You Are So Good To Me; You Heal My Broken Heart

Life's been interesting lately. Lots of changes, lots of pain, lots of joy. It's been so crazy.

2 weeks ago, I was in the Dominican Republic for a week. It was exactly what I needed. I went on a mission trip with an organization outside of Geneva....meaning I only knew one person on my team. That was exactly what I needed. I needed to be away from everyone who knew my pain and who knew my situation. I didn't have cell phone or internet. That was exactly what I needed. We were there to serve and to get closer to God....I helped out with Vacation Bible School with the children in Haitian villages. These kids only receive one a meal or one meal every two days. They live in shacks that are smaller than my bedroom and some run around naked. And yet...all these kids want are for you to hug them, hold them, and give them a piggy back ride. It was so humbling to look at them and see their need - a need to just be loved. That was exactly what I needed. So many of them would come up to you and ask for your shoes. They would show their shoes to you...and they literally had holes in the bottom of the soles where their heels hit. At the end of the week, I gave two pairs of my shoes and some other items to two boys. That was exactly what I needed. These kids' need for love reminded me of God's love and His presence. He showed up; He's still here and still in control of my life. He is good and He cares so deeply about me. That was exactly what I needed. It was such a good trip....not the typical mission trip I would have gone on, but it was just the thing I needed for this time in my life. God is good!

Today marks the 10 month anniversary of my dad's death. It's so weird to think it's been that long. In some ways, it seems like it was forever ago, and other times it seems like it was just last week. We're in the double digits...that's kinda scary, because it means we are getting close to the year anniversary. I still miss him so much; he was such a good dad to me, despite our disagreements. He provided so much love and security. But, I've found that I'm healing. The Dominican trip really helped me to lean on God, because He was truly the only One I had. I've coming around...feeling God's joy again and trusting Him.

Do you ever have those times when you are just so incredibly confused about life? That's where I'm at right now. I just don't know what God's Will is in so many areas of my life. I know He will guide and provide open and closed doors. How do you know what God's will is? How do you know when something is from Him? Life is confusing. And that leads to fear. I found that I'm fearful of some things these days. Why is it that when life starts to get confusing, you start to get anxious and fear? I think it's becasue we want control...we want to just know the future and not wait on God's timing. However, God's the One who knows all things, and He will not reveal His will to you a minute too early or a minute to late. It all comes down to giving your fears over to Him and trusting Him to provide at the right moment. Praise Him for his incredible and perfect timing!

"You are the One who controls all time, can I bring you all of my fears tonight?" - Jonny Diaz

Take your fears to Jesus; He's got it all under control.

Lots of Random

A couple random thoughts....

First. I MISS ALASKA. I want to go back! I was just watching a video advertising a cruise with Mark Schultz to Alaska..... one of my favorite singers and my favorite place! Couldn't get better. For me, Alaska was just a place of peace, serenity, and quiet. The wilderness took me out of the "normal" and gave me a place to just relax and restore my relationship with God. Ahh....I so wish I could go back and escape the craziness of my life.

Second. Mark Schultz is one of my favorite artists. Lately, I've had three songs stuck in my head. The first is "Live Like You're Loved" by Mark Schultz. It just reminds us to live like we are loved, no matter what we feel like that day, to chase your dreams and never give up. Because, ultimately, we are loved. Even if our parents abandon us, you're fighting with your significant other, or you're just having a really crappy day....we still have a God who loves us. One of the verses in this song really hit me hard the past few weeks. It's about an 18 year old girl who is packing up and moving away for the first time. The second verse says, "Some days are fair, but some days she barely gets by. But when she feels alone, she picks up the phone just to hear her daddy's voice. He says "I tell the whole world I'm proud of you girl"." Oh....for some reason, lately I've really missed knowing that my dad is proud of me. And I just need to know that my dad is proud of me...but there's no way for him to tell me that now. It's funny how you can take so much for granted.

Third. I really enjoy Matthew West's songs. His newest song, "Save a Place for Me" has been on the radio alot lately.....thus staying in my head. The lyrics really just explain my thoughts..... "Don't be mad if I cry, it just hurts so bad sometimes. Cause everyday it's sinking in and I have to say goodbye all over again....save a place for me, save a place for me, I'll be there soon.....I have asked the question why but I guess the answer's for another time, so instead I'll pray with every tear, and be thankful for the time I had you here." ...... ah, so readers, don't be mad if I cry. Sometimes I need to. The pain can just be so overwhelming at times. I miss my dad, the love he gave me, his protection, his jokes, and his security.

Fourthy. All this snow (2 feet) is ridiculous!! I hate being snowed in. :( If it didn't keep me from doing the things I normally would be doing, I'd be ok with it.... but it keeps changing my plans, making for an unhappy Aimee!

