Living in the Moment

It's been a long hiatus, but I figured it was time for another post.

It's been one of those nights....a night of pondering, questioning, and praying. One thing I was reminded of tonight was that you can't turn back time. No matter how much you try, you can't keep living in the past. You have to move forward. So many try to stay stuck in the past...and I'm sure I have tried to do so. But if you want to grow, you have to be living in the present. Living in the moment.

That's what I'm learning. Learn to live in the moment. Sure, you need to plan ahead for the future, but there are so many little moments that will slip you by if you are too carefully planned or focused on the future. (Something I am guilty of way too often.) Learn to see the little things in life that can bring joy.

Today things that brought me joy were....

- the feeling you get after you exercise

- talking to an old friend after 3 months of silence

- praying with others in the midst of their heartache

- listening to someone talk about their life as a missionary

- remembering my time in Rome and Florence and the beautiful scenery

- feeling rain drops fall on my face

- a banana chocolate milkshake

- hearing about receiving a tax credit

- being reminded that today, Good Friday, Christ bore my sins so that God's wrath was satisfied

It's been an interesting few months...but it's time to start living in the moment again. Seeing the joy in the everyday miracles... Matthew West's song pretty much sums it up for me.... "I don't want to go through the motions, I don't want to go one more day, without Your all consuming passion inside of me." Will you join me in living in the moment?

Lastly, this weekend is Easter. I was talking with a friend of mine today how Jesus' death has never really felt "real" to me...never felt like it was that big of a deal. Yes, I know it was. It was a huge deal....unfortunately, because I've been exposed to the story since I was born, it has just become second-nature to me...and I've become immuned to the freshness of His grace and love. So..my prayer for this Easter season is that I will be able to see Christ's death in a new way; a real and fresh way that reminds me of His amazing, unconditional love for me as He took the lashes and bruises, the nails and jeerings for me...His rebellious, unloving, undeserving child.

"In Christ alone, who took on flesh,

Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save.

Til on the cross, as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ, I live.

There in the ground, His body lay,

Light of the world by darkness slain,

Then bursting forth in glorious Day,

Up from the grave He arose again.

And as He stands in victory,

Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me.

For I am His and He is mine,

Bought with the precious blood of Christ."

Praise the Lord -- I have a Savior who stands in victory, I am free as sin can not control me. No power of hell or scheme of man will ever be able to pluck me from His hand. In the power of Christ I stand. Do you?

Just call me Betty Crocker!

Today, I made my very first pie -- all by myself! And if I can say so, I thought it was excellent!

So here's my pie... made with fresh peaches!

(And not only did I do that, but I also grilled barbeque chicken for dinner for the first time! Pretty yummy also! Checking off 2 items on my domestic goals list!) :)

Closure

You'd think after a year and two months that telemarkerts would stop calling asking for Jeffrey Roe. Yet..the phone calls keep coming. I just had to explain to two telemarketers in the past 24 hours that "I'm sorry, but he has passed away" to which they quickly act embarressed and continually tell me how sorry they are. You'd think there'd be some sort of closure there after 14 months.

And, yet, I'm not sure if there's alot of closure for me - or if there ever will be. He was my dad...as one of my current favorite songs states "he is half of the reason I was born in that November rain". He's half of who I am. I will always carry him in my heart - through his words of wisdom while he was here, the way he raised me, his sense of humor and sweet tooth that he passed on to me, and the security and confidence that he helped boost in me. And because of that, I think it's ok to not have closure.

It seems that as I go through different seasons in life, different songs seem to speak to me and almost be the theme of my life for that time. So here's a few of the current ones....

Live Like You're Loved by Mark Schultz:

"Live like you're loved by the Lord up above, spread out your wings and never give up."

---

Fight Another Day by Addison Road:

Will you spend a lifetime running? Cause you can spend a lifetime running.

And do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?

Are you living every day like it's the last you got?

Even when your heart's been broken,

He'll be there with arms wide open.

----

He Would Tell You by Jonny Diaz:

He would tell you he loves you and he's so proud of the woman once his little girl,

You look just like your mother when she was your age and there's nothing that's more beautiful,

He would say that he's near and that he promise he hears when you speak to him late in the night

And it hurts him so bad to look down when you're sad and know you are the reason he cries

He can't quite promise you when, but he knows that he'll hold you again,

But until that time, keep your eyes on the sky,

and go change the world you're in.

---

You are God Alone by Phillips, Craig, and Dean:

And right now, in the good times and bad,

You are on throne, You are God alone.

---

Our God by Chris Tomlin:

Our God is greater, our God is stronger,

God you are higher than any other...

And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us?

