and getting busy, and I'm starting to run around like a crazy woman again, running from school to work to tutoring to babysitting to church. Some things will never change... This past Wednesday, my dad would have turned 57. It was an interesting day to say the least...and I am just amazed how my emotions can change within mintues! But - my dad got to spend his birthday in the presence of His Maker -- and I'm sure none of his earthly birthday celebrations ever compared to that!

Have you ever been overcome with thankfulness? Moments where you can just feel God's presence and Your face is just radiant with His joy? I've had several of those moments lately. I went 3 months without really feeling God's presence - every once for in awhile for a few mintues I'd "feel" Him, but I still felt so far away from God.

But now...finally, after 3 months, I have felt His presence once again! I have experienced His joy and His peace, His strength and His love. He cares so much for me - and for you. I seriously have not been able to make it through this semester without His help. It is by His strength that I am getting through. I've experienced His peace - I'm not sure if I've ever had more on my plate before...piling school, work, church, babysitting, friends going through hard times, and a lack of sleep - all on top of my grieving; it sure has given me a lot to handle! But when I get worked up...He gives me His peace so I can be calm. I've seen His love - He has placed so many people into my life who are willing to help me, people to love me and point me towards Him. He has given me the courage to ask for help when I need it, even if I am feeling needy. And He's given me joy by reminding me that He's the reason for all of these amazing things- for getting through the semester, for healing my heart, for providing men in my life who can help provide a little of what Dad provided for me, giving me women who listen to me ramble, and so much more. The Lord is my strength; I am lost without Him. I am so weak without Him, but He gives me the strength to push through each day. And because of Him - I can face tomorrow. Can you?

Sometimes I think we're like this leaf -- so broken and dying...and yet there's beauty inside. So much pain and struggle in this world - so much to cause sorrow. But, if you keep Your eyes on your Maker, there's beauty just waiting to be appear. There's been beauty in the midst of my pain and brokeness. There's healing - all because of an amazing Savior. Can you look past your pain to see His hand?

Let me leave you with the song "What Faith Can Do" by Kutless. It is a reminder to me that sometimes you've gotta fall in order to learn how to walk....you have to face the clouds and rain in order to see the rainbow. Don't let your situations bring you down; be patient, the sun will soon be shining, for that's what faith can do.

~

Everybody falls sometimes

Gotta find the strength to rise

From the ashes and make a new beginning

Anyone can feel the ache

You think it’s more than you can take

But you are stronger, stronger than you know

Don’t you give up now

The sun will soon be shining

You gotta face the clouds

To find the silver lining

I’ve seen dreams that move the mountains

Hope that doesn’t ever end

Even when the sky is falling

And I’ve seen miracles just happen

Silent prayers get answered

Broken hearts become brand new

That’s what faith can do

Thank you, Lord, for Your hand of healing!

Random Thoughts

I don't have anything real great to say today....just lots of little things that have been on my mind. So here they are...

