2012

Is it really 13 days into the 2012? Where has the time gone? I feel like it was just last week when I was sitting in front of the tv watching all the weird artists sing and dance in order to help the USA ring in the New Year.

life flies.

Especially when you're an adult. It's still so weird to say that...when did I grow up, have to leave my childhood ways behind (still working on that...), and work 40+ hours a week? When did alot of my friends start getting married and getting their "life" started, while I'm still searching for God's will for the next few months, let alone beginning a family? When did I get to the point where I'm realizing that it's now...or never?

I always thought that by the time I'd be an adult, I'd be content with who I am in God, I'd be more joyful, more in love with Him, more loving and caring, positive, not critical, emotionally stable, the best woman I could ever be. And yet....here I am .... an adult, yet still living in her childhood and teenage ways. It's a hard concept to swallow. I'm not who I want to be. I still have so many growing points in my life. But, maybe that's where God's grace comes in -- we will always be needing to grow in some area of our life. There will never be a time where we will be perfect until the day we stand in the glory of the Lord of Lords and King of Kings. Our Maker. Our Savior. Our Redeemer and Rescuer. Our Perfecter.

So. 2012 is the year I will change. It is the year that I will make more of an effort to start living the things I want to become. Ever since my dad's death in 2009, it has really been a struggle to grow in God. It's been a struggle to love Him passionately and trust Him unconditionally - to trust Him to bring good into my life after so much pain. I have clung to person after person in an attempt to heal the hurt and pain from losing the man in my life who I loved most and who was most like me. And I have run from every pain by being involved in every "good, Christian" activity/area of service possible in order to push down the hurt. But it didn't work. And I have had no joy for the past 2.5 years. God brought me to an ultimate low point at the end of this past year. Despite having everything going for me, I was at a low that I hadn't been since my dad's death. January 1, I realized what was missing. I was clinging to people and centering my life around people instead of around God, the One who can truly hold my life together. I know I can't go on living my life like that....and so I choose to change.

I'm running to Your arms; I'm running to Your arms.

The riches of Your love will always be enough.

Nothing compares to Your embrace.

Light of the World, forever reign.

In 2012, I want to...

center my life around the Creator of the Universe and the Holder of my heart

laugh more

love more - both God and people

trust God with every area of my life

be more positive

show the love of Christ to my students

spark a flame in my students' hearts for helping those in need

start making changes NOW....for it is only today that we are guaranteed.

Oh no, You never let go, through the calm and through the storm.

Oh no, You never let go, in every high and every low

Oh no, You never let go. Lord, You never let go of me.

Thank you, Lord, for never letting go of this wretch.

9 weeks.

9 weeks.

It's been 9 weeks since I started teaching. It's hard to believe that I have made it through. It has been 9 weeks full of blessing, challenges, laughter, tears, grumpy days, and moments of thankfulness. I have been so thankful for this position. I would not give it up for anything! There are plenty of days where I wonder if I will ever get through the day...but God brings me through it. I am truly going to miss my kiddos when the teacher returns.

9 weeks. Since my last day off.

9 weeks. Since I relaxed and did nothing for a whole day.

9 weeks. Since I sat still and read a book.

9 weeks. Since I could do whatever I wanted.

9 weeks. Since I took time to sit still before God.

9 weeks. Since I made phone calls to precious friends.

9 weeks. Of feeling the tension between being a Christian in a secular work environment.

9 weeks. Of pushing back my emotions for 8 hours during the day.

9 weeks. Of forgetting myself and serving 21 precious, yet needy children for 8 hours.

9 weeks. Of feeling the awkward transition between college and career.

9 weeks. Of writing lesson plan after lesson plan after lesson plan.

9 weeks. Of being mentally "on" for 8 hours. Try it sometime; it's exhausting.

I have loved teaching. I've loved the children. I love my class. I love my challenging students. I love the school and the teachers I work with.

But the one thing I don't love is that lack of time to spend with God. I've been feeling frustrated lately. When I was college, I had so much more free time. I thought I was busy, but compared to this, I had some spare time to relax. I was able to read my Bible more, pray, read spiritual growth books, and serve others more. Now, I hardly have time to do anything but my short 30 minute devotions each day. I want to be consumed with Christ, I want to be serving others, I want to be praising Him all day. But I physically can't due to my job demands. I'm learning that your spiritual walk is going to look different based upon what season of life you're in. And that's something I have to come to accept. I can be just as close to God but it may look different. I may not be able to read my Bible as much as I want or be serving others in the most tangible way -- but I can be praying throughout the day and serving my kiddos each day and try to share Christ's light with them.