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Be blessed my friend. God's got it all under control...including when (and if) closure - for every aspect of our life - will happen. It's time to change the world by shining His light. Go live like you're loved - for you truly are!

The Dark Before the Morning

X marks the spot.... on the calendar....

Today, May 27, 2010, marks the one year anniversary of my dad's death. It is so strange to say that - still! So hard to believe that it's been one year without my dad. How could I have possibly gone through a whole year without him - and still survived? How could I have not talked to him in one year, heard his voice in over a year, or seen him?

On the other hand, I am 21 years old! I'm technically an adult, I should be able to surive without a dad. Oh, it is absolutely crazy what grief can do to you! It is a funny thing... sometimes I wonder if I've really been through all that's happened this past year. Not just with my dad's death, but the things that have happened as a result of his death. But looking back - I wouldn't be where I am in life right now if not for this event that rocked the Roe family structure.

Do you know pain? Do you know sorrow? Do you know brokenness?

I believe we all do - or all will at one point in life. Whether it's the death of a loved one, a broken relationship, a terrifying illness, or facing the unknown, we will all face some kind of pain in our life. So what are you going to do with it? Will you run to drugs and alcohol to run from the pain? Or maybe you will throw yourself into a relationship in an attempt to fill the hole in your heart? Will you became angry and bitter towards God, family, or even yourself for having to go through it? Or will you run wholeheartedly to God, your Sustainer and Healer?

It's a choice. It's your choice. God isn't going to force you to cling to Him. It's up to us.

Will you focus on your pain? Or will you choose to believe that what you're going through is just preparing you for the joy that will soon come? Let me leave you with a song that has been so encouraging to me the past few months. It's called "Before the Morning" by Josh Wilson. I feel that the lyrics are so powerful and can speak to every heart.

~ - ~

Do you wonder why you have to

feel the things that hurt you?

If there's a God who loves you,

Where is He now?

Or maybe there are things you can't see

And all those things are happening,

To bring a better ending

Someday, somehow you'll see, you'll see.

Would you dare, would you dare to believe,

That you still have a reason to sing?

Cause the pain that you've been feling,

Can't compare to the joy that's coming.

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light,

Press on and just fight the good fight.

Cause the pain that you've been feeling,

It's just the dark before the morning.

~-~

Press on friends. Whatever pain you may be feeling...it's just the dark before the morning, the hurt before the healing. You still have a reason to sing - God is in control; He loves you outrageously; and He's calling you to Him no matter where you are in life. Are you answering His call?

(And if you're going through a rough time, let me know...I would love to pray for you. I now know that the intercessory prayers of others were what got me through some of my roughest moments. God provides blessings in the midst of pain!)

Hold my Hand, Father

As I type this, I am sitting by my window listening to the rain fall steadily outside. I never used to like rain - but I think I'm starting to have a change of heart. I enjoy listening to it if it's at night...if it's a spring or summer rain, where normally everything is pretty and sunny and then all of a sudden...you have a burst of rain. I think it shows kinda what life is. Life can be pretty, it can be sunny and happy; and in just a second, life can start pouring down the rain. It's inenvitable. What are you going to do about it? I'm finding that you have a choice. Crap is going to happen to all of us at one point of time or another - will you choose joy or will you choose bitterness when it comes to your attitude when dealing with it? It's all up to you.

Lately, I've been wishing God could be here in physical form with me. I know He's with me every single moment - but sometimes I wish He could just magically appear so I could see Him. I need Him to hold my hand, to guide me and show me His will for my life. I need to know that I'm not doing all this alone and that He's going to be the One to get me through...to pull me out of this dark tunnel and into the Light. I just need to know that I'm not alone.

"never will i leave you, never will i forsake you." - hebrews 13:5

When will I learn? God's not leaving me. He knows the crap in my life, sees my yucky moods, and still loves me the same. How awesome of a God do we serve?

Good ol' Bible school songs sure teach kids the truths of life. Last summer, I heard the little kids in my church sing this song at their closing program - and it brought tears to my eyes. Because I needed - and still need - to know that I will never be alone.

As we travel the trail of life,

We're never alone,

Never out of Your sight

We know that You'll see us through

Casue you always do

You hold our hand tight

As we travel the trail of life.

Grab your Savior's hand tonight -- He's holding it out to you. Will you grasp it or push it away?

You Are So Good To Me; You Heal My Broken Heart

Life's been interesting lately. Lots of changes, lots of pain, lots of joy. It's been so crazy.