• Our God is an amazing God! Have you checked out the sunsets lately? They're beautiful!
• I was reading the book of Esther in the Bible the other week. And one of the first verses that I came across was "Mordecai had a cousin named Hadassah, whom he had brought up because she had neither father nor mother. This girl, who was also known as Esther, was lovely in form and features, and Mordecai had taken her as his own daughter when her father and mother died." (Esther 2:7). It was just enlightening to read that Esther was an orphan, yet she let her cousin/uncle be a father figure in her life - and she also not only became Queen, but saved her people. What a testimony! I may not have lost both of my parents....but it reminded me that it's ok to let someone be a father figure to me....and also that the death of a parent at a young age does not have to suppress what you can do in life. I can still be successful and and happy - even if Dad's not on this Earth to see it.
• I have been SO blessed! I have amazing adult friends, whether that's my bosses, professors, or family/church friends, who have helped me through so much; wonderful friends at Geneva who have been patient with me this first month of school; and overall..just a wonderful life. I have been spared from so much pain and heartache - and I know it's only because of God.
• Frustration is still a pretty noticeable emotion in my life lately. I just seem to get frustrated with everything. I need prayers for this!
• I have had 3 really good days lately. Just days where things feel a little normal now. I can feel God's presence again, I want to serve Him and grow in Him, and am motivated to keep drawing closer to my Lord.
• I can feel the prayers of my growth group at New Life Baptist -- we are to pray for one thing for each member in our group for one month. My prayer request this week was to feel God's presence and experience His joy again. That was on Wednesday - Friday, Saturday, and today have been full of His joy! Praise the Lord!
• I still have my moments and I still miss my dad. He played such a large role in my life. I am so thankful we had such a healthy relationship. I was so blessed.
• Jeremy Camp, Natalie Grant, and Bebo Norman are here...in western PA, 5 miles from my house. I'm shocked! The concert tonight will bring some excitement into my life! :)
• I have been so blessed to have several godly men in my life step up and be a father figure to me. Just their presence in my life helps ease a little bit of the pain. Likewise, I have so many wise women who have shared their advice and gave me their listening ear. I am thankful!
• Did I mention we have a wonderful, indescrible God? He is so good to me - He's healing my broken heart - and He's my Father in heaven. What more do I need?

The Battle Belongs to the Lord

Weddings are beautiful. There is just something about watching a man and a woman commit their lives to each other for the rest of their time on this earth that gives me chills. Today, I had the honor of witnessing two church friends get married. It was beautiful, they are in love, and I was so excited for them.

And then...came the Father/Daughter dance song. It wasn't until the DJ called all the fathers and daughters out to the dance floor that I lost it. I sat in my seat and had tears streaming down my face. And as I sat there, I heard myself say, "It's not fair. It's not fair that they all have a dad who is alive." And I repeat that - it's not fair. In my mind, it's not fair that my dad and I only had 20 years together. It's not fair that he's not here to protect me and love me. It's not fair that the majority of my friends don't understand or are so uncomfortable with everything, causing strain in the relationship. It's not fair that most people at Geneva are stressing about getting their homework done and getting out of class on time...while I'm stressing about all that on top of grieving the death of my dad. It's not fair.

But....life is not fair. And I'm sure everyone thinks that from time to time-whether it's about how people treat you or dealing with the death of a loved one. BUT - we have a God who is there for us no matter what. He has promised to never leave us nor forsake us (Joshua 1:5). I had an amazing relationship with my dad for 20 years of my life....something alot of girls never experience. I knew he loved me (he never had to tell me) - and knew he would love me unconditionally; his life showed his love. I have wonderful professors, employers, and adult friends who are willing to listen to me ramble and pour my heart out when I need to. I have been far blessed beyond what I deserve and really have had a wonderful life - but some days I just miss my dad....and tonight is one of them.

It's a battle. Every day is a battle-a battle of knowing when it's ok to grieve and when to put up a wall. A battle of putting a smile on my face. A battle of balancing grieving with moving on with life. A battle of getting to class or work on time, becasue I'm just so emotionally exhausted. A battle of learning to be content with where God has placed me in my life. But you know what? The Lord has promised to fight our battles for us - 2 Chronicles 20:15 says "Do not be afraid of discouraged...For the battle is not yours, but God's." I don't have to worry - it's not my battle. I'm just one of the soldiers. We already know the outcome of the battle - God has promised victory if we just keep our eyes on Him. Are you facing any battles today? Are you willing to give them to the rightful owner?

It may seem that the battle will never end or you may be weary and tired....but do not fear, do not give up. "You will not have to fight this battle. take up your positions; stand firm and see the deliverence the Lord will give you....Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged. Go out to face them tomorrow, and the Lord will be with you." (2 Chron. 20:16-17)

Will you join me in giving our battles to the Lord and letting Him bring the victory?