Lastly. I've noticed lately just how unworthy I am to even have a relationship with God...and yet how amazing His grace is. "I know I'm weak, I know I'm unworthy to call upon Your name. But because of Your grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed." How amazing is our God, who sees us standing in our sin and brokeness, and yet chooses to see us as pure and clean in His sight. Our God indescribable!

Goodbye 2009!

Two thousand and nine. What a year! It was filled with a lot of learning experiences, but also some fun. To be honest though, it was the worst year of my life so far---and I couldn't be more excited to say goodbye to 2009 and hello to 2010!

It all started last January when my grandma had to have emergency surgery and wasn't doing very well at all. After being in the hospital for 3 weeks, she finally came home. During this time, I was in my first car wreck...did a 360 across both lanes of traffic and hit a guardrail with my front bumper. So scary, but God was good. My dad happened to be off work, because he had broken his wrist, so he was just 15 minutes away and came to my rescue! I didn't get hurt at all - just shaken up, although my car was in rough shape, and the policeman didn't even publish my name in the newspaper when he wrote up the report! :)

Two weeks later, I conquered another fear - I got baptized! I knew I needed to be baptized, but was always afraid because I don't like the thought of having someone push me underwater. Well...February 15, I grabbed the bull by the horns and got baptized! 3 weeks after this, I conquered yet my 3rd fear for the year....I flew on a plane for the first time! I was terrified...but it wasn't bad at all! I flew to Alaska -- 8 hours on a plane. I LOVED Alaska! So beautiful, calm, and refreshing. I have to go back at least once in my lifetime!

And then 6 weeks after my adventure to Alaska, my parents bought me a piano! I was so excited--and just love it to pieces! It still needs a little work....needs tuned and such -- but I LOVE playing it. It just gives my brain some time to relax and not have to think too much.

That same day proved to be the start of a very long month--and the worst time in my life. God decided that my dad's time on Earth was complete and that it was time to take him home on May 27. Those four weeks plus the weeks around the funeral were just horrendous. Nothing can ever prepare you for losing a parent unexpectedly.

After Dad's death, the rest of the year was sorta just a blur. Working through my grief, struggling with the death of a few other friends, it was all just a mess. But - God is still good. I can't say that I've really enjoyed the past 7 months....yes, there were some times where I enjoyed myself, but in general....it was a struggle every day to get up, to feel loved, to feel God's presence, and to not be discouraged. I never knew that there could be this much pain in the world. In the midst of these trials, however, God has shown me His love. He has spoken to me - mostly through the Old Testament during this - and has reminded me that the battles in this world are not own own. They're His. He's working to bring good.

Talking about battles.....this fall, I learned how to shoot a gun and a bow! I was so excited and I loved both experiences! I can't say I'm too good, but it was so much fun!

Like I said, God has brought good through my year of trials. He has blessed me with so many wonderful friends! This summer, I went to Virginia to visit my best friend! Oh, Hannah is so good to me - and it was really nice to see her new house and just spend a few days catching up. Now that we're in college and her family has moved, we only see each other about 3-4 times a year. But --- she is definitely a friend of the heart; we've been through so much together. 16 years is a long time to be close friends! Despite the distance, she still remains one of my closest friends. I am so grateful to have an amazing friend!!

My friends at Geneva have also been wonderful. They were so patient with me-especially the past few weeks. They listened to me vent about so many issues for hours on end -- probably when they had stuff they wanted to talk about too. I've been blessed! They are good to me! And God has been so good to provide me with fatherly figures who love me. Words can't even begin to express my gratitude. There are so many of them and they are all just so wonderful! God has blessed me with godly men and women - from all areas of my life - who have cared for me, sat with me through my tears, and loved me. I am incredibly thankful for all of them.

Like I said -- 2009 was by far the hardest year in my life. I am so ready for a new year! Although I know trials can help you grow, I'm ready for some fun times! :) 2010 seems to be holding a trip to the Dominican Republic and Ukraine, student teacher (ahh!!), the start of my senior year of college, and hopefully - growing more like my Maker. I'm looking forward to seeing what all 2010 will bring!

Desperate for my Abba

Wow...I'm learning something through the past few months..... your emotions can change in an instant!!! And, honestly, I hate it! I want to be able to regulate my emotions, yet I don't feel like I am capable of doing that right now. I really don't like it.

You know what else? I'm finding that I have a pretty rotten attitude lately. I could find the positive; but sometimes it's hard and it takes too much work....and i don't want to. But this is a goal for this week....to find something positive each day.

And lately, I've really seen my mean sinful nature come up. At times I wish I swore just so that I could show the intensity of my emotions. And yet -- I know that a swear word really doesn't show the intensity of it....but I feel like it does right now. And I really wish that I could just scream any 4-letter word, just to get the emotion out. You might be wondering if this is really "Aimee" writing this...but it is! It's just been a pretty bad 3 weeks.