2 weeks ago, I was in the Dominican Republic for a week. It was exactly what I needed. I went on a mission trip with an organization outside of Geneva....meaning I only knew one person on my team. That was exactly what I needed. I needed to be away from everyone who knew my pain and who knew my situation. I didn't have cell phone or internet. That was exactly what I needed. We were there to serve and to get closer to God....I helped out with Vacation Bible School with the children in Haitian villages. These kids only receive one a meal or one meal every two days. They live in shacks that are smaller than my bedroom and some run around naked. And yet...all these kids want are for you to hug them, hold them, and give them a piggy back ride. It was so humbling to look at them and see their need - a need to just be loved. That was exactly what I needed. So many of them would come up to you and ask for your shoes. They would show their shoes to you...and they literally had holes in the bottom of the soles where their heels hit. At the end of the week, I gave two pairs of my shoes and some other items to two boys. That was exactly what I needed. These kids' need for love reminded me of God's love and His presence. He showed up; He's still here and still in control of my life. He is good and He cares so deeply about me. That was exactly what I needed. It was such a good trip....not the typical mission trip I would have gone on, but it was just the thing I needed for this time in my life. God is good!

Today marks the 10 month anniversary of my dad's death. It's so weird to think it's been that long. In some ways, it seems like it was forever ago, and other times it seems like it was just last week. We're in the double digits...that's kinda scary, because it means we are getting close to the year anniversary. I still miss him so much; he was such a good dad to me, despite our disagreements. He provided so much love and security. But, I've found that I'm healing. The Dominican trip really helped me to lean on God, because He was truly the only One I had. I've coming around...feeling God's joy again and trusting Him.

Do you ever have those times when you are just so incredibly confused about life? That's where I'm at right now. I just don't know what God's Will is in so many areas of my life. I know He will guide and provide open and closed doors. How do you know what God's will is? How do you know when something is from Him? Life is confusing. And that leads to fear. I found that I'm fearful of some things these days. Why is it that when life starts to get confusing, you start to get anxious and fear? I think it's becasue we want control...we want to just know the future and not wait on God's timing. However, God's the One who knows all things, and He will not reveal His will to you a minute too early or a minute to late. It all comes down to giving your fears over to Him and trusting Him to provide at the right moment. Praise Him for his incredible and perfect timing!

"You are the One who controls all time, can I bring you all of my fears tonight?" - Jonny Diaz

Take your fears to Jesus; He's got it all under control.

Lots of Random

A couple random thoughts....

First. I MISS ALASKA. I want to go back! I was just watching a video advertising a cruise with Mark Schultz to Alaska..... one of my favorite singers and my favorite place! Couldn't get better. For me, Alaska was just a place of peace, serenity, and quiet. The wilderness took me out of the "normal" and gave me a place to just relax and restore my relationship with God. Ahh....I so wish I could go back and escape the craziness of my life.

Second. Mark Schultz is one of my favorite artists. Lately, I've had three songs stuck in my head. The first is "Live Like You're Loved" by Mark Schultz. It just reminds us to live like we are loved, no matter what we feel like that day, to chase your dreams and never give up. Because, ultimately, we are loved. Even if our parents abandon us, you're fighting with your significant other, or you're just having a really crappy day....we still have a God who loves us. One of the verses in this song really hit me hard the past few weeks. It's about an 18 year old girl who is packing up and moving away for the first time. The second verse says, "Some days are fair, but some days she barely gets by. But when she feels alone, she picks up the phone just to hear her daddy's voice. He says "I tell the whole world I'm proud of you girl"." Oh....for some reason, lately I've really missed knowing that my dad is proud of me. And I just need to know that my dad is proud of me...but there's no way for him to tell me that now. It's funny how you can take so much for granted.

Third. I really enjoy Matthew West's songs. His newest song, "Save a Place for Me" has been on the radio alot lately.....thus staying in my head. The lyrics really just explain my thoughts..... "Don't be mad if I cry, it just hurts so bad sometimes. Cause everyday it's sinking in and I have to say goodbye all over again....save a place for me, save a place for me, I'll be there soon.....I have asked the question why but I guess the answer's for another time, so instead I'll pray with every tear, and be thankful for the time I had you here." ...... ah, so readers, don't be mad if I cry. Sometimes I need to. The pain can just be so overwhelming at times. I miss my dad, the love he gave me, his protection, his jokes, and his security.

Fourthy. All this snow (2 feet) is ridiculous!! I hate being snowed in. :( If it didn't keep me from doing the things I normally would be doing, I'd be ok with it.... but it keeps changing my plans, making for an unhappy Aimee!

Lastly. I've noticed lately just how unworthy I am to even have a relationship with God...and yet how amazing His grace is. "I know I'm weak, I know I'm unworthy to call upon Your name. But because of Your grace, because of Your mercy, I stand here unashamed." How amazing is our God, who sees us standing in our sin and brokeness, and yet chooses to see us as pure and clean in His sight. Our God indescribable!