I pray that I will never lose passion for Christ and His work -- I pray he will give it back to me in a greater way that I've ever experience - and I pray I will always follow His will.

I'm still in the limbo season of life where I don't have a clue what the future holds -- and that doesn't work too well for someone who likes to plan 5 years from now. :) I'm learning to trust God and to live in the moment -- not 5 years from now.

Here's a few pictures of my lovely pumpkin carving experience -- something I haven't done since I was a young child. I just had to include a picture of my "big brother" Steve on here... :)

Give Thanks!

When was the last time you said "Thank You" to God?

As I was exercising yesterday, the song "Thank You" by 33 Miles came on the tv. As I listened to the lyrics that I have heard plenty of times, I wondered to myself, "When was the last time I thanked God for the small things?" It's been awhile, honestly.

With my graduation from college in May, it has been quite the emotional summer. I have had interviews but no success. My summer has been full of worry and anxiety about my future. Do I teach in a public school? Private? Cyber School? Overseas? Do I pursue missions work? Do I wait a year and then go overseas? Should I find random work until the teaching market is better? I honestly do not know where God is calling me right now. It's been 3 months of intense searching but still have not a clue of what my future (as in where I will be even 3 weeks from today) looks like!

However - while I was on my mission trip to Ukraine this July, I realized that I have to put my trust in God and let go of my past because He has a beautiful and wonderful future for me. Part of this means that my calling is to live a completely surrendered and abandoned, poured out life for Him where He receives the glory for everything I do. But this also means that I want to develop a spirit of thankfulness in my life.

I've recently started a "Gratitude Journal" to record the small miracles that God works each day in my life. It sure has helped me to become more joyful and thankful for all that God does for me - even while I'm facing a very unknown future and anxious days that come with a transition.

Today, I'm thankful for...

- a good back to read

- the beautiful sunshine

- the cool breeze that gave relief from the heat

- a day to relax

- the opportunity to travel around the world and spread God's love

- amazing friends - from elementary school to those I just met last month

- a mother who is a wonderful cook

- a nice cup of coffee from time to time

- the peace that God will provide a job in His time

- God's faithfulness and provision

So - let me ask you again -- when was the last time you thanked God?

Thank You for everything,

Thank You for loving me,

It don't even matter what tomorrow brings,

Well I will sing,

Thank You for the sun and rain,

For what You give and take away,

For all Your goodness I will always say,

Thank You.

~33 Miles..."Thank You"~

Is Your Soul Happy?

When you wake up in the morning, what is the first thing you think of? Is it that you don't want to wake up, or of the pressing work that needs to be done for the day? Do you think of what you have to do that day or do you think of your Savior?

I stumbled upon a quote tonight that encouraged me of what needs to be my first priority in the morning.

The first great and primary business to which I ought to attend every day

is to have my soul happy in the Lord.

– George Mueller

Does this ring true in your life? Do you make sure your soul is happy in the Lord as soon as you wake up? Although I do do my devotions each morning first thing, I tend to be tired and sometimes stumble my way through them. But - am I making my soul happy in the Lord? It is the first great and primary thing that needs to happen - every day, every where, under every circumstance....make your soul happy in Jesus.

Recently I have been pouring my heart into listening to God, praying more, grasping for truth, and searching for His will. It has been an incredible rocky yet rewarding time. Satan is definitely trying to hold me back, but God continues to pull through each time. As I have rediscovered this love relationship with Him, I have seen that the rest of my day will be fine if I just make my soul happy in the Lord first. Things may happen that may go wrong, but it doesn't matter - because I know "the One I've trusted in can take care of what He's trusted me to do right until the end." (2 Timothy 1:12)

So - what about you -- are you making your soul happy in the Lord first thing in the morning? Is that your primary business for the day?

P.S. -- Can't believe I can finally say this...but I am a college graduate! :) It was bittersweet...but I know that God is going to continue to guide me throughout this crazy adventure I am on! Here's a picture with me and Dr. Jesky-Smith -- one of my professors who truly challenged her students, yet showed me personally how much she cared! A big thanks to all who have supported me through the years - and to Geneva for showing their care and concern, especially when my father passed away. It was a great 4 years - but the time has come. Goodbye Geneva, Hello Adult World!

Living in the Moment

It's been a long hiatus, but I figured it was time for another post.

It's been one of those nights....a night of pondering, questioning, and praying. One thing I was reminded of tonight was that you can't turn back time. No matter how much you try, you can't keep living in the past. You have to move forward. So many try to stay stuck in the past...and I'm sure I have tried to do so. But if you want to grow, you have to be living in the present. Living in the moment.