I'm desperate for alone time. I'm desperate for someone to understand. I'm desperate for a male authority figure-one that is in charge of me 24/7 who I can fight with when I don't want to do what he tells me to do. I'm desperate for love. I'm desperate for someone to not be afraid of my tears and just let me cry and stay with them until everything's cleared up. I'm desperate for acceptance. I'm desperate for a family. I'm desperate for my dad.

And....yet - I think these all point to the one thing I really am desperate for --- my Abba (my Daddy) Who is an authority figure, Who understands, Who accepts me, Who knows each of my tears and wipes them away gently, Who has a plan and will be with me until life starts to look up, Who is my family, Who loves me so much more wholely, completely, and perfectly than any human could ever love me. He wants to be/do all of this for me. And He wants to do it for you too.

Trust your Abba. Our God is in control. Be at peace, my soul.

Beauty Will Rise

Whew.

The past few weeks have been rough. I think they may have even been worse than the week my dad died. Things have just been....not so good. I've found that I really miss my dad. I mean, really, really. I didn't think this kinda of ache and pain was possible. I just want to run up to him and wrap my arms around his neck and give him a HUGE hug. This isn't typical of our relationship -- I think that shows how much I miss him. I want him to be here to fix my car; I've been having some issues with it. I want him here to joke around with me. I want him here to protect me. I want him here to be the authority in the house. I want him here for Christmas and my mom's and his 30th wedding anniversary (which is tomorrow). I want him here so I know that I am loved. There's lots of other issues going on too....but those are better left unsaid. Just say lots of prayers for us if you think about it.

One of my friends got me Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD -- and I've been listening to it nonstop for the past 2 weeks. All these songs were written out of his experience with losing his youngest daughter in a car accident. Almost every song on that CD has ministered to me - for his thoughts are all my thoughts. And it's just so nice to see that I'm not the only one who's feeling this pain. So....just for some random lyrics from the new CD that pretty much sum up the thoughts I've been having lately....

"This is not how it should be, This is not how it could be, But this is how it is, and our God is in control." ("Our God is in Control")

"Who are You God? Cuase You are turning out to be so much different that I imagined, and where are You God? Cause I am finding life to be so much harder than I had planned. You know that I'm afraid to ask these queswtions, but You know they are there, and if You know my heart the way that I believe You do, You know that I believe in You, But still I have these questions." ("Questions")

"Whatever road this life takes you down, Jesuse will meet You there. He knows the way to where you are, He knows the way to the depths ofyour heart, He knows the way cuase He's already been where you're going, Jesus will meet you there." ("Jesus Will Meet You There")


"I don't even want to breathe right now, All I want to do is close my eyes, And I dont want to open them again, Til I'm standing on the other side, I dont even want to be right now, I dont want to think another thought, And I dont want to feel this pain I feel, but right now pain is all I've got....Trust You God, I will, Even when i don't understand, Even then I will say again, You are my God and I will trust You." ("I Will Trust You")

And lastly....probably the song that has hit me the hardest.... "Beauty Will Rise."

"It was the day the world went wrong, I screamed till my voice was gone, And watched through the tears as everything came crashing down, Slowly panic turns to pain as we awake to what remains, And sift through the ashes that are left behind, But buried deep beneath, All our broken dreams we have this hope -- Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise. And we will dance amoung the ruins, We will see it with our own eyes. Out of these ashes, Beauty will rise, For we know joy is coming in the morning, in the morning, beauty will rise. So take another breath for now, and let the tears come washing down, And if you can't believe, I will believe for you."

Ahhh... my thoughts. So much pain and hurt lately. So many tears. So much sadness. And in the midst of it, I found out how thankful I am for the people placed in my life. And for a God who promises to hold my life together, even if I feel like I can't. Because I can't -- He alone has control. And I'm thankful for people who love me enough to sit with me through my tears.

Beauty will rise. Joy is coming in the morning -- the night just seems so long. But morning is coming and then, we will see His beauty. Pray for patience. I want that morning to be here sooo soon. This reminds me of something I told my girls in my Bible Study last night.... The pearl - a beautiful piece of jewelry is made out of much pain, from sand rubbing up against it inside the oyster shell. One day, I hope I will be able to look back and say that I am a beautiful pearl that was only made beautiful by the pain in my life that caused me to grow.

Lord, come quickly.

The Last Gift - and 21!

God has truly blessed me.