That's what I'm learning. Learn to live in the moment. Sure, you need to plan ahead for the future, but there are so many little moments that will slip you by if you are too carefully planned or focused on the future. (Something I am guilty of way too often.) Learn to see the little things in life that can bring joy.

Today things that brought me joy were....

- the feeling you get after you exercise

- talking to an old friend after 3 months of silence

- praying with others in the midst of their heartache

- listening to someone talk about their life as a missionary

- remembering my time in Rome and Florence and the beautiful scenery

- feeling rain drops fall on my face

- a banana chocolate milkshake

- hearing about receiving a tax credit

- being reminded that today, Good Friday, Christ bore my sins so that God's wrath was satisfied

It's been an interesting few months...but it's time to start living in the moment again. Seeing the joy in the everyday miracles... Matthew West's song pretty much sums it up for me.... "I don't want to go through the motions, I don't want to go one more day, without Your all consuming passion inside of me." Will you join me in living in the moment?

Lastly, this weekend is Easter. I was talking with a friend of mine today how Jesus' death has never really felt "real" to me...never felt like it was that big of a deal. Yes, I know it was. It was a huge deal....unfortunately, because I've been exposed to the story since I was born, it has just become second-nature to me...and I've become immuned to the freshness of His grace and love. So..my prayer for this Easter season is that I will be able to see Christ's death in a new way; a real and fresh way that reminds me of His amazing, unconditional love for me as He took the lashes and bruises, the nails and jeerings for me...His rebellious, unloving, undeserving child.

"In Christ alone, who took on flesh,

Fullness of God in helpless babe

This gift of love and righteousness

Scorned by the ones He came to save.

Til on the cross, as Jesus died

The wrath of God was satisfied

For every sin on Him was laid

Here in the death of Christ, I live.

There in the ground, His body lay,

Light of the world by darkness slain,

Then bursting forth in glorious Day,

Up from the grave He arose again.

And as He stands in victory,

Sin's curse has lost it's grip on me.

For I am His and He is mine,

Bought with the precious blood of Christ."

Praise the Lord -- I have a Savior who stands in victory, I am free as sin can not control me. No power of hell or scheme of man will ever be able to pluck me from His hand. In the power of Christ I stand. Do you?

Just call me Betty Crocker!

Today, I made my very first pie -- all by myself! And if I can say so, I thought it was excellent!

So here's my pie... made with fresh peaches!

(And not only did I do that, but I also grilled barbeque chicken for dinner for the first time! Pretty yummy also! Checking off 2 items on my domestic goals list!) :)

Closure

You'd think after a year and two months that telemarkerts would stop calling asking for Jeffrey Roe. Yet..the phone calls keep coming. I just had to explain to two telemarketers in the past 24 hours that "I'm sorry, but he has passed away" to which they quickly act embarressed and continually tell me how sorry they are. You'd think there'd be some sort of closure there after 14 months.

And, yet, I'm not sure if there's alot of closure for me - or if there ever will be. He was my dad...as one of my current favorite songs states "he is half of the reason I was born in that November rain". He's half of who I am. I will always carry him in my heart - through his words of wisdom while he was here, the way he raised me, his sense of humor and sweet tooth that he passed on to me, and the security and confidence that he helped boost in me. And because of that, I think it's ok to not have closure.

It seems that as I go through different seasons in life, different songs seem to speak to me and almost be the theme of my life for that time. So here's a few of the current ones....

Live Like You're Loved by Mark Schultz:

"Live like you're loved by the Lord up above, spread out your wings and never give up."

---

Fight Another Day by Addison Road:

Will you spend a lifetime running? Cause you can spend a lifetime running.

And do you feel the fire when the flame gets hot?

Are you living every day like it's the last you got?

Even when your heart's been broken,

He'll be there with arms wide open.

----

He Would Tell You by Jonny Diaz:

He would tell you he loves you and he's so proud of the woman once his little girl,

You look just like your mother when she was your age and there's nothing that's more beautiful,

He would say that he's near and that he promise he hears when you speak to him late in the night

And it hurts him so bad to look down when you're sad and know you are the reason he cries

He can't quite promise you when, but he knows that he'll hold you again,

But until that time, keep your eyes on the sky,

and go change the world you're in.

---

You are God Alone by Phillips, Craig, and Dean:

And right now, in the good times and bad,

You are on throne, You are God alone.

---

Our God by Chris Tomlin:

Our God is greater, our God is stronger,

God you are higher than any other...

And if our God is for us, then who can ever stop us?

And if our God is with us, then what can stand against?

Be blessed my friend. God's got it all under control...including when (and if) closure - for every aspect of our life - will happen. It's time to change the world by shining His light. Go live like you're loved - for you truly are!