Today, I was overcome with thankfulness for the men God has placed in my life. In the past 6 months, God has brought several men to me who have stepped up and taken the role of a father in my life. They each play a specific role that my dad played - one asks me about my car every time he sees me, another is like a grandfather who gives me a hug and kiss each week, another jokes around with me and gives me a hard time every Sunday, and one reminds me of my dad in so many ways-he is sarcastic with me, yet can also be serious, just like my dad. I am so thankful. God has provided - despite the hardship. I guess I was overcome with thankfulness, because I saw some of these men step up this week. Yesterday was my 21st birthday! Sunday evening, I was able to spend 2 hours with one of these fatherly figures. I needed that; I was feeling sad and missing my dad. Just being at this house brought comfort. Yesterday, on my birthday, one of these men called my cell phone and sang happy birthday to me. I had received many birthday wishes, but I was desiring to hear it from someone my dad's age....and it came. Just what I needed! And, lastly, today I checked my mailbox to find a card from another fatherly figure! The fact that he and his wife both wrote a personal note inside (and I also found a check!) made my day! I'm not sure I could have better men in my life to help play the role that my dad played.

Despite the wonderful men who have taken on extra responsibility for me, I still do miss my dad. Nobody's ever going to replace him - and I know that these men understand that. But I still wish that Dad could have been here on my birthday. My 21st. A big one. The one that is supposed to push you out of childhood and into adulthood - or something like that. It was a pretty good day, but I sure did wish my dad could have been here with me.

(Throwing up the 2-1 with my piano...my dad's last gift to me)

The day of my dad's heart attack, I bought a piano! Or rather..my dad bought a piano for me. That Sunday, the piano was delivered and I was enjoying it to pieces! My dad was so determined to get this piano the week before, that we were actually arguing over it. He was upset that I was e-mailing the seller rather than calling him on the phone about when to deliver it. Finally, I just gave the number to my dad and had his contact the seller. Dad did everything possible to get this piano as soon as he could. Maybe he knew he didn't have much time left?? Well, anyway, the piano was delivered the same day he had a heart attack and went to the hospital. I was supposed to pay for half of the piano, but Dad ended up paying for the whole thing. I consider it my last gift from him. And...since it came just 7 months before my 21st, yesterday, I considered my piano to be my 21st birthday gift from my dad. I love my piano - love sitting down to just play and let my mind not have to think for awhile. It's one of my favorite gifts....and it could be because it was my dad's last gift to me. It is so precious to me and I wish my dad was here to see how much I play it.

My birthday was bittersweet. Growing up. Missing my dad. Yet being so blessed by how God has provided. God is good all the time. He works in mysterious ways. I can never thank the father figures in my life enough; they have provided so much love and security and protection, even though they truly didn't have to. My dad picked some great men to develop friendships with-men who would go to unneccesary lengths just to love their friend's daughter because they knew she was her daddy's girl. I am forever in debt.

Stress

Stress. A word everyone hates. I got to thinking this week....and I realized that we, as humans, like to stress over alot of really dumb things. And it irked me, because there are so many more important things in this world that should be our priority.

This past week....either at school, my house, church, or anywhere else I was, I heard people say they were stressed over the following things:

• homework


• all the leaves that needed raked


• work/job


• all the meetings they had


• all the things they had to get done while they're at work


• cleaning the house/room


• their commute to work/school


• not exercising - but needing to


• health issues


• registering for classes/finishing school on time


• finances


• getting a Halloween costume (either for themself or their kids)


• how tired they are


• how they just couldn't find time to go to Walmart but needed to

And while this list is not the full list...it does give an idea of the things people are worried about these days. Take a look at the list -- ultimately, when it comes down to it -- who is the main "character" in each of those? The speaker. The speaker is the one who is receiving - it's all about "me" -- "I am exhausted", "I need to finsh school in 4 years!", "I have so much work to do to get a good grade", "I don't have enough money." Can we be any more "me"-centered?

Have you ever thought about the children in this world who sleep in the streets each night because they don't have a mom or dad who love them, or the scared little 12 year old girl who was sold into prostitution, or the teenage mother who is trying to keep her baby alive by digging through garbage dumps? Or what about the soldier in the Middle East, working 12 hour days, who has to live constantly on his toes, waiting for the next bomb? Or the families of this soldier who live each day at home, waiting for the phone to ring...hoping that it's their soldier and not someone bearing bad news? Or what about that family who has a loved one in the hospital who is in grave condition-who sits in the waiting room days on end, tensing up anytime the doctor comes to the waiting room? What do you think these people stress about?

What if we took our focus off ourselves for once and took some time to help these people. To reach out. To go beyond ourselves. What if the sentences I heard were "I'm stressed that I can't help more orphans."? No - I don't think we should stress about it -- I believe God has called to live a life free of stress....to not give in to anxiety. But, I think the things we stress about show where we place our priorities. I think it's time for a shift. I'm tired of hearing people stress about the stupid things in life-there are things that we do have to get through and may cause stress, but really....is that why we're here?

Are we here for ourselves? Did God put you on this Earth to worry about how much stuff you have to do this week?

Take a breather.

Be still and Know.

God's got it all under control; leave it in His hands.

Just serve Him.

(and by the way -- I'm talking to myself here too; I have just as much learning to do!)